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User Topic: how could he do it again?
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Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry you are here and are going through this. Everyone here has said exactly what you need to do...pack him up and send him on his way.

My WS told me he ended it right after D-Day, only a couple of weeks later they accidentally sent an email and reply through to our home account. I called him and told him I was done, then packed up myself and my daughter and went to a hotel for a couple of days. When I finally took his call he pleaded with me to give him another chance. He knew I was serious...and only then did things change for us. He knew I was not going to be his doormat...and I hadn't given him an ultimatum like you did. You need to act. You need to show him you mean business. People who are committed to making their relationship work do NOT meet up with their AP. He needs to get the message that you are better than this...because YOU ARE!!!!!!

Praying for strength for you.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You already set the boundary - the affair must end now. And you let him know the consequences of crossing the boundary - divorce. He gave you and your boundary a big fat F off by not only contacting the OW but also screwing around with her again. You have to enforce the consequences.

Contact a lawyer and file for D. Do the 180. If he gets his shit together at some point in the future, you can always stop the D. But, by then you may not even still want to give him a 3rd chance.

Also, don't worry about MC now. IMHO, MC is pointless since he is still lying and cheating. Are you getting IC? I've been seeing a therapist since D-Day and it has helped tremendously.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
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Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I 100% get what you are feeling, Im there. The what if this is the change. Its probably not. Approach him by showing him the evidence immediately followed by the door. If after he is out he works out his issues, then talk R. Its time he take you seriously.

I played a lot of maybe this is it and then I finally followed through with a mighty roar and he started to behave for several months and even now I've had something happen that has me on high alert.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 39171
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may want to contact her husband.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm stupid for saying all of this

You are not stupid Nicnac. You are just like I was in the first few months following DDay. Scared. I wanted so much to believe that my WH 'got it'. That he loved me and would do everything possible to help us get to a better place.

He crossed my boundaries again and again (mine was to be open and honest and talk about everything without becoming defensive). I kept threatening that if he didn't I would walk (I didn't want to because I was scared of what life would look like with out him). So I made excuses for him which in turn gave me 'permission' to not follow through on my stated consequences.

It took a light bulb moment for me to realise that I would be fine without him. Life would be very different but it wouldn't be over. In fact I knew I would be happy again because my happiness did not depend on him, it depended on me!

Things changed after this revelation. I set the boundaries and spelled out the consequences, just as I had before BUT this time I meant it, and he knew it I guess because his attitude shifted.

Keep working on you. Do the 180 and find your strength. Don't allow yourself to be this mans safety net for too much longer.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think both nekorb AND everyone else are right. You DO need to do everything you can to save your marriage. You need to look back, in the future, and be at peace with the efforts you made.

That said, I don't think you CAN save your marriage without a 180. He knew your boundary and he crossed it. There MUST be a consequence. If there isn't a consequence, honey, your marriage will never be truly saved. It might be extended a few months or years, but it will never be saved.

No one's saying you have to stop loving him. No one's saying you have to be a shrew. No one's saying you have to give up. 180 is designed to give you dignity and control. Both of those--in situations like we're all in--are precious.

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
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Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comments, advice and love!

First, he is in IC, I am not because we can not afford it. He is a veteran and gets it from the VA. I may be able to see the MC independently a few times, but they won't see me because my WH is no longer active duty.

Second, The AP's spouse knows everything. He is the one who contacted me, both the first time and this time. I did find out that I knew a lot more of what happened then he did. I forwarded him everything his WW had sent to me and gave him to login and password (after I changed it) to my WH's email account that they used to contact each other.

Third, he is out. He packed up and left tonight. My parents have been gracious enough to allow him to stay in their guest house. But he didn't leave easily. I've been asking him to leave all day and he kept refusing, telling me that I should be the one leaving because he pays for the house. He had IC today and then met with my step-dad. I don't know what my step-dad said to my WH, but he needs to talk to everyone's WSs because he has flipped 180 on his own! He agreed to leave and on my terms. He decided he has some things he wants to talk to me about but is leaving the when of that up to me. He is a different man tonight than he was this morning.

That being said, I am going to try 180. I don't know how well I will do, I am an extremely selfless person and have a hard time focusing solely on myself, but I am going to do my best for me and for my daughter. I can't stand the idea of her growing up with a doormat of a mother. School starts soon and I'll have a lot on my plate, so hopefully I won't have time to worry about him.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac, I understand what you are going through. I also said that once more and I would be done, but he got so emotional and started saying all the right things, so I agreed on another chance. He continued to talk to her, yet still I am with him, trying to R. I worry that he now feels I will never end it, essentially giving him permission to continue the A.
I think you need to do whatever is right for you; you will know when you reach your breaking point, and I don't think you need to make any decisions until you are sure of what you want and need.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really sucks that IC can be so damn cost prohibitive, Nicnac. You mentioned school starting up. Are you a student? Counseling may be available for free or at a low cost through student services at your uni. Also, look into community mental health services through your county - counseling services are often offered on a sliding scale of cost. Finally, I don't know if you have any religious affiliations, but that can be a great low cost counseling resource. Catholic Charities around here can set one up with a LMHC for $10 a session. Good luck with everything. No matter what, everything will be okay.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
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Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fireflies- yes I am a student, but unfortunately I am at a lowly community college (career change). The uni I attended for my bachelor's def would have had this resource. This college doesn't even give us email accounts...

I would go through community, however I am a nursing student and guess what this semester's clinicals are- community and psych I would probably be seeing some of my classmates and teacher, not something I want to share with them...

I do not have religious affiliations at the moment. My family was catholic, and I was baptized catholic, but I haven't been a church-goer in a very very long time. I am not sure what is available around here. When I searched online for something, nothing came up that was less than $150/session. Maybe I'll find something I didn't know about through my clinical rotation.

I am lucky, though, to have a great support system. My parents, my bff and a very caring friend from school have all been extremely helpful today in making my mind up. I am not ready to give up, yet. We haven't even tried MC. But I can't just let this keep happening. 180 for now, hopefully I can hold out at least until our MC session next tuesday.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad and sad for you at the same time, so I can only imagine the turmoil you are feeling. Please keep posting here when you need to, and try to take care of yourself -- even though you're not used to doing that. These next few days are going to be tough, but I am glad that you have family close (and aware of the situation) to help you out.

I will be thinking about you. Remember that this doesn't have to be permanent. He just needs to realize what he has, and he doesn't yet. Hopefully your stepdad will help him along. May I borrow him??

Try to get some rest. I am so sorry.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also a "gotta try everything" person. My original Dday was 5 years ago and stbx has had 3 OW's since that time (that I know about). I have the responses to my posts sent to my email and I haven't deleted any of them. I read back over them now, today, after doing *everything* and giving him far more chances than he deserved.....and I have ended up exactly where everyone said I would. And the trajectory of my path was exactly as predicted. The predictions are stunningly accurate, actually.

Nic, MC with this guy is going to be a waste of money right now.
He is in IC and he's not even using THAT correctly. I keep reading your words where you say that he's in IC......BUT who cares? What is the impact? He STILL went and met with her for some type of car sex, right? If your WH were truly remorseful and wanted to *right his wrong*, he would have been using his IC to talk him OUT of the urge to contact her and meet up with her. He would have spoken to his IC about being angry at her and wanting to get revenge on her. He would have gone to his IC, NOT his OW, for solutions.

And seriously. Think about what he told you. He met her and engaged in car sex because he was *angry* at her? So what does that mean? How is meeting up with her any type of punishment for her? It isn't. And even if he had *angry car sex*----it doesn't matter. He STILL had car sex with YOUR expense.

****she asks if he'll ever do it again and he says "I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".****
He's keeping her hooked. My stbx used this type of wording....and it is not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

Nor is the fact that when you asked him to leave he threw a tantrum about how HE shouldn't have to leave because he pays for the house. HE just had 'car sex' with his whore 4 days ago....after being told that you would divorce him if he didn't knock his shit off......but HE's all butt-hurt, pissed off, and resentful of YOU for telling him to leave?

Good luck to you in the days to come, Nic.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
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Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Table the MC for now. If you can't draw the BIG line in the sand, at least demonstrate you know the futility of MC with a remorseless WH. Focus on yourself. There's no sense in working on the marriage when there are still three in it.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is extremely clear from his emails that it was purely sex for him,

So what? Really. So what? So, then it's ok? He already knows how this hurts you. How does it being "just sex" make it any better at this point????

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I also feel happy and sad for you at the same time. Good job on throwing his ass out the door. He now sees you mean business.

I feel for you going through this shit while in school. I did the same thing. I am surprised that I got through it.

All of us on here wish you all the best.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
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Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's out for now, however he will try to persuade you to let him back without doing the hard work to fix himself. He has to earn the chance for a R. Don't be too quick to open the door, because if you do he will continue on as he has been.

Now that OW's BS has left you will see if he runs to her or works to save his M. Keep you eyes open, don't believe everything that comes out of his mouth. Actions...can you access his emails, (he could get a secret email to fool you), while he is out, do you know where he is suppose to be?

Judge how hard he is working to get back home or is it all in the future comments with no action to get to that future?

Take care of you, remember it is in your best interest to take your time to decide what you want or need to do. He will be in a rush to speed the end of his exile. It is your time schedule that counts here. Don't be afraid he won't come back, if he doesn't then you know he had already left before you threw him out and you have saved yourself more grief. If he does the work, stays away from the OW, and "gets" that your letting him come home, it is a gift and should be valued. Then you can decide if you want him back.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:42 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand the idea of her growing up with a doormat of a mother.

This speaks volumes.

She won't, because you don't have to be his doormat anymore, you can set an amazing example for your daughter of what it means to be a strong, self respecting person who gets the respect she deserves.


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You made him leave? Oh, Nicnac, I am so proud of you!!! It's only a first step but surely that one act did wonders for your self esteem.

He has to learn humility and realizing he can't control the situation is a big step toward that. The world does not revolve around him. Best of luck to you.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 639 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
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Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You teach people how to treat you... and you deserve so much more than this

And you can be proud of yourself that you have taken a step in the right direction - showing him that you deserve respect.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8113 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
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Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sex? Sex should be with you...he should make it exciting with you...just sayin. Why let him continue cake eating? IMHO if you don't follow through he'll think you'll always turn a blind eye and continue to do what pleases himself. You deserve more then this.

Do a 180 - if you want to fight for this marriage make him realize what his life would be without you.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

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