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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did you tell?
♀ New Member
Member # 40414
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the second fight or thereabouts, I did post on facebook about it. For 2 reasons. Most of my coworkers knew because there were several times I had to call in to work due to fighting/not wanting to leave the kids with him angry. But I was tired of his sickly sweet messages for the world to see showing what a wonderful guy he was, when in reality he was ruining our family. And I wanted his family to know, as they live farther away. But hey, his mom's reaction to his cheating was that there are probably things I do he doesn't like and mentioned laundry and such! What a joke.

Basically like someone else said, I wanted to have it out there so that I would really have to look at whether to stay or not and why. And while I am not influenced completely by others, I do want to hear from those that have been there done that, and their outcomes.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you get your WS to tell his/her parents/family? I want so much for his family to know

WH is pretty close with his parents and told them on his own. The day after D-Day I told him he needed to call out of work and take care of our 2-year-old DS because I was a total emotional disaster. He wanted to talk about everything with me so he called his parents and told them he did something really bad and needed them to take DS for a few days. When he brought DS to their house, he told them everything.

I never thought I'd be one to stay with a cheater. If someone else were in my place I'd tell them to get the hell out...

I'm pretty sure we all think infidelity is an absolute deal breaker until it actually happens to us. I mean, who plans on staying with a cheater? But then it happens and you find it isn't so black and white. Walking in someone else's shoes and all that jazz.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I initially told only one friend, and WH told no one. After Dday 2, I asked him to tell some people; he told his mother, brother, and best friend. After Dday 3, we told my parents, and his closest work friend (OW was a coworker - I wanted someone else at his work to know about it).

Not telling my parents right away was hard. I am glad they know now. My mother in law has never mentioned it to me, and almost makes me feel like I am the one who screwed up - I didn't get the desired result from her knowing. I hoped she would help open his eyes to what he was risking, but instead she seems to feel badly for him and is trying to make his life easier.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40402
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my two closest friends. His best friend already knew, which hurt me because I felt he should have told me.

I haven't told my mother. I want to, but I just can't. I know that my mother would just tell me to leave him and would push me to leave. My whole family would, so I've decided not to tell them.

Me: BS (20)
Him: WS (25)
D-day: 5/22/13
One infant, two miscarriages, and One stillbirth.
Together seven years; Married two.
Trying to R.
I have survived worse; I can survive this too.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told people. The level of deceit was so high and far reached that it touched his own family members and mine...there aren't many people in life not touched by what he did.

Right or wrong, I felt that if he could hurt DD and I so shockingly, couldn't he do it to them? I was not given the gift of honesty by many people-only two and one was OW-so I felt that if someone could be hurt by him, they deserved to know it. He was lying to his family members to cover his tracks or protect OW, so no one was immune.

I think it also depends on the outcome of the relationship and how far reaching an A is. Sometimes it can be covered and sometimes it can't, or will come out because of gossip, too.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I wanted him to post it on FB and tell the whole world. At this point, I am glad I didn't. Someone told me that I should think long and hard about telling people because if we were to try and reconcile at any point, people will judge. Of course others will have strong opinions.

I told his family and my closest family. I couldn't avoid telling his family. I threw him out on dday and needed someone to drag him out of here. He also needed a place to stay.

I would tell who you want to tell for you to have a support system. You will need someone you can trust who you can talk to and will not judge you but just be there for you.

I think I would've regretted making him announce it to the world. Once it's done you can't take it back.

**Take care**

Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I initially told my hair stylist of all people. I told his mom and two of his brothers due to the fact that he decided to bring the girl home one night. (That was my breaking point.) A month later I told my mom and two weeks after that I told my uncle who we are in business with. I also told my girlfriend because I missed her father's funeral when I caught them on my living room couch at 4:30am the day of the funeral. I also told my sister in law(his brother's wife) when she asked me how our summer was going. I told her it sucked because he was having an affair. I told his cousin in Chicago when I realized he took her there on a vacation in June and saw him. Turns out he met him alone. She stayed at hotel. (Oops! Oh well!) I told just about everyone as the opportunity arose. I didn't care then and I still don't. I want him to be ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe that will make him realize the impact of his actions. I'm still not done telling but I am being somewhat selective now. Oh, and the neighbors probably sense something because I emptied his gym bag in the street along with her underwear he was keeping in it.

Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fairly selective on who I told, a few close friends, my family had suspicions because things had been so rocky leading up to my DDay.

I chose not to tell too many people as I didn't want them to think differently of us, or loose respect for him, if we were able to R.

That was in the early days. Now that we are 5 years out, I will tell just about anyone that is having their own difficult time with things. I also share our story of R, with all the ugly parts too. Then I also tell them about this fabulous place that helped me through it all.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What good does it do to have his family know?

I do have this urge to tell his family, or ask him to. I don't know why.

I don't know how to present this idea to him, either. What good will it do for them to know? Besides making me feel better for some unknown reason. How do I ask him to tell his parents and brothers?

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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