I know it happened, of course. I live with the pain everyday.
Sometimes it is a physical feeling, almost like a punch to the gut.
"oh my God, this is real, he really did this, he is really capable of hurting me like this".
I get a bit dizzy and lightheaded.
Maybe it is because it is so hard reconcile who we thought we were married to vs. the reality of who they are.
I am not sure. This does seem to have the feeling of being surreal, a nightmare.
I think I still fight it, don't want to accept this as my reality.
Maybe those further into recovery will have insight.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It is hard to wrap your mind around. It really can be maddening.
Sometimes I feel no matter how much MC and IC we do, I will never understand.
Fully working on R...... which is the hardest thing I have ever been through!
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
Or just a few days ago, remembered helping with her Baby shower for the OC.
And just recently found out that all the things I thought I had learned thru TT, I didn't know at all. When brought back up to get matching answers, nothing matched up. He either didn't remember saying it, or didn't know what I was talking about or must have made it up to "shut me up". So after a year I realized I still actually knew nothing more than I did on the day he told me and that was that he screwed her enough to get her pregnant - that lasted for an undetermined extended length of time, that ended in the summer of 2009. That it started with fooling around for an undetermined amount of time - that at some point he knew the kid was his and that about 60 people knew before I did.
In the last few days I have finally made it clear to him that our marriage is not going to be able to really begin healing until I know the whole story. For the first time, he has committed to write down a timeline with everything he can remember. I wrote him out a timeline of our life & things that were going on with us & around us, as well as with her & her family & businesses, moves, births, deaths, vacations etc.
I also committed and am leaving for a week to fly back to california where I'm from to see old friends & family. He knows I will be seeing my ex - like I have the last 2 times, only now he is really worried, even though I have given him no reason to be.
I have let him know that I will deal with this as I need to and am now focusing on taking care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. That if he can't or won't fill in the details and timeline of the A, and commit to sticking in this through all my emotions (the ones he has caused), I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself. He has had an about face in the last 2 or 3 days, I think as a result of my new attitude.
But still continue to feel these shock waves at least 5 - 10 times a week, sometimes more.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!