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User Topic: I feel so lost.
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have been rough this week with WH. He is currently 3000 miles away for work (has been for 3 weeks already with about 4 more). He told me last week that he doesn't see us having a future together because the R process has been too emotionally exhausting.

In that time, I have finally started taking medication to help me with my anxiety as I was at a breaking point. Within two days of beginning that course, I feel like a completely different person. But I also see how incredibly negative and unreceptive I have been in the (almost) 15 months of R. I have been very expressive about this with WH and own my issues and how my negative attitude has been counter-productive to the R process.

He says he is skeptical to the long term outcome of my reduced anxiety. He says he knows that the damage is his to own, but he can't continue the way that things have been.

Over the past few days, I have sent him some "suggestive" pictures. Nothing gross, but as a kind if way to stay connected with him so far away. In the past, my insecurities and fear of rejection prevented me from doing such things. The response I got: "OK. Boobs." I feel so deflated. I don't know what else I can do. Are we just too far gone? I haven't been angry with him, or my kids, my demeanor has changed completely since I am now out from under the ever looming anxiety. But his response this afternoon is making me feel hopeless again and I don't want to go back there.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just so I can catch up...

Your husband had two affairs. What is he doing to fix himself? Can we talk about that before we talk about what you are doing?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((freelancer)))

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It doesn't sound like your WH is giving you the support you need in your healing.

Have you read up on the 180? It's in the Healing Library under BS FAQ. Maybe it's time for you to start focusing on yourself.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38092 | Registered: Sep 2007
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially after DD, he found us a MC. We went to her for a while, but I pulled the plug on that/her when she told me "Well, he's not cheating now, you should just let it go." That was in October if last year. Since then, he has traveled a lot for work, and then we recently moved. While he is gone, I plan to find us a new IC and schedule an appointment for when he comes back.

Other than NC with the two OW , OW#1 has broken NC 4 times, to which he has not responded (that I am aware of). And I have transparency with regard to his email accounts and his phone when he is around.

He has done *some* reading, but there is a pile of books on his side of the bed, that I have bought, and we discussed him reading, that he has yet to read.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should also add that on DD, I discovered an email chain where OW#1 has sent WH, a picture if her boobs which he had referred to as her "stunners". I guess knowing that today is just insult to injury. :(


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone?


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning freelancer,

I looked at your profile and didn't see much to go on. Why didi you send the pictures? You do not want to stoop low as your WH level. If you haven't done it in the past I wouldn't do it now. You need some self affirmation. Tell yourself what a great person you are. You are sexy.I use a lacy red bra - sometimes under baggy sweatshirts. I know it's there and it gives me a boost. If you haven't done the 180, start. I started what was easiest for me and then went to the harder ones.

I hate to say this but I think your WH is a rug-sweeper. He knows it-blah,blah,blah. Once a rugsweeper aknowledges their wrongdoing, they want it to be all gone. It doesn'twork that way. My MC did even a better one than that. She said he had punished himself andit would be best not to bring it up. Didn't not work.

Your WH should be in IC. I also suggest it for you. Mine worked wonders-she moved and now am looking for a new one.

You have a right to a negative attitude. I wonder if lack of trust is part of that.

I believe if you both want the M to work-it can. It is hard work and takes time. A lot of time.

Things are not hopeless and don't let him drag you down. Hope is all that keeps us hanging on sometimes.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dallas, I sent the pictures to try to share some "closeness" for lack of a better word with him, since he is so far away for so long. Obviously it was foolish and unappreciated.

I am currently in IC. WH is not. His position with the government makes IC a tricky thing, I've been told. He is only allowed to see specific counselors, and apparently there is a several month wait.

I am at such a loss. I am doing all that I can in the way of self care, but the hope I had started to gain is being crushed by him. :(


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband admitted to me today that he has been thinking about OW#1 since her attempted contact 12 days ago.

And I just passed out in front of my children. I am not sure I can take anymore.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs sweetie.

Gently - what is your WH doing to fix things?

If he is not accepting blame nor doing everything you ask for terms of R - please do not engage.

If he is not owning his responsibility why should you?

It's a hard, super hard road to reconciliation. That's if you have a cooperative WH. If you do not - 180 him. Hard.

Do things to make YOU happy. He will see how things do not look greener on the other side.
If he doesn't, it just aids in your ability to do these things solo.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to post and let you know I read and my heart hurts because I know the pain you are feeling.

As if the affair weren't not bad enough, saying unkind or unhelpful things is just the cherry on the cake.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I don't even know you but I do know that you don't deserve this. ((Hugs))


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 6:41 PM, August 30th (Friday)]


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
ToTrustAgain
♀ Member
Member # 15167
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You passed out in front of your children?

Is there anyone you can call to help you? Passing out is no small matter, and you might want to seek medical attention.

In regards to your H...honestly hun, it sounds like he's pretty checked out right now. I think you need to focus on you, your kids, and your security - as in, see a lawyer and make sure you're protected. You and your H can always continue to work on things, but at least this way you'll be armed with knowledge.

But before all that, please do talk to someone about your passing out. Serious stuff there.


"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2007
Topic Posts: 13

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