Thanks for this link Blakesteele.
I am mix of vascillator and pleaser as in needs work. My H is strong avoider but also mix of vascillator and pleaser.
I think I was a stronger vascillator before dday but have been making a conscious effort to not detach as we worked thru this. My H was remorseful from the start and cheating had ended so I forced myself to stay engaged, as prior to this I would have detached more. I guess I believed our M survival depended on him owning it big time (wouldn't let him avoid much).
Looking back my H became a stronger avoider as he neared his decision to cheat.
This is very helpful to ponder...
My H had a pretty good childhood but it was a large family and he was the problem child when young (acted out, stole a little, vandalized, lied). He was and is a risk taker. But he straightened himself out as he got older by high school. I met him after college and found him to be very honorable upstanding and decent. Never thought he would ever cheat and neither did he.
I think he received a lot of negative responses and feedback when he was young though as I've read a heartbreaking he wrote as a small boy.