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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still trying to feel "normal" again
Sofia58
♀ Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 2.5 years since DDay where I learned of my WH short term affair. He planned to leave me for her, but then stayed after he disclosed and we talked.

My husband worked hard at R and so did I. We are together and fairly happy. I would even say happier than we were before and more in touch with each other.

SO why do I still feel like the walking wounded? I think about it every day and about the OW every day. I still don't feel that I am safe and that I have a partner that I can really trust. Does it get better? Has anyone else felt like this? Advice?

Oh an one other thing... sometimes someone will make a comment to me about how my H is one of the "good ones". And inside I feel like "No he is not...he is a cheater". And I don't want to feel like that but I do. Ideas?


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh an one other thing... sometimes someone will make a comment to me about how my H is one of the "good ones". And inside I feel like "No he is not...he is a cheater". And I don't want to feel like that but I do. Ideas?

Does it feel invalidating? Just hearing that has got to be hard, regardless of if they meant it as a compliment. It's a very big assumption on their part.

It's normal for it to take a long time to heal. From others here, I hear it gets better. If you're worried about your own emotional health, the toll that the emotional suffering is taking on you and doesn't seem to be getting better, you might consider an IC. An IC can help you figure out tools to get unstuck. A lot of it is normal healing time and process, but we need extra support.

I wish I had better advice on feeling safe again. I'm out a ways and still don't at times. So right now we're working on how to feel safe inside, without anyone externally making me feel safe. Feeling like I *create* the safe environment and have the confidence and tools that I can respond to any threat. It's been a really good learning experience.

But it's hard. How do you regain trust after your H threw it away? How does your H respond to your struggles?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:34 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask what kind of therapy you've done? I know some people have had really wonderful success with EMDR. One of my very dear friends went through some trauma therapy and it was seriously awesome (I got a little therapy by proxy, lol).

Sometimes, I just choose to suck it up. I would just tell myself, "yes, this sucks. but you decided to keep working on it, so pull up the boot straps and think about the good things you have." My IC would ask me, "if this was the last day of your life, is this how you would live it?"

I dunno. It helped me sometimes to try to push aside the pain, and focus on what was still good and wonderful in my life. I think it kind of has to become a conscious decision.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sofia58
♀ Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to counselling with my H. It was very helpful. I toyed with the idea of EMDR but did not pursue it.

My H tells me that he never thinks about the A at all. In some ways that is good bc I don't want him sitting around thinking about HER. But, on the other hand, it puts him in a place where he doesn't realize how much it still affects me every day. I feel that if I talk about it too much, he will think I am just being a martyr, since he doesn't handle things the way I do. I also know that we all want to feel good about ourselves, so to keep reminding him of a terrible thing he did would not make me a very appealing spouse. So I know that I ultimately have to resolve this for myself. I like the idea of creating my own way to feel safe.

If he cheats on my again, I would not try again... our M would be over. But that is if I FOUND OUT that he was cheating! I know that I am fearful that he will do it again and I will be in the dark again, just going on like normal. If it ever happens again, I want to be in on the decision he is making that is affecting MY life. Because the last time he made his grand decision, it sure ended up affecting my life a lot longer than it affected his!


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate it when someone talks about how great my H is and how lucky I am to have him. It feels like fraud, but I just smile and say thanks.

What you have written here and your time line is near to mine. I hardly remember normal any more. Today has been a hard day for me and I see from this topic it is a hard day for you as well.

I hate the phrase "new normal". I want my old self back. I may have missed some cues and clues, but I liked me 2 1/2 years ago. Unfortunately I found out I did not know or like who my H had become. In infidelity the BS pays the debt and has to move on, either alone or with the WS.

I sometimes still have to take R day by day, deciding and reaffirming my decision to R. I hope you and I can get back to being ourselves, not a BW, but back to being a W.

I want to be a couple again, not this disjointed feeling that there is still a third party. Now the OW is gone, but the A itself has become the unwanted OP that I am fighting against.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1402 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sophia, I totally get you on not wanting to be fooled again. Totally. But you found out once, right? And you are so much wiser now, anyway. You'll know if it happens again. Trust in yourself. Believe in yourself. You'll know. You'll figure it out.

I don't really buy into the "appealing spouse" thing. He ripped my guts out, he sure as damn hell can help me put them back in. TALK TO HIM about how you are feeling. NOT talking about it and holding all the pain in is what a martyr would do.

I considered sharing my pain a growth opportunity for my FWH. He caused it, he could cure it. Let him in. Let him succeed in helping you feel better. It is good for the wayward to do so. To help you heal. To face the pain he created. To soothe the demons. It isn't rubbing their nose in it. It is simply being authentic. You hurt because of his actions. I think the least you can do is let him help fix it.

ETA: I just thought of something else. We recently celebrated our 22nd anniversary. I posted a picture of the bottle of wine we were sharing on Facebook. A friend said, "such a wonderful couple, you give us all hope."

At first I had that negative reaction, but then I thought, fuck that. We ARE a great couple! We have come through more than anyone could ever know. Same with my spouse. He fucked up epically, but then moved heaven, hell and earth to fix it. You gotta respect that, don'tcha?

Dunno. YMMV.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 4:44 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We ARE a great couple! We have come through more than anyone could ever know. Same with my spouse. He fucked up epically, but then moved heaven, hell and earth to fix it

I saw this on pinterest and your comment reminded me of it...The best relationships are the ones that press on through the darkness. They are the people that look at each other and see the broke and hurt and say you are worthy.


Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sofia58
♀ Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Sofia58 at 8:59 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS has always been the "Great Guy". Everyone has always told me how blessed I am to have one of the "good ones". I used to believe them. I half-assed believed that I was really the bitch in the relationship that his friends thought i was, because I thought I had a few boundaries, and that's exactly what I had was a few. While he was busy saving the world, I was there to make sure all his needs were taken care of, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, working, and looking like a bitch because I didn't want our house open to the public 24/7 and got irritated because his phone rang 25-30 times a day (no exaggeration) with people who "needed" him.

After all we've been through in the last year (everyone knows & all of "his" people already knew) I still get approached with people telling me that they are so glad we are working it out, because he really is such a good guy and he just made a mistake.

Makes me want to scream, and sometimes I do respond with, "You mean a 3-year mistake compounded by another 3 years of lying about it and ending in a child that he never wanted to have with me. Yeah, I guess he 'just' made a mistake." It usually leaves them with their mouths hanging open and many of them think I am being bitter and unforgiving by not just moving past this whole thing, after all he's such a "GREAT GUY" and all.
------------------------------
BS - 49
WH - 60
Dday- 9/04/12
LTA (PA) ended summer of 2009
LTA EA Began in 2004 or 2005 and continued after PA ended until Mayish 2011 when she got caught stealing $1100.00 cash off of our counter top.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
simpleD
♀ New Member
Member # 40321
Target  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sofia58, I can totally relate to your feelings and coninued questions... As I ask myself many of same these questions and have similar thoughts. Our situations sem quite similiar. on the down days, I think I losing my mind. I mean we are 2 years out from Dday and I still struggle with having doubts, of wondering about the what ifs. I get so frustrated with myself for what seems like regression, but it may just the dips of roller coaster ride we are on. I'm currently at a low point and trying dig my way out of the negative state of mind. I feel like I am always the one to bring up the topic of my feelings, my struggles & frustrations with WH. Sometimes, He sees when I'm in having a bad day or down but doesn't acknowledge it to me or offer comfort or reassurance. When I bring it up he is patient & willing to talk about. He is & has been remorseful.He seems to be doing all the right things. He has taken full responsibility for his stupid mistake a short term EA & PA. He said he knows how much I'm hurting & understands its harder for me to move on. Things have been so much better between us. he's made many changes in his attitude & actions... So why am still sad and struggling with moving on? I had been doing better but the 2yr anniversary of the A & me finding out he'd been deleing his internet history has me in a tail spin the past week or so. I'm confident there is still NC and no EA or Pa going on. But the fear of being betrayed and the hurt & pain of going thru that EVER again has me paranoid. I don't want this fear to stall our R.

I hope & pray that you (all of us BS) may find the strength to work through the pain, frustrations and lingering questions.

"You can't start a new chapter of your life, if you keep re-reading the last one"


BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Mom-of-4
♀ Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it does get better. I am almost 4 years out from dday. I still had a lot of rough days year 2-3. I still think about it daily now, but without all the emotion. It's such a relief to not be angry, anxious, sad, or depressed anymore. Are things the same as they were before the A? No. I was very happy before my WH's A. Unfortunately, loving him is a choice now. I trust him fine. I feel pretty safe. I can say I'm pretty happy. Just keep pushing forward. It will get better. As for the comments about your WH. I just don't answer sometimes or I sometimes will say, "all I know is HE is blessed to have ME." HUGS!!


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought about it everyday almost all day long for the past 8 months solid. I told him this a few weeks ago. I said, you know the first thought I have every day? OW! the last thought I have at night? OW! I even dream of her sometimes. I never stop. Even if I don't say anything, just know that is what I am thinking about.

I think he was shocked when I said this. He didn't realize that it consumed me to this extent.

And there are plenty of women who also say, ohhhh your husband is awesome and I am like yeah right. One is this girl he used to go drinking with that used to hang on him and pat his back and say, "I love your husband" to me. just like a school girl. squealing with delight. Yeah... I kinda hate her.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a FWH, I will say that I can relate to your feelings Sofia. This may sound strange coming from a WS but I really can. A couple of weeks ago, my grandmother passed. At her memorial service, we saw some distant relatives (who we love dearly) but rarely see. They started to tell us how great of a couple we are and how they like seeing the loving messages/status updates my Beautiful BS and I post on Facebook. Well it made me well up and got sick to my stomach because I knew I wasn't the great husband they thought I was. I sometimes get triggered in those moments and feel like complete sh*t for what I've done to my wonderful BS who never deserved this. When they mentioned it, I quickly diverted their compliments and gave all credit for the love in our relationship to my lovely BS. I continually praised her and admitted that I'm the lucky one for having her in my life because I truly am after what I've put her through. Since DDay, every time someone pays me a compliment for my M or how good i seem as a spouse, i can never accept that compliment and always give my amazing BS the credit because she truly is the one who deserves that credit. I consider every day a gift from her because I still go to bed next to her and wake up with her.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
Sofia58
♀ Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friends,

I have been out of touch for the last week due to the wedding of my stepdaughter. Tonight I am checking back in and the thoughts that you have all shared are helpful and meaningful to me.

It is a strange experience to survive such a betrayal. I think of it daily but without the excruciating pain that I once had. But OW works near me and I am on constant alert that I might run into her. I always want to look my best, etc. It can still be exhausting. I wonder if I will ever be able to stand next to me husband again and just think he is a great guy. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is helpful to know that I am not alone.


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a FWH, I will say that I can relate to your feelings Sofia. This may sound strange coming from a WS but I really can. A couple of weeks ago, my grandmother passed. At her memorial service, we saw some distant relatives (who we love dearly) but rarely see. They started to tell us how great of a couple we are and how they like seeing the loving messages/status updates my Beautiful BS and I post on Facebook. Well it made me well up and got sick to my stomach because I knew I wasn't the great husband they thought I was. I sometimes get triggered in those moments and feel like complete sh*t for what I've done to my wonderful BS who never deserved this. When they mentioned it, I quickly diverted their compliments and gave all credit for the love in our relationship to my lovely BS. I continually praised her and admitted that I'm the lucky one for having her in my life because I truly am after what I've put her through. Since DDay, every time someone pays me a compliment for my M or how good i seem as a spouse, i can never accept that compliment and always give my amazing BS the credit because she truly is the one who deserves that credit. I consider every day a gift from her because I still go to bed next to her and wake up with her.

I really liked your post, and I think it's great that you pass along the compliments to your BS.

It's hard to hear these things from people who have no idea what happened. Part of me wants to tell them everything, and then the other part wants to keep my life private. So I usually just nod and smile.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1050 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sofia58
♀ Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know those mixed feelings. I do want others to think well of my spouse, but I cringe when someone is talking about a cheater and then says, "but you got one of the good ones" or "your husband is a really good man". In so many ways, he IS a really good man. But to cheat in the confines of your marriage??? That is really going at the root, or foundation of a marriage. After all, what is a marriage about if it is not about forsaking all others to be committed just to each other? And that doesn't just mean when things are going well.


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Target  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to so many of you... It's like I wrote those post..
I am tired and had a very bad day.. But trying hard not to argue but can't tell because it usually starts up when he finally comes to bed.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every single post on this thread speaks to me.
I have the husband everyone wishes they had: the kind, generous, attentive husband. I feel like a fraud.

It's too soon to expect much healing, but I expect it of myself anyway. I want so desperately to be happy and trusting again.

I love him, but the broken trust hangs between us like a curtain. He's doing the right things, but I question whether or not he really understands the depth of the pain I'm feeling. He cheated before, what would keep him from doing it again? The betrayal runs so deep and some days I'm not sure how to cope with the exhaustion from dealing with it all.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 10:26 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
bitterbetrayal
♀ Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can identify with everything you say.My FWH is adored by every one. He is also a priest and chaplain. It is over four years now and is bit by bit getting a little easier. When I think of his affair, which I still do every day, it is not quite so painful.It just takes time.


ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
BEEN TOGETHER 28 YEARS
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sofia58,

I so agree with everything you say. It has been a year now since D-day and I am frustrated that the A and the OW still consume me.

For us, I think it is the problems with our Moral sensibility. Staying goes against our Moral values.

These WS didn't just betray and hurt us. We are now married to men that crapped upon our Moral values and fiber.

These values are a huge part of who we are. We believe and live them. We take pride in them and stand behind them. We stand up for what is right and good. We live our life with integrity.

Now we are in a relationship with someone that didn't honor values that we believed they too shared.

Now, we feel we compromised our own moral values to stand by them. In a sense we are tearing ourselves in half.

If we leave...we give up..."for better or worse" a moral value we hold dear becomes meaningless.

If we stay...we give in...because we have high integrity and know we deserve better.

Either way, we compromise ourselves, our moral values and beliefs. Our view on what love means (Love means never hurting someone you care about. How can you choose to be with someone else if you truly love us?)is compromised.

The only thing we can do is change, accommodate, and adapt to this new reality.

Of course it is hard...we will fight it all the way. We are changing who we are and what we believe in for someone else's horrible choice(not mistake)..it is proof of how good we are. Of how much better we are than the OW and the WS.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 21
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