I am realizing my WH's behaviors are causing me to trigger.
You said it, Crazy. What are our options with WS's like these??
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
I've seen him get very "in your face" but that's usually after varying periods of deafening silence.
Before the A, he was having a problem with something I did 2 years ago (but he didn't find out about it until the end of last year), and he held on to that shit for almost 6 months before we "talked" about it. And by talked, I mean he exploded. And that's only because I finally realized something was wrong and kept prompting him for answers. After that, I got the ILYBINILWY speech. I feel like if he had just come to me right away that whole fiasco might have been avoided.
I think I'm going to need to read up on conflict avoidence...
Unless a conflict avoider can also have anger management issues??
Yes they get mad when their evading conflict doesn't work.
My WH is both conflict avoident and passive aggressive with a sprinkle of NPD. It's so wonderful to be with someone so mixed up.
Last night my H shared childhood memories. While his family never talked about their feelings, he said his mother always made sure she told him and his brother she loved them. You know, a simple ILY. He doesn't have any negative feelings about her with regard to her treatment of him. I should be happy, but I'm not. Then why doesn't he have a relationship with her beyond a long distance phone call a few times a year, she mostly talking about herself? How come she is uncapable of showing love toward our children beyond telling husband over the phone, "Tell the children I L them." She isn't even capable of telling them she L them herself, or having a conversation with them.
From his few memories, and how MIL behaves today, I believe he was very much on his own, their interest in him very superficial. When he was in sports, they watched "a few games." A few games? WTH? One of his parents should have been at every game, and only missed a few game. His brother was 2 years older and had his own friends, and his step siblings were older and all on their own. At 10, when his parents got divorced, he was on his own. How long he was on his own before that while their M disintegrated, who knows? Right away, his mother M the other man and built her life around him. He grew up in an adult centered world, where children were on the outside, expected to behave. I feel sad for that little boy. He is not that way as a father to our children. Our daughters talk about feelings. He just has a hard time talking about his own feelings.
I told him last night my earlies memories of people being gone is when I was in teh 2nd grade, and my father was in Vietnam. The war was reported, with names of those fallen, and scenes from various skirmishes, on the television. He wrote me a few letters which I read over and over, and cherished, knowing he was alive at the time he wrote them. To phone him was very expensive, and because of the time zone, I have only one vague memory of a phone call to him during his year in vietnam. I missed him so much.
My teenage brother went to college when we lived overseas, and I wrote him letters, but got none back. I loved him so much. Tears want to come as I write this.
Them my dad went to Korea for a year. I was older by then, and he was an angry, physically abusive father by then, but I missed him. Last, he went to Iran for my senior year. I really wanted a father.
Because of my experience growing up, and seeing my own mother's loneliness and sadness, I didn't want to marry anyone in the armed services. I respected and appreciated what they did for our country, but I knew I could not endure the separation. I went on one date with a Cadet from the Air Force Academy, but I sabotaged it on purpose by doing something stupid, so he would never call again. I know, I should have been honest and told him I didn't want to see him because I didn't want to FIL with him, but I thought it would hurt his feelings, so if I could make him not like me he'd think it was his idea.
When I M my H, he had career ideas that would allow us to be together. The year before the A, he got a job 5 hours from home and he came home about on a monthly basis. I was so hurt he moved away and left me to raise and homeschool our children, and take care of maintaining a house all by myself. Then he ended it with the A, asking me for a D.
So here I am, just waiting for him to leave, like every man in my life did, and he also did. He should just get it over with, so I can make a new life. Maybe I should initiate the break up, instead of acting like that stupid highschool girl who acted silly so the Cadet would break up with me. The only problem is that I still L him, under all my hurt, frustration, disgust and fear.
And Prickly - I identify with this SO much too.
So by his inaction there has to be a responsible party and it isn't him. He is the victim of the controlling birch wife.
This thread and everyone's responses to it has been so timely and such an eye opener for me.
He is trying not to shut down, and I am trying to not interrupt, but it doesn't seem half as fulfilling as when I speak with a female friend. We (me and my female mentors/friends) can cover amazing amounts of ground in a short period of time without hurt feelings.
I agree that they have control by not making decisions.
This is something which drives me crazy.
He said the strangest thing to me last night. He said "how can two people still love each other if they are fighting and saying mean things to each other for days/weeks at a time" I said "the same way a husband and wife can still love each other even though he just betrayed her with another woman".
Are you and your brother close now as adults? How did your husband react when you shared all of those painful memories with him?
When I told my H those feelings he did apologize (again) for what he did.
Last night I apologized for being so...I couldn't put a word on it....lately. He filled in, "triggery," then he said it wasn't my fault. Then we had some great HB!
We're getting along better, I'm over the triggers (for now) and am hopeful again.
When his family gets upset with one another, they just stop talking for a few days and then boom...everything is fine. Like if you don't talk about the problem, it will go away. It doesn't go away. It sits just below the surface and builds up.
Yes. His multiple A's were his way of expressing his anger, he admits they were the ultimate f*ck you to me, goes along nicely with his passive-aggressive, sociopathic tendancies, personality disorder, and ingrained FOO issues.
We are talking D now...or wait, *I* am talking, he is doing the 'blank stare' or the clenched face, or the classic word salad (talking in circles to avoid any resolution for me on the topic) his refusal to interact, or make a decision is his ‘control’, he will get to preserve his 'victim' status to the crazy controlling wife. Poor dear. It should help with recruiting and grooming his next cheerleader/fan. I guess I'm helpful like that.
I sound bitter, it is too much work to be angry and bitter, and I'm looking forward to the freedom from carrying this load of sh*t. Whether that comes in the form of D or S or even R, I'm moving forward.
word salad (talking in circles to avoid any resolution for me on the topic)
I didn't recognize the word salad/non answer for the first 22 years of our M. I'd ask a Q, he'd respond, and hours, or weeks later I would realize he hadn't answered the question or committed to anything, he just said enough to let himself off the hook!
Me: "Honey, do you think we could ____?"
Him: "That's an idea."
Child: "Daddy could we_____?"
Daddy: "That sounds like a possiblity."
Then it never gets brought up H again.
Of course it is an idea. Of course it is a possiblity. But are you interested, but are you going to contribute to turn it into a reality?
After reading about PA behavior, it only takes me a minute or two to recognize the non answer, or detour. Once I realize the conversation has been derailed or detoured by his non-answer or sideways answer, I address his non answer as not being what I was talking about, and re-ask the question. He sometimes gets angry because he feels his responses are being controlled, and to some degree they are: they have to be relevant to the question or topic, and not disguised to make them look like an answer when they aren't really related to the question or topic.
Another thing: not wanting to take the blame for a negative decision.
Yesterday H and I were talking about a dismantled playset we have since we moved. (Our youngest are 11, 13, 16, and they still would play on it...really.)
He said he wanted to sell the slides and use the wood for other things. Our youngest was listening and I could see she was really sad about it not being rebuilt. We have no yard at our new place. It is on a desert mountainside. There is no where to play, no shade, only goat heads, tumbleweeds, and dirt. The house is really nice inside, and that is where our children and I spend most of our time, or we go to activities at other places.
I told DD in front of H, "I don't agree. This is Daddy's idea." There were a few minutes of silence as we moved the pieces of the slide together for selling. Then Daddy began talking about rebuilding the playset with the swings and platform putting an animal enclosure under the platform where her and her sister could play with their guinea pigs. He still wants to sell the slides, which is fine, since our girls are getting too big for them. The swings, if they get rebuilt, are great even for adults, being about 12 feet tall.
That would be really nice....if it ever got done. My thought, after being M to him for 23 years, is that he was just trying to save face in front of our youngest, and it will not be done...unless he reads this post and he wants to prove me wrong, so he can be right. But if he reads that last statement, he will not want to do it because he will want to do the opposite of what I think he will.
sigh. It's like the chinese water torture. A name should be invented for it: Them: "Let's play with people's heads using words, so we don't have to really say what we mean, and always look good in everyone's eyes...that is until they figure out that they can't really believe what they hear coming from my mouth is the truth..."
I think my H desperately wants love. When things are going well, and are on his terms, he seems very happy. But eventually, he begins being slightly aloof from me. He doesn't do this with the children, and I'm glad for that. There is a part of him that doesn't want me to know him deeply, or connect with me. He instinctively keeps me at arm's length emotionally, and intellectually. This could go on forever. It is I who always brings things to a head, and starts the wars.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 11:06 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]