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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 1yr 3mo since Dday, still can't leave it all behind
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it me? But I can't seem to let it go. Got triggered pretty bad this past weekend and today as well. Now it comes out in rage which quickly goes away.

Anyone felt the same being this much out?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes.

yesterday I had some pretty violent anger because I realized I had given him many opportunities to confess but he didn't.

There are things that crop up that once some time has gone by and you gain a little perspective you say to yourself, did he really do/say that? And you can think about it in context and you're horrified. I think this is completely normal...2nd year stuff.

I will never leave it all behind. Most yes, all, no. The question is, is mostly good good enough?

you're not alone!

a wise member, Sisoon, just posted this on another thread about the 2nd year. I hope it's ok to repost.

"On the whole, year 2 was a lot easier for us. The trouble was that every couple of months I'd see an already known issue in a new light, and that tended to be devastating."

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:49 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4508 | Registered: Dec 2010
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Rachel....as your mind heals it can look at things more clearly. Keep asking the questions, keep getting to what makes you feel safe. My H does not like when old things resurface. I now tell him they do that because they have not been resolved in my subconscious. I remind him it is up to him to make me feel safe, not the other way around.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true. Lots of things have not been resolved in my brain because she was acting so outside of herself that I can't quite find peace with those thoughts. She can't either, that's the problem. It's like she was someone else. She's embarrassed by the things she did and doesn't even want to think about them, while I'm having a hard time letting them go.

It is true, yr2 you see old things in a new light. I'm wanting to learn how to push away those feelings since I did forgive her and we are working on R.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can fully identify with this post and all the responses. Sisoon's words are so true.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes feel like talking about the A with the FWW is like crucifying her over and over.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married....

Believe it or not but that is why I signed up for SI. I still needed to talk but I knew the damage it was doing to him when we revisited or visited anything. I am now wanting to give him some space to heal himself. He has so much shame, so much pain at what he was able to create.

I am with you in wanting to find a balance and move forward.....for both of our sakes. I know I am not going anywhere, I know he will never do this again. Now we just need to get to happy again.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q..

May I ask if your anger towards her was directly about the A or did you get mad at her for something else she did.

I was curious when you said your trigger came out with rage and went away quickly. That reminds me of my BH. I'm wondering if I make him trigger in his head and then gets really mad at me about something irrelevant as a way to get past that trigger. I'm left confused as why he's so mad because whatever I did.. Didn't warrant the anger and little do I know it's because of a trigger

Does your WW always know when you trigger?


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 766 | Registered: Jul 2012
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mess.....

I would like to answer your last question. My RH always knows when I trigger because I tell him as soon as I possibly can. We have come to realize that my triggers set us both up for a hellish fight to get back to where we started. I would say yes,my anger is a times because of a trigger and I was trying to hide that from my RH. But to hide anything now for me is pointless....it just sets us backwards. My mind was so horribly good at make believing the works of the A was so magical and steamy, when in fact it was nothing like that at all, especially in year 4. Whatever incredible high my H got from the A was long gone and reality had set back into his life.

Another note, and it may or may not be relevant to you.....for so many years I harboured hidden resentments and depression from my H because of his enormously stressful traveling job. Because I chose to be the "good wife" and not say anything my anger grew incredibly. This anger was directed towards me most of the time but my daily suffered from it and usually didn't know why or where it came from. They have spent the last 20 years watching me withdraw and hate myself, all while thinking I was mad at them!!! That couldn't have been farther from the truth, again for most of the time.

My IC has helped me so incredibly much to see how and who I was becoming and how that different person had affected m y marriage. I have come to realize I really didn't like my old self.

Now if I am angry or triggering I explain it in full to my hubby.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 4:44 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're mad at her, just spend 3-5 minutes writing down why you're angry (i.e 'I'm angry that...' or 'I'm angry about...'). That'll take care of most of your anger. What's left probably needs to be discussed.

I was taught that anger/rage is just an indication that we want something to be different, even if it can't be. If it passes quickly, you're processing it well.

I sometimes feel like talking about the A with the FWW is like crucifying her over and over.

Well, if it feels like you're crucifying her and you don't want to do that, hold off on your comments until you know what you want to get from making them. Once you know what you want, you can phrase your comments so they get you what you want.

Bro, I know it seems like an excruciatingly long time to heal, but you'll get there.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9764 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon - Thank you! Thank you for the kind words.

TxsT - SI helps me in that I'm not alone. I still feel like I will never be justified in my pain. Oh well.

messedupchick - I think my anger comes from post traumatic. Anxiety kicks in. Before I used to just fall into anxiety. Not it's more anger. Usually when she stays late at the office or wants to get a drink with her friends. I feel ignored, betrayed, left behind.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kinds of "old" things pop up? What is it in year 2 that makes things different We r 9 months out. Right at the beginning of affair season. Next week will be 1 year since she started texting him & within a couple weeks it was a full blown PA. They didn't waste any time getting to the sex. They were in love within a month & discussing what others would think if they knew they were 'together'. The next couple months are gonna be shitty. I feel like he's td me met everything. Some he swears he cannot remember because he says he was out if his mind. Some things he didn't want to tell me cause he was ashamed. The dirty talk is one of those things. So, just wondering what kind of things can pop up later on that might give me problems?


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 2M2Q

I get it on why you are angry. From what I can see, it would lessen your triggers if she was able to show love to you so when she stays late or has a drink with friends it wouldn't hurt. Workinf late or social time with friends are totally normal things but with a difficult WW its tough!

If she isn't saying she loves you at this stage, may I ask why do you want to R with her? ( I read your profile )

Txst: thanks for answering. Sounds like you are handling your triggers very well. So hard for a WS to be left guessing. That's how I feel all the time. Clueless on what I did wrong and if its a trigger or regular anger


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 766 | Registered: Jul 2012
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mess...

at one year, which I am at in 2 weeks, the things that resurface for me are the "how in the world could he have done what he did"...also music can still throw me for a big loop, especially country songs. The other thing I struggle with is how I have changed so much over all of this, how weak I feel I am personally. This drives me crazy because I was never like this. I can't handle lots of things at one time and I just shut down when I get overwhelmed. I am so damn glad I didn't have a job during this, I can't function with any certainty.

I am eagerly awaiting to see how our 1 year Dday goes....and what the next year has in store for us.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she isn't saying she loves you at this stage, may I ask why do you want to R with her? ( I read your profile )

She says she's afraid of feeling like she did prior to A again. She says she's numb at the moment. She does care for me (she says). Yes, her making me feel safe would help very much. I've told her. I can't D and I can't move out. Broke and my business is not doing too good. She on the other hand got a new job with better benefits, good bonus, new cool friends and even gets invited to vacation homes with friends. This has added some stress to me.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

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