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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do we stop dwelling on the past?
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, how I can relate! fWH is doing all the right things for the most part, and in a lot of ways our marriage is better than it was before the A. So I am optimistic for the future, yet I seem to be trapped in the 3-4 good days, then 1 really bad trigger day where I dwell on negative thoughts and let them spiral out of control. And things I normally do to relieve stress - like running - make it worse as I have that much more time alone with my thoughts.

All I can say is that being 11 weeks from D-Day, I think the first several weeks were all about survival from hour to hour. And that need to survive was my total focus. Now that we are in a much better place, I have the "luxury" of letting my mind wander into negative thoughts. So it may get worse before it gets better.

I'm trying to use meditate to better focus myself, and I am attempting to choose to replace negative thoughts of the past with positive thoughts of all that is going well. But I am mostly failing so far. So sorry that I can't add more useful suggestions, but hopefully it helps to know you are not at all alone in waiting for time to put the past further and further out of our minds.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ccw....thank you for this post. The responses made me feel more "normal". I am only 1 week past NC and I am still so angry that he did this to us, if I am not angry I just feel sad. That we have lost the "specialness" that was in our marriage.

I am doing well taking care of me, I am strong in myself, but I can not get past the suspicious feelings even though he is doing everything right. But we don't talk about it. It is like he just wants to move on and go back to like it was prior to the A. He doesn't get that nothing will ever be the same. Even with the MC he didn't want to talk about the A.

Sigh...I didn't mean to ramble. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 370 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD was early March for me.

Up until recently, I was dwelling 24/7. Now I am starting to come up for air. I think about AP FAR, FAR less. Hopefully I am moving into a new phase of the R process.

What helps me is that when I am dwelling on the fact that I am not where I want to be R-wise, I think back to DD and acknowledge that things are a lot better and we're getting better not worse. I still don't know if we are going to be able to pull this off but we are trying.

So don't give up! One day at a time is how you have to measure it right now.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I finally got so fed up of feeling sick about the whole thing. I got to the point where I knew I had to make a choice. I either went the way I was going, which was no where but DOWn and down fast or I chose to try and give my H the chance to prove what he was saying. I was the one who went and got myself some medical and medicinal help. I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be more positive for ME. That was a wonderful decision because once my swings levelled out a bit and once I had my doctor involved as well as my MC/IC I started seeing things in a much healthier light.

Being positive is a decision. You have to want to think more positively. I was tired of feeling like the bitchy old maid who did nothing but feel sorry for herself and complain. I wanted to actually think more positively.....and it worked. Do I think about the past? Yes, sometimes but I now think more on the future. With the Anti D meds I was able to feel strong enough to start thought blocking. And I also stopped letting my triggers control me. As soon as one started I would call my H and we would talk about it. My mind was making everything 10 times worse then it was. Once I slowly started taking control back over which direction i was going to think everything shifted.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Teardrop29
♀ New Member
Member # 40297
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one that feels my mind is going out of control.

Thanks for posting this CCW... The comments from everyone is helpful. However, I'm discouraged as I feel my days are getting worse... Its NOT really, but I feel numb. I feel like i want my marriage so badly for my children that I find myself "lecturing" my husband and desperately hoping that I could get through to him.

Was at a wedding last night and I did warn him that I cannot reciprocate his physical affection as #1 I'm celebrating a marriage while mine is failing, quite painful for me and #2 I'm just not there yet. However he kept trying to kiss, wrap his arm around me in front of the people we know despite my many attempts telling him to stop. I didn't want to pretend as if our marriage is honky dory! Was I wrong? I kept pushing him away. But I just couldn't bring myself to the present. At one point I asked him if WH understood commitment involved in marriage his response was, "there's a blond chic staring at me tonight, but I'm not hooking up with her because I'm with my wife." What do I make of this? Apparently it's proof he's a changed man. Also, when I confronted him, he said he was drunk and was being stupid when he said that.

I'm so scared that despite him saying he would never do it again and very sorry, he says things like this? Am I too harsh on him expecting him to be on point constantly? I don't know if its me pushing him away or he just isn't really remorseful? I'm so pathetic giving someone another chance when it feels he doesn't understand the impact of what he's done.

I'm sorry, I feel like I took over your post, but here I am evidently word vomiting even in writing because I just feel so hurt still, but I don't even know where to start. Are my WH and I really in R or am I just disillusioned? What do I do????


BS: me (29)
WH: 37
Together 4 yrs, Married 3 years
2 children: DS 2yrs/ DD 3mos

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've made this comment before on a different post but I want to take this opportunity to restate it because I think it fits here. It echoes what TxsT says about making a choice to do the things that are going to help you heal. Staying in dwelling mode is definitely not one of them. You can have the mindset of wallowing in sadness, rehashing every detail and remain in a terrible state of mind potentially forever. Some aspects of support (web forum, IRL friends/family who know, etc.) make you a bit addicted to doing this.

At a certain point, you have to decide what you are going to do to help yourself move on and move towards healing rather than remain stuck indefinitely in sad, depressed, angry, bitter, resentful mode. Regardless of staying or going in the relationship. It just takes TIME to get there. That is all.

I think people struggle with this because they think the WS is getting a pass if they do this or they worry about what people who know about the A will think if they seem to be moving forward. I've learned through this experience - and I am trying to practice it (because it is hard to be positive every day!) - that you are doing yourself a huge disservice if you are stuck in dwelling mode. And you really aren't giving anyone a pass or allowing them to think you will just get over it if it happens again. It's likely that a part of me will always feel like my H was such an asshole to do some of the stuff he did. There are a lot of people who are NOW coming up to me with information. At this point, does it matter? I'm trying my best to process it but not "go there" with it, if that makes sense. I need to heal and knowing that a friend of a friend saw H and OW two years ago and thought something was up but did not say anything at the time is NOT helping me do that.

It's great to see that some people say their M is better than it was before the A. WH reports that he met two people in a support group who have similar issues to his/ours. One person's marriage broke up, one person's stayed together. The person who worked things out says he and his spouse are closer than ever and the person whose marriage broke up said he really regrets the divorce and what it has done to his relationship with his kids.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him if WH understood commitment involved in marriage his response was, "there's a blond chic staring at me tonight, but I'm not hooking up with her because I'm with my wife." What do I make of this?

Um why did he have to tell you that? I think that is very insensitive to say to you while you are triggering at a wedding. Like you should be honored that he is focusing on you


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Teardrop29
♀ New Member
Member # 40297
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyblindsided, effective communication is never my WH's strong suit. He was trying to make a point... I'm more than certain he made it up. Lol. Hence, hes clearly still in the fog.

Womaninflux, I totally agree with you. The reality is that it really boils down to our choice. It's soooooooo hard to be positive though... I hope the ones whose wounds are still very fresh get to that positive place one day. I just want to get all the negative feelings off my mind and chest... I hope to someday forgive not for WH, but for my soul's peace. I'm trying 180 now, day #1 yesterday.

CCW, you wondered about 180 before... Just a suggestion (I'm still trying to find my way with it too) I started reading motivational quotes and the ones that resonate, I post on my fridge, my bathroom mirror, etc. it's helping me sort of focus on just me and keeping to 180. I'm so sick of being so pathetic I've decided to try a different approach. Just a little "feel good" boost helps with the positive quotes.

WH saw the quotes too and asked if I was trying to throw stones his way again and I simply said, those quotes will help me come out of my darkness stronger than before. He was quiet with my response... The day went without bickering because my quote helped me stay focused. It felt good actually... How long it will last I don't know... Will update you though...


BS: me (29)
WH: 37
Together 4 yrs, Married 3 years
2 children: DS 2yrs/ DD 3mos

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time is a big fixer and walking. I also found going to a 'safe place' and just talking out our feelings sort of designating time to think about it.

Almost a year for me and I still think about it minimum every 3 hours but it's easier to let go. The worst part is when I get hit out of nowhere 'realising' what he did.

Although my situation is not as bad as yours. So take it with a grain of salt


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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