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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wondering the advantages & disadvantages of full disclosure
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Question  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH answers any direct questions I ask. Sometimes before I ask, if he knows what I'm thinking (not sure how he does that, but he does.)

Anyway, I'm debating whether to ask for full disclosure/timeline or not. Seems like the more I find out the more triggers I have to deal with. I'm wondering if it would be easier to just put it behind me and try to move on.

We both understand he has issues he needs to work on, by himself or with a counselor, for our marriage to improve & last, dare I say forever?

I would like to hear the advantages & disadvantages of getting/not getting full disclosure/timeline.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to have full disclosure. You may not feel the need to have the tiny details of what he did..but you need to know the big things..who? How many? Names? How often? When? Why? Etc,etc.

I would suggest you insist on full disclosue NOW. Right now..while the pain is still very fresh. I know..that sounds like torture. BUT..it will help you down the road,as you try to R. There will be no TT(trickle truth), because you already know all there is to know. TT basically reopens all the wounds,and you have to start healing all over.

Also..how can you move forward..and know what it is you are dealing with..unless you know everything?

Some BS's don't want the sexual details..some do. Whatever you feel is right for you,is right for you. But you need full disclosure.

I don't see any advantages for not getting a timeline or full disclosure. You need to know what your WH has done..you need to know the truth about your marriage.

((((soconfusednow))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7276 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree there are certain things that you have to know so your brain can make some sense of it, and you can heal in a healthy way. If you just try to ignore it, and essentially just move forward there are going to be a lot of unaswered questions that will come up later.
I agree that you don't need to know the details, but more the basics, and a timeline. I wanted to know things like how he felt when he decided to cross the line. Why did he feel the need to continue to have contact with her once he had decided to work on his M?
I guess what I am trying to say is without having some sort of rough idea on how things happened I would always have questions, and then never be sure he was truthful. I didn't need the sexual details, I did need to know if he used protection or not. It would have caused me a whole lot more triggers, and I would have most likely blown things way out of proportion in my imagination without getting the info I did.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the decision to know all the details is an intensely personal one. I know folks who have wanted to know every last minute detail, right down to what kind of toilet paper the OP had in their home. I, personally, didnít care to know all the details. I honestly didnít need to. I knew enough to know the two chuckle-heads were acting like selfish horseís asses and thatís all I needed to know to get the hell out of Dodge. I guess I felt all I had to know was that it WAS happening Ė the hows, wheres, whys, whos werenít important to me.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
silentheart
♀ Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 14 months since DD for me. I didn't get answers to my questions in the beginning from him or her. I called her and only asked a few and then asked her to not contact him any longer. I was mad at myself for not getting more info from her. As for my BF, he was annoyed by my questions and only recently realized that he did not do a good job in helping me to heal. All of the stress and pain of his A of 4 years did a number on me and affected my health recently and I think it scared him. Now that we are taking a seriously stab at R I want answers to all of my questions. I know it might make for more triggers but I'm almost ready to deal with that then the constant questions I have in my head. Sometimes we make it harder for ourselves by answering our own questions. I just found this site 1 week ago and so wish I would have found it within days of DD. I know it will be painful but you definitely want full disclosure. I believe it is necessary for healing.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The truth hurts--but not as much as the wall that secrets erects between partners.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8511 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...so glad you posted this. I've been wondering the same thing!!!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Suspicious  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wish I knew. I wish I'd been told the truth.
Looking back over the years and wondering how much of the relationship you THOUGHT you were in is a lie, sucks arse.

I agree that I do not ever want to know very intimate details but a true timeline and the acknowledgement of the lies told to me would still help me today. Knowledge is power, otherwise you live with the feeling that everyone else knows more than you do. Like an 'in' joke that you were never 'in' on.
Clean slate, open book, full disclosure all sound like safer places to R from than secretville.
(((soconfusednow)))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seek the level of disclosure that you want, and need, now.

That doesn't mean that it is over, that further disclosure may not be necessary or wanted later, just that it is what you want in the here and now.

Your WS needs to commit to giving you that disclosure, to the degree that you request it, when you request it. Understanding fully that your requests may change over time.

What they can do now is work on the timeline and details and fill that in, for themselves, and make sure they put the most excruciating details down in case they are asked for in the future. Keep this locked up, you don't want visitors or kids finding it.

The truth hurts--but not as much as the wall that secrets erects between partners.

No truer statement can be said.

The most important thing is that secrets die. You may not want to know what he did in a particular place or time, but he needs to be knowledgeable about and willing to let you know the unvarnished truth about what took place in the place and time if and when you ask for that, not keeping a secret about it, building that wall that impairs intimacy.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to sit down with a list and write the questions you need to ask with the answers you need answered.
Schedule a talk. An honest open talk.
Really think through these questions. Demand the answers you HAVE to have.
If you do not want the sordid details - make sure you don't ask.
I never wanted the details persay. I wanted to know specifics, and how he felt.
Sometimes I think I maybe not asked enough - but I think I'm better off not knowing some stuff.
It's a never ending battle with the mind. Knowing too much or not enough is what I struggle with these days.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lucyy
New Member
Member # 40982
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted details. I wanted to know what I wasn't doing.

But on the flip side, I didn't want to give details, I didn't want to hurt him.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Oct 2013
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All along I knew he wasn't telling me everything. My gut was screaming at me. I kept telling him there was more to his story than he was telling me. 30 days ago I had a meltdown before I left for work & told him I can't move forward because there's a roadblock - HIM! That day he sat down & wrote it all out. When I got home we went over each item he wrote out. There wasn't any new shocking info just details he glazed over to "protect" me. I called BS on that crap & told him he was protecting HIMSELF because he was afraid I'd kick his sorry ass out. Everyone is different but that night I found out the details he had been hiding I felt a weight lifted off me & felt I could truly move forward. Now if OW would go away I could have a little peace in my life.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got a full timeline. But even if he would have given me one I would still never know if it was the truth anyway.

We separated shortly after dday for 18 months. When we decided to R I asked if I knew everything, he assured me that I did. I DID NOT.

I never wanted details. I wanted WHO & WHEN.

I am still not sure I know who and when. I was lied to so many times that I will never believe him even if he is telling the truth.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was important to me that my WW created a full timeline. It was not at all important to me that I read that timeline.

For me, the big blow was that it happened at all, not "how many times they had sex" or "where", or any of those other things. Those are the minor bads, under the big hurt of the affair.

That, and my WW only had so many free times during the month (ish) of the affair, I can pretty much figure out when and where if I put in 5 minutes' work.

It was important to me, though, that she write it down. The simple act of doing that, at least for her, helps prevent any rugsweeping, any dimnishing of what was done.

I don't want to punish her (well, not really), I just want her able to be honest with herself and with me.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Advantages: You are rebuilding trust - every truth you are given is the removal of a lie you did not know was there. Just because you didn't know something was happening, doesn't mean it wasn't affecting you. It devastated me to hear many things, but I took great comfort in knowing that my H was willing to give that to me. It felt like he was 'betraying' her, and that made me feel better somehow. The greatest pain of the A was the deception and the lies - the only way for me to get past that was for him to begin to give me the truth. I had a right to know who I was married to, and to make an informed decision about staying to work through it. I'm so glad I did stay - for me, it has been worth it because of the truthfulness we finally have.

It also helped for me to 'confess' some things to him as well. I confessed that I had creeped old boyfriends on facebook. I confessed that I had thought about having an affair with our daughter's soccer coach. We confessed all manner of things to each other, until we actually felt like we were known by the other person. To be KNOWN and loved? Amazing.

There's pretty much nothing that anyone can tell me about my H that I don't already know. There are no 'bombs' to be dropped on me by the OW. I know my H. That is a big advantage, and one that, for me, far, far outweighs any disadvantages.

Disadvantages: Once you know it, you can't un-know it. It might actually be more than you can handle, and you will wish you had stayed blissfully ignorant. (Except, I was never 'blissfully' ignorant; just ignorant and confused and frustrated and always wondering what I was doing wrong. Unless you married a sociopath, their lies will have affected their relationship with you, whether you knew it or not).

I wish I had never asked if they had 'a song'. It stabs every time I hear it on the radio, over the intercom in the grocery store, wherever. I wish I didn't have mind-movies to cope with. I'm hoping they go away with time. I was staggered at the depth of his cruelty to me, his absolute disrespect and disregard for my life and our life together - it went so over-the-top that I think it repulsed him when he began to confess it. It helped with his repentance, which helped with my healing. Advantage/disadvantage? Depends on what you need to heal, ultimately - with or without him. But if you're choosing 'with', I think you really do need to have full disclosure.

I got a prescription for AD's immediately upon finding out, so that has helped me to pace my grieving.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what i understand the disclosure is a therapeutic value to both of you. Supposedly it's when the healing really begins.

My SAWH is just starting to work on his disclosure so we will see what happens with that. His CSAT has told me he may not be at the point of being empathetic enough to know the effects it has had on our relationship over the course of our marriage, so it may take awhile to write his disclosure. I have a hunch that there is much more.

What helped me deal with some of the anger was that at the suggestion of our MC, I created my own timeline of the A and described how I was feeling. Lonely, distant from him, like a roommate and head nanny/housekeeper. We were leading very separate lives. Anyway, I am ready to share this with him soon. It's my hope that it will start to show him the trail of devastation.

As for me, I want a timeline of what happened/when and I want to know about trips they took and plans to be together (my H is a horrible planner so I am pretty sure it was her doing all of the planning). I don't want to know about sex details. I'd like to know about strip clubs/porn usage because I think it is important to show him that this, too, hurts our relationship.

Advantages: you know what you need to heal from. You hit a true bottom and can only go up from there.

Disadvantages: it may be far worse than you originally thought. He may not reveal everything and if you find out something in the future it will make you mad that he did not disclose it.



BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an extremely good imagination and I was worrying all those details out the wazoo...I'd sit and ponder things all night and not sleep. Once I finally had everything down to the nails, I've finally started to not have it occupy every thought.

How did I know I had it all? My gut stopped screaming. Until then we had to go through probably 12 more minor reveals and 2 major.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lived in a bed of TT for roughly 15 months. After the last disclosure I knew there was more as things never added up. I couldn't live the way he wanted me to (holding up the rug for him to sweep everything under).

Yes, the major points of fact are the most important to have in order to move forward in any direction. The details are questionable if they need to be known on an individual basis.


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my own personal experience:

4+ years of TT sucks big time. You are never given the opportunity to begin to work through it and heal.

I begged from the beginning to "lay it all out on the table". I knew it would hurt, but I just didn't want any more secrets or surprises.

SAWH liked his secrets and so I am a "poster child for hearing TT" and it kills me.

You have to know for yourself, but if it was me, I would want full disclosure.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me there is no other option other than full disclosure at this time. It's the only way I can move forward and figure out what to do for myself. I know it Will cause more triggers for me however it will always also help me work through this figure out what's in my head and figure out what to do to move forward. I'm sure it would only cause more pain and heartbreak for some people, however not knowing for me is 1000 times worse.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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