you can't keep living your life 'waiting' for him to do something before you do something. If you want change, and he is not making a move, then you are going to have to make the move
I agree with this, too, ppga. But I feel that I have been doing a lot of somethings for many years. I feel like I have been making ALL the moves. I know I have nothing to lose - except self respect, maybe. But at some point - he has to kick in with effort, doesn't he?
No matter how awesome I am, no matte how much I do, I can't do enough for us both -
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:20 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
It IS self-defeating behavior. I cannot deny that - although I don't understand it.
My only explanation is that I have been betrayed so very much - first by the infidelity and then by the lack of effort to help heal our marriage after it. Then, I have lost so much self respect from staying and continuing to want him for so long, and continuing to search for answers - all the lonliness and feeling that I am unlovable - at least by him.
I am afraid that if there is much more of this feeling of lonliness and fear, it might cripple me (emotionally) permanently.
It is fear. Fear to see apathy in his eyes. Fear to be touched and then disappointed again. Fear that the amazing life we had is gone.
Fear of nothingness.
I am afraid of everything. But just at some times. Other times I get angry - OK, I know that is actually still fear. Sometimes I am strong and the backbone of the family.
But, this weekend, with this unexpected visitor, I was taken back at how much my strength and clear thinking went out the window and was replaced by panic - even though the situation didn't pose any real threat.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:28 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
It IS self-defeating behavior. I cannot deny that - although I don't understand it.
I have the 'infidelity PTSD'.
I will take a 5 mg valium of his for one reason or another - maybe once a month.
[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:26 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
I do want to clarify that I have not been diagnosed with PTSD from infidelity or anything else. I thought I put that in quotes. I was just using those words to quantify the level of my devastation if have felt and continue to feel.
I meant no disrespect to those with an actual PTSD diagnosis. Sorry!
That was my life. I will always be prone to anxiety but once I was taught strategies for handling it, my life changed forever.
People get anxiety when they've been really, really strong, yet it feels to them like a sign of weakness. It sounds as if, unlike mine, your H is still invested in your marriage, so you have ground to work on, as I didn't (he was never sincere about R).
Yet worrying about recovering your relationship is, I gently suggest, the second thing to think about. They first is YOU, getting to a state where you feel comfortable in your head and in your life, and not threatened by ordinary situations.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
You are not harsh. I come here to bounce stuff off of you all, and I feel any time you give me is kindness.
I know I need some reality checks, and I apreciate them.
Last night, my husband comes home and is cutting up a little, and gives me a couple of silly compliments. I was filling bowls with salad, and I asked, "Do you mind if I use my hands?" (Couldn't find the tongs) He said, "No, I love your hands." The kids said, "Oh gag" and stuff like that - kidding around. But it was the first nice thing he had said to me in a while.
AND - normally I would say, "Yeah, right" or something else to brush off the comment. Last night I said, "Oh, that's nice to heae" or something to that effect. It was a nice moment.
I do agree that we are both still vested in the marriage - just extremely poorly equipped to deal with the situation we are in.
I am sorry your husband does not seem vested at this time.
I am working on myself, when I am not having days like this past weekend. AND - I have had my "water bowl" moments - trust me - I think we all have!
I will be thinking of you today - thanks for your input!
normally I would say, "Yeah, right" or something else to brush off the comment. Last night I said, "Oh, that's nice to heae" or something to that effect. It was a nice moment.
When the situation presented itself, I think I acted reasonable
Whatsright, I don't think you were all that reasonable at all.
First off, you repeatedly complain that your H does practically nothing to help you over his A. and yet when he proactively approached you about this situation you came up with all kinds of "tests" for him to pass in dealing with it. I mean, you really needed him to make eye contact with you throughout what was essentially a business transaction with this woman, who by the way, wasn't even the AP? And then you got pissy when you thought he didn't do it right, even though you admit the plan was faulty?
I think you need to give the man a little slack. He does nothing all these years and when he finally does do something you find fault with it. Why are you looking for drama where none exists? You say you do all the heavy lifting, but it seems to me you are not acknowledging when he has met you half way.
Get some IC and your own valium prescription. Once a month is not occasional.
Thanks for your response, although I have to respectfully disagree.
I know I am not perfect, but I am not quite ready to put aside the 7+ years of pain and withdrawal with one ssituation in which he acted proactively.
I have thanked him - that morning, and actually every day since that morning, for letting me know she called and for including me on the method of handling it.
I did not consider my requests of him to be 'tests'. He is the one who asked me what we could do to get through it better. That was just what came to my mind. Because he has NEVER ONCE before been proactive and considered my feelings like that before, I just came up with the first thing that I thought of. After I made the suggestion, I asked if he thought that made sense and if we could do that for each other, and he said yes.
You may be right about the IC, but I also beg to differ with you about valium. After what I (and all of us) have been through - one or two valium a MONTH is practically MIRACULOUS!
Of course that's just my humble opinion.
As I said earlier, after our follow up conversation Monday morning, the cloud of tension has gone away, and things have eased up.
Again, thanks for taking the time to respond.
Be close to each other. When people are around, just be close to each other. This was a business situation, and simply sitting next to each other, knees accidentally touching on occasion, etc, presents the message that the two of you are together.
My husband and I visit outside with the neighbors a lot. I'm not so fond of the wife, I think she is a bit flirty, so my husband always makes sure he stands/sits by me when we are together. It is such a simple gesture but presents us as a couple. It isn't "in your face" but it makes a statement.
My husband and I did MC from the very start. I had one session with the counselor to lay out the situation, and then we went straight to MC. it was very successful, so don't hesitate to go to MC first if that is what you think might work. What works for you is what works for you.
Last thing, I understand your pain. It hurts more than imaginable. One day, about 5 years out from dday, I made a conscious decision to smile at my husband, make eye contact and touch him. It took him about a month to notice but it became a huge changing point in our relationship.
SOOOO happy to know that you are doing so well - AND in love!!!
You GO GIRL!!!
Thanks for those words. PPGA has also told me about making those efforts to support and affirm HIM the way I want him to do so to ME.
I know it sounds pissy, but until the last week - I couldn't stomach doing it. He has been so withdrawn and 'thrown me away' so much for so long that I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Him coming to me to tell me she called was the first time he has EVER done anything proactive like that. (It was such a shock, it made me wonder if he was messing with her because he NEVER lets me in on his life.)
So, in response, I have been able to make slight changes in my actions, to which he has made more.
We are involved in a marriage enrichment program at our church. We are supposed to read a chapter each week in a book. I asked last week if we were going to read it, and he said yes. But, then didn't. So I read it myself.
Since this situation about the lady coming to our house, and things getting a bit less tense (or vacant)between us.....this morning he said to me - early - "Are you awake? Do you want to read that chapter?"
I spent the next 30 minutes reading out loud - trying to hold back the tears - just because he made the effort.
For the first time in a long time, I am guardedly hopeful. And, as a result, the things you talked about will come more easy for me - and maybe transfer to him.
Thanks to all of you who have bothered to read this, and contribute.
Who knows - some day I might actually be able to post in RECONCILLIATION!!! (sp?)
You should read "the Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Fascinating read.
this morning he said to me - early - "Are you awake? Do you want to read that chapter?"
This has made my day. It really has. I am so soooooo happy for you AND your H!!!!! Keep it up. Things will not go perfectly. Don't expect them to, but keep it up anyway.
YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.
Thanks for the book suggestion - I'll try to get a hold of it.
By the way...Do you like your mother? I couldn't tell if my reminding you of her was a good thing, or maybe not?
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I feel the exact same way - it IS miraculous! You made me cry - but in the good way!
Shoot, had to edit out a couple of the dancing smileys. They looked sort of inappropriate for this post. Sorry if anyone saw them before I could edit them out.
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 10:10 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]