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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how could he do it again?
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Sad  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to do. I just found out my WH has been talking to his AP again and they met up on sunday for a little fun in the parking lot (how trashy).

I told him when his affair was first discovered that it was his last chance. He wanted to work it out and I thought I had made it clear that if there was even so much as a hidden text message I was divorcing him. I told him that those kinds of actions would be taken as his way of telling me that he wants a divorce.

So, now that I've got 4 days of emails and proof that they met and something happened on sunday night, I'm having a hard time enforcing that threat.

Here's why, and bear with me because I know I'm stupid for saying all of this. I know everything he did was wrong and it is going to take a very long time to recover, but it is extremely clear from his emails that it was purely sex for him, no emotions involved. He did end it for a while, and then wanted one last time. And after he had it, he officially ended it without having been caught. In his emails with the AP, she asks if he'll ever do it again and he says "I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".

I know it is stupid of me to think that these things mean we could work it out. Especially when I already threatened to leave. How do I approach this?

My thought was to ask him to leave for an undetermined amount of time. A separation. But to go to marriage counseling. First dday was just over a month ago, we haven't been able to get in with the MC yet.

Am I giving in too much? Am I completely stupid for not just tossing all of his belongings on the lawn, shutting off his phone and changing the locks?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, don't make it a threat, make it a promise. Even if it is just sex:
1. Why isn't he having it with you?
2. Perhaps he's addicted to sex and needs treatment.
3. You made a line in the sand and he crossed it.

Live up to your threats/promises and he'll understand that this is for real. If you don't, he'll continue to see her and have fun with her. It's simple, change the locks, pack a bag for him, leave it outside the front door and tell him that he can arrange to pick up personal belongings through your attorney - leave the attorney's card on/in the note. If it comes to that, make sure someone else is present when he picks up his stuff and that you ARE NOT home. Communicate with him only through the attorney. If he is serious about MC, than arrange an appointment and have the attorney tell him that this is the date/time/place and that he needs to show up or legal actions will proceed. It's that simple. If he doesn't care, it won't matter and you can proceed with divorce. If it does show up, he is putting his money where is mouth is and is showing he wants to move forward.

You haven't seen an MC yet, and that is a problem. He may not fully realize how painful this is for you. Make it painful for him - not maliciously, but do what you need to do. Have your attorney serve him at his place of work.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I giving in too much? Am I completely stupid for not just tossing all of his belongings on the lawn, shutting off his phone and changing the locks?
________________________
Gently here... YES....
You teach people how to treat you... and you deserve so much more than this
((nicnac))

[This message edited by Dawnie at 10:45 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who cares if its just sex, its clear he's only thinking of himself. He put you through this again for himself.

Who needs a one time last closure sex? Seriously?

He does not think you will enforce your boundary. Ergo, he will continue until you do.

Put his shit in a hefty bag on the front porch. Tell him when he's ready to really work on his marriage, and goes to ic/mc, go no contact completely, maybe you'll think about continuing the marriage.

If you give in, he will use that to his advantage to continue wayward behavior. Sunday will not be the last time.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, when I saw the GYN today for my STD testing he said,

"You have to deal with this on your own terms. In the end, you have to feel like you did everything you wanted to do to save your marriage."

Not one of us here can tell you what your comfort level is or what you "should" do. We can tell you what WE would do, but ultimately, you have to do what feels right to you.

If you want to work on it, work on it!


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1675 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".

He didn't officially end anything. He left his OW in limbo here. He'll go back for more. He has no reason not too.

I told him when his affair was first discovered that it was his last chance.

If you don't enforce this, then you are setting yourself up for even more heartbreak.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13646 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Sweetie, we all know how hard this is. Of course you're encouraged that he wants to be a better person, but wanting and doing are two different things. His words say he wants to be a good husband--his actions say he wants to have sex with other women. Believe his actions.

Many a WH has explained he had the As "because he could". If you look the other way now, you are confirming that he can. Stand up for yourself and say that no, this is not okay. You deserve better. I would ask him to leave the home at least until he begins IC and the two of you begin MC, but this is still early days for you and you're no doubt reeling from the shock. Be kind to yourself, but remember the self-esteem you give away now will probably be what you miss most later.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 58
Married 34 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 622 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac....

If this was me his stuff would already be packed and on the porch. I deal in reality and his actions spoke reality to me.

You obviously love your husband but allowing someone to have such control over you is not healthy. I personally wouldn't be able to trust one thing this guy does.

I agree that every situation is different and that we all have our own paths to navigate but you need to feel like you are being heard and understood. In this case he has done neither and for me that wins him a ticket to the time out chair of life!

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:00 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually is in IC. We start MC next tuesday. We couldn't work it out earlier because of the counselor's and then our family vacations.

He keeps saying he wants to make it work, but I obviously don't believe him. He keeps lying to me.

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I even begin, what kind of pig is happy to lower herself to meeting some married guy in a freakin' parking lot to grope each other in the car? My God, that is truly pitiful.

In either event Nicnac, Looking for a cheap thrill in the parking lot is not a "sex addiction." What your husband was looking for was a cheap thrill - no more and no less. His goal was to scratch an itch he selfishly wanted scratched.

And that's what he did. Even though you told him you'd leave him the next time he betrayed you and your marriage.

Nicnac, his lame attempt at being 'noble' - by telling his parking lot piece that he "has to be a better husband and father, blah blah blah..." - was nothing more than his way of letting her know he didn't want to start up the affair at full throttle again. I think he saw a one-time parking lot grope as a lot easier to get away with than a full blown affair that takes considerably more time and effort to maintain. I think his empty statement about wanting to be a better man was nothing more than self-serving so she wasn't left with any expectations.

But Nicnac, DO take into consideration that he didn't feel that he had to be a "better husband" BEFORE he got off in the parking lot - he only claimed it AFTER he'd been satisfied. It's real easy to be 'noble' after you've selfishly gotten what you wanted.

That is - until he has another itch he wants scratched.

The man has ZERO remorse, ZERO guilt, and ZERO empathy for what he put you through with his affair.

ZERO.

And he proved it by sneaking out to a parking lot to meet his OW for some cheap sex in the car when he knows damned well one more infraction would cause you to leave.

If anything, you should be going to a divorce attorney, not letting his fake words about being a "better man" sway you into thinking he has any decency. He lost that a long time ago.

And the message you'll send if you allow yet another betrayal, will not be a good one. The message he'll get is that you aren't a woman of your word and no matter what lousy treatment he crams down your throat, you're not strong enough to leave him. In essence, your inability to carry out the consequences will simply be a nod of approval to him and he'll just continue doing what he's doing because he has your permission.

That's the message you'll be sending him if you put any stock in his empty claim to his OW that he's done with his nasty behavior. He's only done until the next time and the time after that and the time after that.

Sending you strength Nicnac. Don't let this man steamroll you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

had everything but sex

Riiiiiigghhhht. Uh huh. 'Cause he's sooooo trustworthy.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8788 | Registered: Jan 2008
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't hurt her in any way. He took a chance of loosing his family to "be a better husband and father." Really?

Either he knew you wouldn't go through with the D. Or, he doesn't care if you do. Sex is more important to him than you are.

I understand your denial and emphasize and sympathize. My H came out and told my son that I would never leave him, because I couldn't make it without him. It's tricky cause I don't want to get my son in the middle of this. But. . . He has been good. One slip up and he will see how fast I leave him. I've been pricing apartments for me and my youngest.

I think your husband thinks along the same way.

It is totally your choice, but for your mental fitness, please pack his stuff or yours and leave him. Scare him, let him know you mean business. Do it for you.

((((Nicnac)))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"this isn't who I am, I need to be faithful to my wife."

I don't know how many times my WH told the OW that. Even more, I don't know if he ever really meant it.

Still wondering when I'll know if they are still involved or not. He says no.....my gut is very unsure

I can only take so much before I crumble. Hoping the counselor will help me find the superglue to mend the cracks and make me whole again. I need to work on me right now, then I can decide if it's worth trying to stay together or not. I hoping I'll discover it is worth it.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 11:32 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.

You realize this is complete and utter Bullshit right? Seriously? " I hate you and im pissed, but lets get our freak on!"

Yeah...no.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.

Yup - that's what I always do when I'm angry at someone. I have car sex with them in a parking lot.

Seriously Nicnac, you know this is a lie.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac - you are allowing him to maintain control, as is the Other Woman (OW). He really has the best of both worlds. Think about what you just told us - he is using YOU to get revenge/be passive aggressive with her?! How crazy is this?!

I know you're scared, but you've trained this man to treat you this way. You've gotta cut him off and show him you're serious about moving on without him.

To me the priorities are skewed here. How did the vacation go? I couldn't imagine doing something like that given the situation you are in. I know I sound harsh but you need to realize that this man is going to continue to treat you like garbage until you show him that you are serious about ending it with him.

You will survive. You WILL move on. You will be OK and if you choose, you'll meet someone else and have some fun without this clown. I know you're scared but you can do it. Don't worry about if he's hurt, he isn't worrying about you. Maybe that's what he needs to realize what he is doing.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac, I am really sorry you have to go through all of this crap... again.

I think if you look at the facts of your post (minus the emotion), you will see the smoke and mirrors he is throwing up and trying to call it something else. Like this will Magically make it something different than what it really was, an A. A big, fat, ugly A.

You drew a line in the sand and he stepped across it. More so, he wiped the line away with his foot, drew another line and said this is REALLY what you meant. I agree with the other posters here: he is blowing smoke and has no remorse for his behavior.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. His actions speak volumes.

Nekorb:
"You have to deal with this on your own terms. In the end, you have to feel like you did everything you wanted to do to save your marriage."

You also have to live with everything you did do. Abused spouses can throw this sort of "giving another chance" logic out all day long, and then take another beating.

If you give him another chance, he knows there are no consequences (from you) for his actions. I mean, he did just have two affairs and what has happened to him? Nothing. What is he going to change? Nothing.

I highly suggest taking a hard 180 on this. You need to put some distance between yourself and his selfish actions. I would also see a lawyer and find out your options. I would even go so far as starting the divorce proceeding. It takes about 6 months for the case to even hit the courts (down here in the Southern US of A). If he cleans up his act, you can stop the action and pay the lesser charge. If he does not do everything you think is necessary, you serve him papers.

(((Nicnac)))


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
CM86
♀ New Member
Member # 40331
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the 180. Since I packed my husbands bags and threw them outside, he's changed his whole attitude. However, I still don't think it's enough. Leave, or kick him out. Be "serious" Don't let him see you cringe, cry, shake, yell, any of that. If all else.... he will believe you are serious even if you are not. He never has to know you weren't and wanted to give it another shot. Let him make the effort but from another house. If he is serious, there will be no more secrets, meetings, etc. He will actually make an effort. He's showing he doesn't care right now. Also, he told her that he wanted to be a better husband to cover his ass in case you ever saw the emails. He knew it was a risk he was taking and knew to be careful about it.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Missouri
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NicNac

You have to do what is good for you.

Now at this stage in my life I would pack his bags so quick his head would swim..
You however are in your own stage of life. Do what is best for you.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had this conversation with my fWH this weekend. Since it had come up here a few times. I said; "I hope this goes without saying, but you do realize that the next slip-up, erased text, phone call, whatever, you have made your choice and you will be gone, right?". He said, "It does go without saying, I do understand."

So, if they understand that, and do it anyway, they have made their choice.

I'm so sorry because this is brutal.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 41
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