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User Topic: Trying not to fail the 180, I am livid
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Angry  Posted: 6:07 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is usually only home Friday and Saturday, leaving around 5:30 am for work Sunday morning. This weekend, the first weekend after Dday, he came home Saturday and is not scheduled to leave until 5 pm, this evening. I woke up around 5 am which is unusual and after lying in bed until 6 am without falling asleep, I came downstairs. WH is not here. I have no idea here he is! I SO badly want to call him and cuss him and just go off on him. I know it will resolve nothing, so I am writing this.

It is one thing to know he is talking to her all week long, but now my mind is racing. Is he with her? Are the fcking?! Is he across the street in the Kroger parking lot talking to her, since that seems to be what he does to get his nighttime call in while he's at home. I am so pissed off.

I keep reminding myself that it's not smart to make a big decision so quickly. But I just want to file for divorce and get it over with. I love him, I care about him, but I don't see how anyone can go through this roller coaster for 6 months. He is obviously very much into this A, whether its EA or PA, I am not 100% sure! I have no clue when or if he will come out of the fog. I know at the moment he wants his cake and eat it to, as he seem to be perfectly content in continuing to support our daughter, and myself as a stay at home mom. At this point, he is getting nothing from me. I have showed him no emotions in the last week, I have not mentioned the A at all, and the 6 days he was at work, we talked all of 10 minutes, anytime he tried to talk about anything other then our daughter I immediately got off of the phone.

I have never felt such a rage of anger, wanting to hit and punch someone. It is beyond me. I will continue to show self control, but boy oh boy, I am not so sure how well of a day today is going to be. Here's to strength in getting through this day, with a successful 180 in tact.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH took a full 6 weeks before ending all contact with the OW. He still saw her a few days after I confronted him...he was in denial of the whole thing. Then about 10 days later, after I smelled perfume on his car seatbelt, I did more digging and found jewelry receipts in his glove compartment and confronted him, at which time he finally confessed (the bare minimum...more has since come out). He said she told him they should "take a break." They were in contact via text ("once in a blue moon," in his words) over the next 4 weeks. Then finally, he got together with her and broke it off for good. What a gentleman.

My point is, if your gut is telling you something is still going on, it probably is. Mine was in the first weeks. But eventually, the fog will lift and if he wants to R, he will cut off contact.

Keep up the good work on the 180. I know this is not easy. But one way or another, you will figure this out. I have to remind myself of this daily and I am 5 1/2 months out from DD.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he unremorseful and still actively involved in his A?

Is this his second A since you've been married?

You love him, or you you thought he was?

My xWW was unremorseful and conflicted about whether she wanted her AP or me. I didn't need 6 months to figure that bullshit out. We were divorced within six months.

Filing for divorce can be one way to see if an unremorseful spouse who,is still having their A, will come out of the fog. You can always stop the divorce process, if circumstances warrant it.

I know it's hard, particularly with a small child in the equation. I, too, have small children, so I know. My son was 2 yo and my daughter was 5 yo, when my xWW started fucking her boss. She now sees the kids three weekends a month and the rest of the time they are with me, thank God.

The 180 is for you. It is to help you detach and get stronger. Don't torture yourself with it. It's not a defense against pain for a spouse who is still cheating.

Do you have all of the groundwork handled, in case you do get divorced? Finances ready, excellent attorney selected, custody arrangements figured out for yourself, which you would be able to live with?
It might be time to start this, if you haven't already?

I wish I had more for you. It just sucks. I know you're angry and upset. Taking back some control can help. Something like, having him take a lie detector test to understand what he has and hasn't been doing.

Best to you.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I failed! I sent a text. He pulled in the driveway about 20 minutes later. Says he never saw the text, that he was getting groceries. For 2 hours?! WTF ever! He actually talked a bit more then any other time. He stills remains "she is just a friend", that he has lots of friends, and do I feel like he is cheating on me with all of his friends. I told him that when she took my place, and became his first call every morning and last call every night, and he felt the need to hide her, and his phone, is when the problem came along.

He went on to say that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, that there is nothing wrong with me, I am a beautiful, smart, great person, and a wonderful mom, but he is broken. Well no shit! I asked him why he didn't feel the need to fix himself if he knew he was broken. He said he just wants everyone to be happy, and that he didn't know how to make both of us happy. That him being in a relationship with me would make me happy, but then he is not happy. And that not being in a relationship makes him happy, but not me.

I told him how he made me feel. I also told him that I wouldn't be waiting around for him like last time. I told him that I loved him, and probably always would, but he had until January. If he hadn't changed his mind by then, that we needed to file for divorce, and that it needed to be finalized as soon as possible.

He averages being home 36 hours a week, and it is so hard to see him for one minute. I told him, I want to punch him in his face, and at the same time I want him to hold me and tell me that it's going to be "okay". No matter what my thoughts or feelings are, they seem so incredibly wrong.

I know he is obviously in denial about the a, and yet he seemed so sincere, which is kind of scary. I feel better on one hand, it was nice to hear him say its not me, that something is wrong with him. And yet, I feel a little less hopeful, and perhaps he is telling the truth, perhaps he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. Or perhaps he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear and still in the fog.

Either way, my ultimate goal in life is to be happy. 5 pm can not come fast enough today, I have never wanted him to leave so badly.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He stills remains "she is just a friend", that he has lots of friends, and do I feel like he is cheating on me with all of his friends.

relationship with anyone, that there is nothing wrong with me, I am a beautiful, smart, great person, and a wonderful mom, but he is broken.

I heard both of these things all the time. Until on our anniversary about a year after I thought it had stopped. Then he confessed he was thinking about leaving me for her. He had even decided about when.

I don't give much thought to a fog. I think that people who have As are being selfish and they know it. The "fog" lifts when they realized they can't have everything and that life doesn't work that way.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Hugs to you mixeddintherut


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I messed the previous post up somehow. Sorry


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you giving him until January? He told you already that he isn't happy being in a relationship with you. Your husband doesn't want you any more so give him the divorce he wants so he can be happy.

The one thing I learned from this site is the quicker you reject them, the quicker they come back. And if they don't come back, then it was never meant to be. Don't be in limbo until January. File for divorce, get child support to garnish his wages, and let him see what life will be like without you.

His decisions have consequences. Waiting until January won't wake him up out the fog now.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:56 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi "mixed". Wow you post is a huge trigger for me so I just had to post a reply.

My situation is very similar...minus any children. My WH had/has a friend that he met via another friend that lived in the same building. He met her in May, I accidentally discovered in late July. I confronted he stated just a friend he was talking to about our marital issues ( I didn't know we had any). He kept lying and sneaking around to talk to her I told him this is an EA and it has to stop now. He gives me the whole she is just a friend I only love you...you just don't want me to have friends. Her texts were really trashy, I still don't know if A became P, but like you I had the awful pictures in my head when I didn't know where he was. I tried everything to get him to cut contact, initially he was remorseful and was well behaved enough that I believed he was NC and wanted me. Turns out he was deep in the fog and cake eating.

Long story short...2 weeks ago we had what I am calling " the come to Jesus" conversation. I sat him down and very calmly laid out my limits and boundaries and told him what he would have to do if he wanted to keep our marriage intact. He of course tried to argue and justify, I just calmly told him that this was my turn to talk and that his actions in the future would speak louder than his words.

The following morning I moved into our spare room and went 180 hard. I hired a personal trainer for myself and started a diet. I have been his willing slave aka wife for 25 yrs and have done everything for him. If he wants to act like he is single he can see what it is like to live like he is. I no longer cook meals with him in mind, I make what is good for my weight loss and if he wants to eat so be it, if not he knows how to cook. The asshat has no clean laundry and still hasn't figured out that I am not doing it. I am doing 180 for me and only me...my sanity and my health. He suddenly woke up and realized how badly he as fu**ed up, he booked an IC session, called the "friend" in front of me and declared NC. I told him his future actions will show if he is sincere or not, and stayed 180
( although we have started to talk a bit more and I am allowing him to grovel and date me lol).

I encourage you to seek IC to talk through your feelings. Lay out your limits and boundaries of what you expect from your marriage, then try and stick hard to 180. It is hard when in the same house, but it is doable. I find if I am having a weak moment I post a " help" post here on SI and the wait for a reply stops me from caving. I love the 180...It has made me realize that I am worth so much more than his bullshit. I don't want to loose a 25 yr marriage but if he doesn't want me then that is his problem and I know that I am a great person and wife that someone else would want me! His friends even tell him this.

I found a great pair of bitch boots, laced em up tight and ain't taken em off until I am damn good and ready!
Balls in his court now. Heart broken but at peace with myself!💔

Edited for typos..damn you autocorrect! Ps sorry for the length of my reply.

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 1:10 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it is hard, but what MovingForward said is extremely true.

I heard the same nonsense when he was still active in his affair.

Don't fall for the same bull I did. In retrospect, if I would have taken the advise MovingForward is giving, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and personal disappointment.


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 9

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