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User Topic: Living in the fall out
bytheboard
♀ Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I ever got my feet under me after the last Dday in June. Our entire relationship was built on a lie and the picture that I bought into was a complete sham. WH keeps saying that God must've had a reason and that he is feeling free from his addiction for the first time in his entire life.

The predominant emotion I feel is shock. Not the sharp, wrenching shock of the knife stabbing me in the gut on Dday, but the huge all encompassing shock that follows a devastating act of terrorism. I survived it, but I'm surrounded by shattered buildings and clouds of smoke and ash. And I have SO many wounds.

It's as if the bombs that went off were nuclear and now the water supply is poisoned. Every sip makes me feel sicker, weaker, more confused. I used to feel so strong and self confident, able to handle any challenge. I handled so many.

My career was crisis management for trauma victims and I was payed by the state to perform this function. I did my job well.

This crisis is testing all my skills... And a lot of days I am coming up lacking. I am SO sad.

Next week will be 1 year out from the first Dday. Subsequent Ddays followed every couple months. I still feel so shaken, so unsettled, so unsafe. I truly hoped that a year out I would feel much more recovered, more myself again.

He is trying but his efforts are unintentionally sporadic. He is really battling a life long illness and not able to respond in ways that a healthier person would. Both of our families keep encouraging me to " be there for him in his time of need". I just feel that my pain and trauma gets lost in his need to recover.

I'm tired of feeling so unsure. I'm tired of trying to piece the puzzle together and realizing how many holes are still there... I truly believe the volume of his behaviors means he can't easily give me those pieces but I do wish he would try harder to recover them.

I wish I could feel stabilized... Like I am familiar with the terrain instead of feeling like I am still in the middle of a mine field.

I am tired. I am discouraged by were we are as a couple and as individuals one year after the initial blast.

Thanks for letting me get all of that out.


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bytheboard))))

Are you in IC? I know that you specialize in helping others, but it's hard to use those skills to help yourself when you're suffering so much. Then you can decide if you're willing to continue fighting or decide that this is a dealbreaker for your M. You don't want to feel like this for the rest of your life. You only get one. You should be happy.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4957 | Registered: May 2007
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH keeps saying that God must've had a reason and that he is feeling free from his addiction for the first time in his entire life.

I keep hearing the same thing and I truly believe this whole shit storm was an answer to my years of prayers for her to find that freedom.

Then I think yippy, hooray for you, why did I have to be the martyr. Why did I have to pay the price for your freedom?

On my good days, I can see that it is freedom for me too. That I can grow and change from this as well. Now that the bomb has leveled the buildings I have a say in how they are rebuilt. I am no longer stuck in that dilapidated structure.

Voice your thoughts, feelings, your hopes, your dreams. Whether you stay or go, it can be a new beginning for you as well.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both of our families keep encouraging me to " be there for him in his time of need".

Ya know something? Screw that. The last time I checked the cross, I didn't see an image of you nailed to it. There is absolutely no reason for you to be martyred to further his healing. He can heal himself. You need to work on you and what's best for YOU.

Please step back and thing about this as if you were one of your victims. What would you tell that shell-shocked woman? What would you advise her? What care would you recommend for HER well-being? Show yourself the same compassion that you would show a stranger coming to you for help. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My career was crisis management for trauma victims and I was payed by the state to perform this function. I did my job well.

This crisis is testing all my skills... And a lot of days I am coming up lacking. I am SO sad.

I am really happy you posted this because I don't think many waywards get how traumatic infidelity is to the BS. I always thought myself strong until this.

(((bytheboard))) I'm sorry you find yourself here, but happy you are here for support! SI has saved my sanity.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 5

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