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User Topic: Do people get stuck on the loss of fidelity in your M?
♀ New Member
Member # 40192
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is the absolute hardest thing for me to get past. We were each others "onlys" and he is still my only, but he has now had sex/oral with over 20 other women. I don't know if I can ever get over that, how do you get over that? When will I ever be able to stop comparing myself to them, what they did together, exactly how they did it together? I can never get back the past 7 years which I feel are just tainted and nothing but lies. I don't even consider myself married anymore because that whole day was just a lie.

Me: BS 30
Him: WS 32, serial cheater
No Children
Together 11.5years, M 1year
33 OW in 7yrs. 33 is not a typo
D-Day#1 - June 21, 2013
D-Day#2 - August 1, 2013

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't have a PA, so there was no loss of fidelity.
My H didn't have a PA either, but there was a loss of fidelity...he wanted to D me to M her.

the loss of innocence in our M

Maybe we can have a new M, and start all over?

I got PTSD because of the A, and it has brought back addictive behaviors...I'm stuck in the pain and adrenalyn of SI land.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, having just survived our 17th antiversary, the fidelity thing has hit me hard, him, not so much.

An opportunity presented itself to him and suddenly the vows, promises meant nothing? I cant get over how their fogged up brains conveniently forget these things. He explained to me soon after dday that he is grey about these matters where as I am black or white! WTF...

Im not religious either but when it comes to my vows, there was no doubt there at all. The thought of weddings and promises make me feel queasy now.

I get you when you say the specialness is gone, we are a now a statistic arent we?

I think it is a grieving thing, its not silly and I'm sure we all feel it to some degree.

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As well as I have been doing emotionally I just don't know what to make of these feelings?

For me, digging down and figuring out why I put such an importance on fidelity was a start. To figure out what I got out of my line of thinking in this area, my reasons, how it came about, etc. Really analyzing and getting to the core of it. I mean many do not place such a value on fidelity do they, it is not like it is universal, right, there are swingers, there are those who sow their wild oats before settling down, and so on, so why was it so important to ME?

Heck, what would it matter if I had sex with someone else?

that is another good question to really delve into and get to the core answer of as well. For me, I have come to the conclusion that even though our M is broken, my side is not and I choose to keep it solid or not, for myself and myself alone. I also choose to never do to another what I would not want done to myself, just part of my core.

Certainly marriage is so much more that a commitment of fidelity

True, but fidelity really is the crux IMO. There are other areas of fidelity, it is not just this one area, and as far as sexual fidelity goes, there are many levels there as well, we each have to weigh it out and see where we stand and what we can live with, what we can "accept".

How do other people cope with this permanent loss in your M

I am of the mind set (at this time, cannot guarantee it will not change ) that sometimes we have to loose things in order to get things, we cannot always have it all. Everything comes at a price, etc. I just have to choose to accept the price or not, is what I have now worth the cost?

Then of course grace and redemption get thrown in the mix as well, so it is not all cut and dried is it?


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We may no longer have the purity we once did, but like the difference between a pure metal and an alloy, we now have a strength we never had before.
Now THAT is quote worthy!

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7099 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 25
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