I am so thankful for your service and sacrifice!
I wish I could say something that would go BAM! Right to your heart, and give you a revelation, an epiphany.
Like an arrow to the heart, what I say may be painful, but it's meant for you to see - really *see* what is happening.
Read your posts again. Pick out the dozen or so times you've written things along the lines of
ive always put her first in my mind when contemplating make a decision on anything. she is first in my heart and mind.
Heck, your story begins with
i am a loving husband of my wife
i dont want to lose her.
i love her more than life itself and i dont want to lose her.
i love her too much to lose her.
Those few are just from your first post!
This is the 'hard to hear' part. I'm sorry in advance if it hurts, again, not my intention.
You need to love yourself.
Your identity, your sense of worth
is based on things outside of you.
Your ability to fix the broken M, to deal with the immense complications of an OC, to hang on the crumbs of your wife's regret - & convince yourself they taste like remorse,
those things define your worth.
Those things are not self love.
When you truly grasp this, and love yourself, you will DETACH from the need for external validation.
A tagline on here says;
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
That is what happens when you finally turn inward to love and respecting yourself and you realize
you do not deserve this!
Why haven't I been loving myself?
Almost all of your posts shout this to me.
They are all about things external to you - where you find your identity,