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User Topic: Obsessing
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep obsessing over the OW. I keep taking digs at my WH, and keep bring it up if it relates to the A all the time. I think about the OW all the time and i cant stop.

I keep thinking there was something special about her, and that I am not special anymore.

My WH is not having sex with me as much...hardly ever and its not like it used to be.

I feel like im going crazy.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add...

Its really bugging me that my WH wont and never wants to have sex. I feel like its validation that when he said (while he was in the fog) that he wasnt sexually attracted to me...it was true. i feel like since he never wants it and finds it hard to get in the mood...he doesnt find me attractive. He tells me he does but his actions speak louder than words.

The A took away my feeling that i was attractive to him, and that I was special and I cant seem to get it back.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is not having sex with me as much...hardly ever and its not like it used to be.

Has he said why not? That's horrible.

What if he were to make a list of all the things he finds special about you, and all the things you two have experienced that are special to you two? Could that be a good starting point to overcoming some of the damage? What would he say to making such a list?

Sometimes that can help to overcome some of the mind movies, because you can know specific things he never shared with the AP.

I'm sorry. I can relate. It's such a painful place to be.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is totally normal to obsess in these situations. When under stress (for some people, myself included), everything that happens or is said is like a laser in our mind. Plus, the things he said about you being unattractive are just plain awful. To heal from such cruelty, part of the healing process is going over them in your mind.

That said, obsessive thoughts are obviously not always welcome. And the OW doesn't deserve that much of your mind. I was in IC yesterday and we were discussing negative obsessive thoughts of mine (not A-related) and my IC suggested that I literally identify, "This is an obsessive thought." That alone, she says, is helpful. Because many of us don't recognize them for what they are (obsession) and sometimes feel they are protective or important (as in, "I can't stop thinking about this or I will let my guard down, or forgive him before I am ready for the things he said, or I am rugsweeping it.") After identifying the thought as obsessive, the IC suggested that I literally get angry at it - maybe even verbalize out loud, "this is an obsessive thought and you're stealing my sanity. Go away."

I know, it sounds weird and I can't say yet if it works. But I've been trying to deal with my obsessive thoughts with calmness and meditation. It has helped a ton, but some still linger - so this idea of labeling the thought and actively stopping it with anger (anger that it is invading my life) is something I plan to try.

Good luck.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read your second post. What he said is so hurtful, and hurtful he won't do something about it now.

I had to deal with something very similar, and it made me sick. This was a big reason why I began to detach from my H. It was very difficult. But gradually the pain started to fade when I stopped putting so much importance on his perception of me.

It wasn't easy or fast. It took time to build a completely different habit. Anytime I began to stress over how H saw me, I reminded myself that his wayward behaviors were a serious turn-off. I also tried to start thinking of what I liked about myself, take pride in it. Never mind your H for a moment - what do you like about yourself, including in bed? Once you know that, focus on that. Remind yourself that you are valuable, as a person, as a sexual woman. When our loved one rejects us, it feels like we're invalidated as people, doesn't it? We have to get ourselves back.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto Rocky and silver...but it is HARD. I'm still trying.

Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gradually the pain started to fade when I stopped putting so much importance on his perception of me.

This x1000 Awesome post silverhopes


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silverhopes:

He always uses excuses like he is always tired, or not in the mood, or not feeling good. And when we have sex...its different than it was. He kisses different, he says things different, and he doesnt look at me like he used to during.

I have him tell me that im special and ask him to tell me reasons why...but i know he wouldnt do the list.

He doesnt like talking about the A....he says I always take digs and I am constantly bringing it up.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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