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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She cheated and now shes pregnant...what am i going to do
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TryingToBeBrave)))

I am so thankful for your service and sacrifice!

I wish I could say something that would go BAM! Right to your heart, and give you a revelation, an epiphany.

Like an arrow to the heart, what I say may be painful, but it's meant for you to see - really *see* what is happening.

Read your posts again. Pick out the dozen or so times you've written things along the lines of

ive always put her first in my mind when contemplating make a decision on anything. she is first in my heart and mind.

Heck, your story begins with

i am a loving husband of my wife

more

i dont want to lose her.

and
i love her more than life itself and i dont want to lose her.

and
i love her too much to lose her.

Those few are just from your first post!

This is the 'hard to hear' part. I'm sorry in advance if it hurts, again, not my intention.

You need to love yourself.
FIRST.
Your identity, your sense of worth
is based on things outside of you.

Your ability to fix the broken M, to deal with the immense complications of an OC, to hang on the crumbs of your wife's regret - & convince yourself they taste like remorse,
those things define your worth.

Not you.

Those things are not self love.
When you truly grasp this, and love yourself, you will DETACH from the need for external validation.

A tagline on here says;
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

That is what happens when you finally turn inward to love and respecting yourself and you realize
you do not deserve this!
Why haven't I been loving myself?

Almost all of your posts shout this to me.
They are all about things external to you - where you find your identity,
very little
about you.

Esteem yourself.
Respect yourself.

It's time.


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There‘s a reason I asked about your biggest fear.

You say your biggest fear is losing her. For the sake of argument then let’s replace that fear. Let’s say you claim your greatest fear was water. The thought of water makes you shiver and shake. Now – I guess you would still use water to clean up, cook and drink. But you would avoid entering water deeper than you are comfortable with. If you really evaluated your fear then you would realize that it isn’t a fear of water – it’s a fear of drowning. And if you were forced to confront that fear you would probably deal with it; learn to swim, get a flotation device or move to the mountains.

If however you allow yourself to be controlled by your fear… That’s a lifetime of towel-baths, dehydration and living detached from reality.

It’s the same with your fear of losing your wife. If that is truly your fear – if losing your wife is the absolute worst outcome you can see… Well… I challenge you to reevaluate your fear: I guess your biggest fear is abandonment, feeling less of a person, feeling like a loser, feeling that you failed and therefore she cheated… The losing your wife part is more like a display or consequence of your fear.

If the absolute 100% worst thing that could happen – if the ABSOLUTE worst outcome one year from today was that you weren’t married… Well then don’t do ANYTHING to risk this “marriage”. Heck – you wouldn’t be the first husband or wife that lives with a spouse that has affairs that everyone pretends not to notice. Allow her to cope with her issues the way she has to-date; by seeking outside validation. After all any attempt by you to limit that is a threat to the “marriage”.

Have a feeling that won’t sound good to you.

So really evaluate the worst possible outcome. Evaluate your biggest fear.

Have a feeling that when you do so you will realize that losing her isn’t the worst outcome. The worst outcome would be in the same situation one year from today. The worst outcome would be living a marriage that doesn’t fit in with your concept of “marriage”.

To me this is a major point. Once you realize what it is you fear you have a chance of overcoming it. If I’m right then you will be empowered to draw your line in the sand and say “Honey. This is what I need. This is what we need. This is what I’m willing to do and this is what I need you to do. If this isn’t possible then ending this marriage is the lesser of two evils”.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I am not saying leave this marriage (although I truly think that’s the logical and “easy” way to go). Irrespective of whether you stay or leave you have to deal with the issues and what’s causing them. But I am warning you that once your WW realizes that you are not willing to walk away from this deal – no matter what – then your goose is cooked. You probably will remain married but it won’t be the marriage you want.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Sep 2005
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying

You are getting great advice here.

And I am glad you are going to speak to an attorney. That is wise.

After you get home you are going to realize your wife needs serious counseling.

The marriage cannot be worked on until she gets her heads on straight.

Infidelity
Drinking
Unprotected Sex
Other Man
Pregnancy (not your child)

You see these signs. Your wife is only 21 and made very poor decisions.

And I admire your resolve and love for your wife & marriage.

But those qualities will not fix your wife or her issues.

They will not fix the issues in your marriage only hard work from both of you will do that.

And your career most likely means you will eb away from her for extended periods of time.

So take your time. Get good legal advice.

And ensure no matter what your decision is that your wife gets her life together with or without you.

Keep posting and stay safe.

HM64


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married only for 15 months and your wife got pregnant by some other guy and you are busy trying to find excuses for her (Drinks, rape, seperation issue, foo). Dont you think its too much?

Stop finding excuses for her adultery, it was her choice to have sex with OM unprotected and there is nothing you could have done to stop it.

Just be rational in your thinking, Why she confessed to you now? She got pregnant and she cant hide it any more so she confessed. Why she feel so love with you now? when she was even thinking of living you before? She knows OM is married and he is not going to leave his children and wife, This is the real reason for her epiphany and why she feel soooo love with you now.

I think she is still lying to you about the length and frequency of their Affair and sex.

She is in damage control to protect herself and her child.
so she is love bombing you now.You are going to learn more about her Affair as time goes by.

Did she stoped her A when you confronted her first? No she continued it on your back. What happened her love for you then?. She planed it and excuted it. So there is nothing to blame you.

You are young, young men can become naive and act live saviors. you cant save her, she is broken she has to fix herself. Its easy to say I will raise the child but as time goes on and the child is going to remind you of her adultery every day it will do a lot of harm for your self.

She showed you her true colors, she will do the same when you get deployed next time (seperation issue as you says)Once a cheater cheater for ever but some can change with hard work but do you want to bet your life on it?

Use this month to detach and see the things for what it is. see a lawyer and know your options.

She is aganist abortions but dont have a problem in sleeping around and getting knocked up by some one else.REALLY?

For a R (?) an abortion and STD check ups and pre nup should be a must. She continue with this pregancy means you are going to have OM in your life for rest of your life. He wont show up now but will come up later. Marriage is between two there is no room for a third person.

Dont allow your love for her blindside you,Take your own time to decide what you want. there is a lot of life ahead of you. choose it wisely else you will suffer for ever.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTBB

I wish you best in your healing. And I know, if you are still reading, you are sick of people giving you a counter-view to your drive to reconcile with your WW.

However, I would be remiss if I did not point out that you are feeling massive rejection. And one of the basic reactions to rejection is to latch on to the source of the rejection in an attempt to "reclaim" what is (was) ours.

That primal drive is not a rational or helpful instinct.

I am sorry you are in this situation that is not your fault. Please please think of you as you move forward.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking to see how your doing now that your back.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
2long
♂ New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sad si2ation. Trying, how are things going?

I've known a half dozen or so BHs who've recovered their marriages after an affair that produced an OC. In only one of these cases did the BH take the WW back, knowing about the pregnancy and before the baby was born. I'm sure others might have more experience than me, though.

Several years ago, there was an unusual case on loveshack where the BH had been injured saving his wife from part of a building facade falling while they were on vacation. He spent many months in a coma, and she was told he wasn't expected 2 recover.

She had an affair and got pregnant. The baby was born a couple months after he woke up from the coma. She wanted 2 stay with him but he divorced her. But he also urged her 2 reconnect with the OM and try 2 make a life with him - after all, she had his child and not the BH's. I don't think she went 2 the OM in the end. But they did divorce.

I don't think you have the whole story from your wife, and don't know that you'll ever get it. It certainly wasn't rape or she wouldn't have gone back for more - she would have filed charges.

I'm rambling, should get on my way home from work. But wanted 2 suggest this other option - send her packing, maybe wish her well, and thank your lucky stars that you found out about the affair while you're still young and can start fresh with a little wisdom under your belt.

I was in my late 40s when I found out about my wife's 11-year VLTA. That was 12 years ago, and I still believe that I would have wanted 2 start over if I'd found out when the affair first started. We're doing fine now, but that would have been impossible if there were and OC.

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to be brave

How are you?

Let us know you got home safe?

HM


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i believe that everyone deserves a second chance. a mistake the first time is just that...the second time it becomes a habit and no longer just a mistake.

Gently...she made the SAME "mistake" 4 times.

As some of the others said, I agree that you're making all kinds of excuses for her unacceptable behavior. She's a 21 year old girl and you're not much older.

If you honestly think you can do this for the next 20+ years - raise another man's child because your wife chose to continually make 'mistakes' - then you're a better person than I.

Lastly, bless you for your service to our country.

You deserve SO much better.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 69
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