She told him things that I know he wanted to hear. Porn star things, like how much she loved that taste of his c*m.
It all just makes me feel inadequate. I also feel like I can't do those things with him anymore. I don't want to go down on him, because that is what he liked about her. I don't want to sext with him because I read their messages to each other.
We were being intimate again, until dday #2 hit. Now I don't see how I'll ever be able to do it again.
Is it possible that she wasn't really that good? Or is it more likely that she was? He has always been a generally selfish lover, only occasionally concerned with my finish, and never taking the initiative to help me finish when he did first, which was 95% of the time, but it seems that he finished her multiple times. Percentage-wise, she got it more than I did :(
I think I would stop comparing yourself to someone with no morals. My husband will not discuss the sex part.....he has never compare us, ever. But he has said to me that my mind has made the sex out to be something fantastic and it wasn't. He said he could only have wished it was that good. I think he started to realize there was no real LOVE between them and sex for him is all about showing his love. It became just an act he has also said that sex between us doesn't even comparing to what he had because our love making is a connection of our hearts.
[This message edited by TxsT at 3:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Good news and bad news, so I'll start with the bad news first. It's probably true that sex with her was amazing to him. It's affair sex with a new partner, the adrenaline rush must be incredible, your having an affair so all inhibitions are out the window, your partner is SOOOOO into you - it must be very amazing.
The good news? That's all AT THE TIME. I couldn't keep up with my wife's and her AP's sex sessions. I'm sure they were awesome - I know enough details to say that honestly. I bet they were about as amazing as when my wife and I met 20 years ago and probably for about the first five years of our marriage. Then it tapered off, jobs, kids, bills, sports, commuting, life all conspired to tone down the amazing to pretty good, sometimes amazing. After a while, it was more routine then amazing, as the conditions to have amazing sex were pretty hard to set up with kids in the house, so they became fewer and fewer. So your H and his AP might have had great sex because it was all new and fresh, but it wasn't competing with anything else in their life. It was their only focus. All their energy was going into sex - not into the marriage. It's hard to compete with that. But it's all an illusion that would burst if it had to face reality.
If your husband is remorseful, in time that amazing sex will bring him amazing pain. He will see how his selfishness has traumatized you. He will realize that you are his priority, and sex with you would be amazing if he put a tenth of the effort into it that he went through with his AP. If not, divorce his ass.
He tells her repeatedly that sex with her is "amazing".
They always do. Think about it....they can't very well say "that was the most god awful experience I've ever had" and hope to keep getting their egos stroked...ya know?
"Some of us don't see people how they are but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
takes some time to get over....
Of course he would say this he was all hyped on the chemicals released when you engage in activities you know are wrong. Thieves get a rush much like this every time they steal something.
That being said. The chemical high while it can leave an impression of the sex being good, does not mean it was good sex. I think everyone can agree that good sex is experiencing a oneness with the person you are with. This can only happen when you are in love and you when you want to experience each other both physically and spiritually. This takes more than the act of actual sex.
Lets take the example of the high a person gets from stealing, their good feelings only last a few seconds then comes the paranoia, legal actions, guilt, lose of relationships, etc. Same with an A after the act comes all these same things. You can not take a small part of the whole experience and say the it was a good one, because every aspect was not good. Same with A sex. There is no way it will ever come close to what is experienced between 2 committed-loving partners.
[This message edited by Hearthache again at 3:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
I know exactly what my WH said to the OWs yet, he hasn't told me. Will he? Probably not. Will that be the final wedge that ruins our R? Probably.
But I know him and know his intimate remarks and reactions.
I'm sure he wonders why my intimate reactions are so neutral now. Although if he were really smarter, he would know.
Funny, (hello! Not!) Is that WH says he never "talked" during sex until me.... Well yay.
So glad that I brought him something that he could share with his OW's. What a great teacher I am.
He has said that the sex wasn't that great.
Oh goody. Yet, he kept going back. God forbid he hurt her feelings.
Pay no attention to my post tonight. My birthday is Monday and he keeps asking what I want. All I can think is he wants to do something special yet, in doing that it makes me remember what an asshat he is. On any other year it would just be another birthday.
Yes, any other year he would try to doing something special but he is trying soooo hard it just makes me mad. Dumb I'm sure. And I will get over this, just as you will!!
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
but it seems that he finished her multiple times.
Or so he thinks.
Have you ever seen "When Harry Met Sally"?
I didn't even think of that cause I've never done it. I don't see the point in faking it...
Cheaters lie. Not just to us but to each other. Do not take anything you read as the gospel truth.
So, being honest, it's very possible they did have 'amazing' sex. Admittedly, affair sex DOES seem to be much more passionate and intense for cheaters because of the secrecy involved and the taboo nature of the whole thing. Couple that with the fact that these ignorant women look at these married guys like they're some kind of demi-gods or something, and it blows their egos into the stratosphere.
I also tend to think that women who have looser boundaries and morals will probably also be looser about what they'll let a guy do with them.
You know Nicnac, if your husband is as sexually selfish as you claim he is (and I believe you because he's already proved his selfish nature just by having an affair), then I wouldn't even make an effort to touch the guy at this point.
He seriously needs to be humbled and brought down a few pegs. Only a selfish horse's ass could get to this age and STILL think that sex is only about HIS pleasure. You expect that from 19 year old boys, not supposedly grown men.
I wouldn't be surprised if his ex-OW was claiming to have a g-spot orgasm (which means he wouldn't have had to do any other work than he normally does). Apparently, lots of men (thanks to porn) now seem to think that all a woman needs to climax is to be pummeled by their golden members and this magic g-spot orgasm just happens by osmosis. Morons.
I'd be willing to bet she claimed to be having those since he comes up horribly short in the reciprocity department when it comes to MUTUAL pleasure.
It was probably just regular sex, and really, she sounds like she is acting like a prostitute, using words that guys love to hear that builds up them as the best lover of all time. You know he's a selfish lover, and that probably has not changed. For whatever reason, she is stroking his ego and yup, probably lying about how many times she orgasmed. It's so easy for us women to lie about how many times we've had an orgasm because physiologically, often there is no proof of it other than the signs of sexual excitement that occur whether or not we actually orgasm.
My thoughts are this: amazing sex is not worth leaving your family over, ever. As a guy ages, the sex drive might fade, his equipment is likely to NOT work on its own, and guys who are selfish lovers will remain selfish lovers.
When my husband told me about his affair (even though we hadn't had sex in 25 years--you might want to read my post for more deets), and all the details because I asked, I thought to myself "Glad you *really liked it* because that's the last BJ you'll ever have while married to me."
I am so sorry you are going through this. I read and reread all the posts above me, and there is some great advice & input there.
Part of marriage vows should include willing to ask for your deepest darkest kinks of your spouse not an AP.
Sorry it happened to you OP. noone can compete with a fantasy with no bills kids or everyday stress.