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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Take it personal, detaching, vacillator and avoider
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting read Blake. I am a hodgepodge of everything but peacekeeper. My strongest suit was avoider. My fww is a peacekeeper (i filled in the blanks based on my own perception of how she would have answered with no one looking).

Not sure exactly what that means as I kind of already had an idea. I will say that my fww seems to have gravitated toward controllers. It seems to compliment her willingness to please. Not something I really gave much thought to before but it makes sense now.

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting quiz. I have, like, 3 problem areas! I tell you what, a dysfunctional childhood is the gift that just keeps on giving!!

(High scores in Pleasing, Vascillating, and somewhat high in Avoiding!)

Thankfully, I do not appear to be a victim.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this link Blakesteele.

I am mix of vascillator and pleaser as in needs work. My H is strong avoider but also mix of vascillator and pleaser.

I think I was a stronger vascillator before dday but have been making a conscious effort to not detach as we worked thru this. My H was remorseful from the start and cheating had ended so I forced myself to stay engaged, as prior to this I would have detached more. I guess I believed our M survival depended on him owning it big time (wouldn't let him avoid much).

Looking back my H became a stronger avoider as he neared his decision to cheat.

This is very helpful to ponder...

My H had a pretty good childhood but it was a large family and he was the problem child when young (acted out, stole a little, vandalized, lied). He was and is a risk taker. But he straightened himself out as he got older by high school. I met him after college and found him to be very honorable upstanding and decent. Never thought he would ever cheat and neither did he.

I think he received a lot of negative responses and feedback when he was young though as I've read a heartbreaking he wrote as a small boy.

[This message edited by whattheh at 3:48 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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