A great place to start is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. There are articles and FAQs.
There are also a bunch of great threads in the Just Found Out forum some are:
Before You say Reconcile
A Great Post for Newbies
Boundaries and Consequences 101
They may be a couple pages back but worth the read.
Take care of yourself. Try to eat right, sleep right, drink plenty of water, exercise. Take it easy. It is a long road but you can do it.
Keep reading and posting. Let us help you sort through the confusion. You can and will survive this.
Welcome to SI. Sorry you have a purpose here, but glad for you that you found this site early.
I understand the feeling like the A was on me to fix. Truth be told, I carried a lot of the water for the first year while FWW got her head out of her ass and decided that she did want to stay M'd to me and to do the work.
Will you be able to trust, forgive, feel whole, love..., yes. But this makes the point that some of early effort after dday must be for the BS to heal him or her self. During this period I believe that it is too early to be working on R. In stead, I see this as a period of "not divorcing".
So long as your WH is maintaining NC, and you feel safe staying in the M, not divorcing is enough. Use this time, the next 6 - 12 months to work on healing you and taking care of your children. Set boundaries for your WS including NC, a timeline of the A if you want one, work on himself to explain his "Whys" for having the A, and to change to healthier behavior.
Read books like Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and invite your WH to read and discuss them with you. Keep posting and reading here on SI. Watch to see if your WH's actions match his words and promises.
For now, you are doing fine if you are working on healing yourself, and "not divorcing" your WH. R can come later when you have come to a point of acceptance, and you can accept your WS as a full and equal member of the M relationship. At that point you can look at the path your WH has been on and decide. Has he owned his A, and learned and practiced new behaviors to replace his wayward behaviors? Do you still love your WH, or at least think you could learn to love him again?
Getting to R is a marathon, a long one, measured in years.
Best Wishes and keep posting and reading.
You can't push the boulder uphill alone, you know?
I worked on releasing the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed, and I observed my W. She wanted R, and her behavior was very consistent with R, so eventually I chose R, too.
The key for me - and I think for everybody, but that's JMO - was feeling the pain and letting it go. As I reduced my level of pain, I was able to comprehend what I wanted more and more clearly, and the lowered level of pain allowed me to see that my W was a good candidate for R.
I expect you feel awful now, and it may get worse - but never doubt that you can survive this and thrive, whether you R or D or S or just take a long time to make a decision.
I think Sisoon has given you some beautiful advice. I read Sisoon's posts a lot/same with Rebreather and Chicho.
Our d-days are close so I "get" where you are in your head right now. And I am happy that you are liking who you are becoming during this horrific time.
Your questions are all so normal right now. And even with a remorseful spouse who is doing everything right we still ask ourselves these questions. Hell, I was putting my undies in a suitcase at 5am around 6 months bc I felt desperate that I would not be able to make it through that particular time. But I did and I know I can keep going.
As for this...
have been thinking a lot about our 2 boys lately too, ages 2 and 4, and wondered how a father could be so inconsiderate of his children, and how he is going to live with himself knowing he put his desires ahead of his parental duties. He is such a great father, how could this not have stopped him
I too asked myself this in the beginning but I have since come to realize that his behavior was so purely selfish and that he was able to compartmentalize the A so successfully that he really did believe he was a great provider and an excellent dad. And to those looking in, he was! But he has since realized that he was only half there. He was distracted, not following through, and so on. He thought he could do both. It is warped, I know. But this is what he tells me today. He now knows it was all BS!
Is your H remorseful? Is he filling your bucket? Is he helping you push the boulder as Rebreather mentions?
I hope all of this is helpful to you. Keep posting. You will get through this one moment at a time. You have come so far already.
[This message edited by LA44 at 6:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
First, another dday is not uncommon. It is horrific and damaging and can make recovery all the much harder. I too had a second dday, also 3 months after the first where I learned they'd met for lunch once and she'd sent him a secret cell phone. Oh trust me, I know how you are feeling.
For me, after that second dday the gloves came off. I was just like, "this is bull fucking shit. if you want to stay in this marriage, you better start fucking acting like it" and I quit being any kind of gentle with him. He had a week to meet my list of demands. Really at that point, shit gets real, you know?
And yes, a second dday will set your healing clock back to the beginning.
Be easy with yourself. You have to work the process. Have you gotten mad yet?
[This message edited by whattheh at 1:50 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]