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User Topic: Why Lie to Anonymous People?
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is silly I know, but I've followed threads on here and have found myself getting deeply invested in wanting a great outcome and what's best for people and for them to be happy. Clearly no different than everyone here I'm sure.

So it bothers me when I read what people write, believe what they say, hope for them, send good thoughts, try my best to provide helpful input and then find out that they've been lying to us all along.

More than anything and anywhere else,the "security" of anonymity should surely enable people to tell the truth HERE right?

The lesson learned for me is to not be overly invested in the outcome for someone that I don't even know.

Edited: Since I did not mean to offend anyone, I've tried to make my post less offensive.

[This message edited by iggyD at 2:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iggyD...

I'm not sure what your goal here is except to possibly make that person feel worse and even more unwelcomed here.

At least she had the guts to tell us all the truth, but after this vent thread, I'm not so sure she'll ever come back for the help she needs.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197792 | Registered: May 2002
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aww, Iggy!

I feel this way as well. Especially for BS's, many of whom have already been lied to and gas-lighted beyond belief. We all want to believe we can come here for honesty - whether it's to tell the truth or hear the truth.

I can only think of 2 reasons to lie to anonymous people:

1) You're a pathalogical liar. You just have to.

2) You're afraid your WS/BS is reading your posts, so you "edit" (or outright lie) to protect yourself.

Not saying it's okay, just offering a response to a problem I don't like any more than you do.

ETA: Crap - are we talking about someone specific?

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 1:20 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. It's kind of insightful, though. Since none of us really know the people we are conversing with, lying on S.I. is mostly lying to yourself.

That being said, the fact that the person appears to be coming clean is a step in the right direction. Baby steps.

ETA: DS, Iggy can speak for herself, but I think this is the goal "Lesson learned for me to not be overly invested in the outcome for someone that I don't even know."

She makes a good point. You do have to take everyone who posts on here at their word and well, people are people, right?

But I would focus on this - the only reason we know a person has been lying on SI is the fact that they chose to finally come clean! Even anonymously that takes some guts.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From an FWS.

Why Lie? It's self preservation. And for many of us, it's deeply, deeply ingrained in us. It's not something that is changed over night.

It takes a lifetime to develop crappy coping mechanisms and it's going to take more than a week or a couple months to correct them. Hence the 2-5, but more likely 7 year healing timeline post infidelity. And even then, it's butt-busting work. For some, it takes longer than that.

I was a member of SI and broke NC with AP. I knew better. I read here every frickin' day. But I broke NC in a last ditch effort to "get closure". (which was a crock) I needed a fix because I was swimming in absolute chaos. Post Dday, in all the trauma, 30 days is beans in the broad scope of actual healing. I needed a fix. So I "reached out".

Didn't tell anyone here for months afterwards. Why? Fear of judgment and "Dear God, are you not listening to us!? Are you really that stupid!?" Thankfully, there were some WS that "got it" and knew what it was like. They guided me and pushed me to look into why I broke NC.

I applaud anyone who has the nerve to say, "You know what? I've been lying." As someone who has had to do that, it's terrifying to admit to. Anyone who can verbalize the truth, it's a step in the right direction.

I've found myself emotionally invested in individuals here so I understand where you're coming from. I have had to step back because I realize I have more than enough skeletons in my own closet to mess with. I don't need to take on anyone else's baggage too. Not saying at all that's the case for you. Just speaking for myself.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lie to myself all the time. I don't think I'd be angry with someone who was lying to me and I didn't even know them. I've forgiven the lies I told myself about my marriage, about my spouse, about myself...I'm not judging anyone else.

If I am sitting here for months on end trying to sort through whether or not to R or D with a total douchebag I am not going to be very judgmental of anyone else.

Maybe speaking up here took a lot of courage that will lead to something wonderful for this person?


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it takes great courage to admit that you've lied, even to anonymous people. Similarly I think it takes great courage to apologize.

We have to keep in mind that even though a poster may be anonymous to us, their spouse, or a friend might know of their identity and they may govern their posts accordingly.

IggD, it is a good thing that you try to help people, but maybe not such a good thing to become so emotionally invested in an anonymous poster that you take their weaknesses personally. I know when I get too emotionally involved it is usually a sign that I'm really avoiding something in my life that I should be taking care of.

I'm not saying that is the case with you, but certainly worth thinking about.

Wishing you the best!

ETA: Change to -> too

[This message edited by alphakitte at 1:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iggyD...for some I think it's a way of life. Trying to protect themselves. Trying to make themselves feel better.

My FWH got whipped with willow switches for telling the truth about somethings and whipped again for lying about other things as a child.

He had to learn how to protect himself no mater who it's with and it has followed him throughout his life.

I had thought we were all through that years ago but obviously with the A he still has deeply set mind games.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie84

Thank you for your response. Like iggyd. I was trying to figure out how to post here about why people lie but didn't want to express who. But i wasn't so much offended that the person did lie to us, but was wondering why. To give me some insight into my own problems with WH.

So thank you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iggyD, I think getting to transparency and telling the truth are part of the journey. Lying could be a coping mechanism that someone has used all their life. Even though it is anonymous, admitting the truth to oneself can be difficult for some.

I do hope you keep investing your help and thoughts. It reminds me of the SI adage: "You have to let go of the outcome." Everyone's journey and the length of time it takes to fix themselves can vary. IMO, when we give our time to help, encourage, and hope for them, it helps to sort out our own feelings and thoughts too.

Consider what the lying is doing to the S/SO and to themselves and how painful that must be for their R.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Mar 2010
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was likely very brave of them to come here and admit to their lies. I hope it is a starting point to a new way of life for them.

It's also a good reminder to all of us that we are only ever getting one perspective, one story, one truth and the honest to goodness truth can't be known for sure. The risk of joining an anonymous online community is people are not always who they present themselves to be. There is no way to *trust but verify* with an online persona.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with others.....why lie???? Is that not defeating the purpose of what they are trying to achieve?

I another way I can understand that maybe this person is trying to change but just isn't there yet. I have to say I respect those who honestly say that they can't move away from their AP yet. It helps me understand the struggles my H went through.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome Josephine01.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen this a lot in my time here. I don't take it personally. I don't think it's helpful to look at them as pathological liars, either. WSs don't get HERE because they have great coping skills. They aren't magically 'cured' upon landing here, either. I wish it were that simple.

Everybody here has to go through a process- and it's a different process for all of us. We each take it at our own pace.

The WS who comes on here and comes clean about everything right out of the gate is exceptionally rare. EXCEPTIONALLY RARE! So, I don't expect it from them. As a result, I don't experience a let down when I see that someone has lied again. I actually see it as progress when a new/old lie is revealed. It means they are working through their stuff.


Posts: 11674 | Registered: Mar 2008
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The line WH said to me after d-day 2 comes to mind, when he had taken the A underground, "I was telling you everything I wanted to be true."
My guess is it's something like that. And I think for some people, especially a WS, they can become so delusional in their fog/compartmentalizing minds that in some way they may even start to believe their own lies or create yet another life, the "doing everything right WS" while still doing everything wrong. I don't think it's any exaggeration that it takes a truly broken/disordered person to commit an A.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I agree with the above poster that basically it's a process and the person coming back to admit their lies is a very big step and part of process of becoming authentic.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too can admire and respect someone who stands up and says, "I lied. Here is the truth." Whether it be anonymously here on the internet or out in the RL world, that takes guts. JMHO.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2146 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


@ Aubrie
- your post is great food for thought because I've always had very little tolerance for lying in IRL when the simple truth will do. I certainly don't understand it on anonymous forums. Obviously, anonymity has little to do with it and it's a lot more complex. Thanks for presenting another perspective.

Everyone - thanks for the gentle reminders that I'm not perfect and to "not be judgmental". Your point was received and you're absolutely right. I do have enough to worry about just taking care of me.

Again, sorry for going off the rails today.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you need to apologize Iggy. You were hurt. You just have a big heart even for anony-people.

Hugs.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand Iggy. It doesn't really make much sense does it? Seems simple. It's just a computer screen. Nobody knows who we are, where we live. We're just another username. Tell the truth.

It's not really about anyone here. It's about the internal battle I had with myself. My need to protect myself. I was already "the bad guy", why in Grimm's name would I fess up to breaking NC? Ya know? I wanted to do everything within my power to protect what little shred of "dignity" I had.

Confessing it, even on an anonymous message board made it real. If I had to voice (or type) it, I had to acknowledge it, and I had to change it. And that's incredibly scary. It meant facing the demons.

We all have off days Iggy. Take a deep breath.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 20

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