Topic: When did you know it was time to file for Divorce?
♀ New Member
Member # 40285
| Posted: 9:21 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm currently separated. I moved out, got my own apartment and am feeling great. I dont see any future with him after all the horrible things he has done. I put up with it for so long that I finally reached my breaking point. He crushed my heart and our family. He would have to do some major life changes for me to even consider taking him back and I'm not sure what those would be....
I already went back after affair 1, and he was so sorry that he showed me his remorse by starting another affair 2 months after I moved back home.
I thought we would get better after I went back but theingd only got worse. My life with him became unmanageable.
So, my question is...when did you know it was time to file? How did you know? If you waited, why did you wait?
I think coming to closure more quickly might be better on me, my daughter and him but I also don't want to rush it for no reason.
Looking forward to hearing from others, thanks in advance!!
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 24518
| Posted: 9:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013|
Long story short, I filed after he left me for OW. He actually went to work one day and never came home.
The longer story is I went through several d-days, false R, finding the secret cell phone and offering him a divorce that day. All told it went on for 11 months from the day I found out he was cheating until the day he walked out on the kids and me. I wasn't really ready emotionally, but I knew I had to file for divorce to protect myself and the kids legally and financially. Not to mention, I was not going to be married to a man who could walk out on his kids without a good bye or explanation.
Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Posts: 11627 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Member # 14866
| Posted: 9:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013|
I filed after nearly 2 years. Things kept getting worse and I was starting to lose the ability to be a parent on top of trying to be a husband. I hurt too much inside and her actions never spoke of R and even her words never did either. I think is she wasn't so chicken that she'd had file a year or so earlier. But she wanted me to be the bad guy. At that point I didn't care.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum
Posts: 47403 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 38928
| Posted: 10:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013|
I gave him every possible opportunity to show me he wanted to fight for the family, and he never did. He ran away in March when I caught him at OW#3's house. I did everything I possibly could to save the marriage so I could be at peace knowing I tried my best and did not throw in the towel too early, but when he told me he could not assure me it would not happen again I knew it was over.
You will know in your brain, even if your heart tries to tell you otherwise...
BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994 - never stopped
3 kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 10/18/13!!!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare
Posts: 609 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of hell's ashes!
Member # 23328
| Posted: 10:13 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013|
D-Day#1 was early January, 2009. I spent the next 3 months begging her to R.
D-Day#2 was late March, 2009. She had used those 3 months to begin a new PA with a new OM. She declined, in front of my IC, to commit to our marriage.
I filed. My health was in danger due to the trauma, and the continued exposure to STD's. Yes, we continued having sex. I may be gifted, but no one said I had common sense.
Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.
Posts: 4689 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Crazyville ( A little East of St. Louis)
Member # 38865
| Posted: 3:40 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I lied to myself and rug swept AP#1 through 6 because he was so very sorry and loved me so very much
AP#7 when he admitted that 'this time' it was sex, I couldn't lie to myself any more and was out of the house and the state within 2 weeks.
We were not married but still going through a legal financial separation. I started pushing for it first month I was out but was hoping to keep it amicable.
In hindsight I should have just filed in court immediately because 9 months later he is only now starting to play ball and I feel like it slowed my healing.
Me: Awesome - 35
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 36857
| Posted: 5:04 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
Filed 3 months after DDay. Smartest thing I ever did.
File when you're ready to divorce him.
Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"
Posts: 573 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Georgia, U.S.A.
Member # 39055
| Posted: 6:05 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I just filed yesterday. 6 mo past DD. I reached my breaking point. He says he wants R but has not come clean with truth about 3 OW that I know about.
It is time to file when divorce becomes a necessary step in your healing process. I was afraid of divorce but now I'm educated and prepared.
I think for me it was the things he has done since DD. Lies, manipulation, still texting OW, things he done to our children and using them to get at me. The latest straw so to speak was the financial blackmail. Unless MC starts to take a positive turn he withdrew his paycheck. This man makes 3x more money than I do and won't even buy one back to school item because he has to get his own place to live.
People would say when your done, your done and you will know. I think for me, I have reached a point of realization that there is no going back. I'm beyond wanting to reconcile with this man. It is too late. I feel as good as I can about it. My kids and I will live on less but teaching kids the value of money is not a bad thing. I am no longer subject to his control and abuse. I realize once I file it will be for him war. I am prepared for battle.
[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 6:09 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.
Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 34678
| Posted: 7:13 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
WS had moved out for supposed other reasons. One night, he came by the house, was yelling and screaming at me.
So I called the police and they said until there was a legal
separation on file, he was allowed to come and go as he pleased and they could only do something if he physically hit me.
Right after that I found out he was having the affair. I gave him 24 hours to tell me everything, get an appt with Mc, He didn't do it, so I filed.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 32258
| Posted: 7:48 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I filed once I understood that STBXW was not capable or willing to even try to resolve her issues and would rather runaway from them which meant I would not be safe in the M. Rugsweeping was not an option for me. Unfortunately it took me almost 2 years to get to that point. Looking back I wish I had filed immediately, I would have been free right now if I had instead of still being in this 1 year waiting period.
Filing is one of those things that for some of us, we never want to do even though we KNOW it needs to be done. Going to see the lawyer and actually filing is the hard part. The L guides you through everything else.
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014
Posts: 1124 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 28555
| Posted: 8:09 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I gave STBXWH 3 years to fix himself, go to counseling and make some major changes in his behaviors. He doesn't have it in him to do any of those. I finally had enough. Started up counseling again in April, and got my head and heart straightened out.
Filed on a Thurs morning, told him Friday morning and also told him "we aren't discussing anything anymore, I'm done".
I finally woke up and got out of my foggy ways of thinking; thinking I could change him, make him who I wanted him to be. Doesn't work unless they want to.
Not to mention the fact that he had an A with his brothers wife shortly before he met me. No one ever told me. My M was doomed from the get-go.
Good luck and hugs
"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".
Posts: 1120 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 26912
| Posted: 8:19 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
D day #1 was 9/23/09
I accepted him back in the house Thanksgiving 2009 and he committd to NC and R. I told him that under no circumstances was he to have any contact with her, if he did I was done... he knew where I stood and that there was no turning back if that happend.
D day #2 came just a month later when my gut was screaming at me and I planted a VAR in his car. I recorded his conversation with the OW telling her how much he loves her and doesnt love me... boy this was news to me, he was telling me and our MC the same thing
After listening to the recording I was 1000% DONE... there was no doubt in my mind and I have no regrets in filing for D.
I think when you are done you just know it....
DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm
Posts: 775 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Member # 15584
| Posted: 8:52 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
For whatever reasons I had at the time, I waited a year after XH started cheating before I filed. I actually told myself, "I will file in a year if he is still cheating." I met with a lawyer very shortly after XH started cheating. I think at the time I didn't believe XH would be cheating for that long. I thought he'd wake up and realize what he was doing. In my state, you have to wait 6 months after filling before you can finalize a divorce if there are kids involved. My lawyer waited as long as he could before finalizing (because he knew I didn't really want a divorce, but felt that I had to divorce) and the divorce was final after 9 months. XH was still with OW at this time. Actually, he went back and forth from me to her. I ended up getting back together with XH after the divorce. In the end, I found out he was with OW again... and that was the last straw for me. I moved on and never looked back again.
happiness is a direction, not a place.
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 39987
| Posted: 9:11 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I am trying to finally face the facts after catching him soliciting call girls the other day. I also see that now that I've kicked him out he has wasted no time in contacting his "just a friend" to "talk".
Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore
Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Member # 10798
| Posted: 9:28 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I think I probably knew when I caught him cheating the first time. But I didn't do it until 12 years later. I had a million reasons to wait, and they all seemed good at the time. But I think the reason I didn't go through with it then was that I just wasn't ready.
The decision is never easy and there is no reason to rush it. But when you know in your heart it's time, then it probably is. Trust yourself.
Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James
Posts: 1998 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Member # 34352
| Posted: 9:32 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
They day after I found out I was able to sit, look him in the eye and tell him that I was going to divorce him.
Two years later we are finally getting to a settlement hearing.
All that time I "hoped" that he would pull his head out of his ass but alas he likes it there.
It has truly been the best thing that has happened to me. I am finally opening up to the friendships offered by other men, nothing serious but nearly every one has been a colossal improvement over Le' Douche.
I am like the tide, going out, a little at a time, but going out nonetheless!
Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........
Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
Member # 22870
| Posted: 12:49 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
I tried to R for 2 years after D-Day.
I knew it was time when the thought of being alone for the rest of my life was more appealing that the thought of being with him and his lies for one more day.
I have not regretted it for one second.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
Posts: 6300 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 19258
| Posted: 1:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
when I couldn't live without my self respect anymore.
when i decided being unemployed, broke and potentially homeless was less horrifying than putting up with drama, lies and insecurity with my X
But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Posts: 7976 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 26928
| Posted: 1:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
We'd been seperated mulitple times. The last time, we'd been apart for two years when I agreed to let him move back in.
One morning a few months after he moved back in, he left to go grocery shopping. Four hours later, he came home with 3 bags of groceries and a load of excuses. I went outside, checked his car, and found long hairs on the passenger seat that did not belong to me. I told him to get out.
He found an apartment and moved out a month later.
However I didnt file until a year later, since I needed to stablize financially and allow the kids some time to adjust as well.
For me it wasnt a matter of knowing if I would file, but rather getting my ducks in a row in order to file.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:57 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(17)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs and 2 Cats)
The Usual Suspects:
XWH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.
Posts: 4629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: *Wink*
♀ New Member
Member # 39728
| Posted: 3:15 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013|
When he admitted to cheating. That was my one and only deal-breaker. (well, aside from physical abuse which was never an issue).
Me: BS 44yo
Him: WS 42yo
Married 11yrs; together 16yr
Kids: 8yo and 3yo
Dday: June 26, 2013
Dday #2: July 22, 2013 - found out same woman and been going on since Dec 2012.
Starting the divorce process. Listing our home. Scared but hopeful.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
|Topic Posts: 21|