Did you keep it to yourself or shout it to the world?
This time, in hopes of things working out, I haven't told very many people at all. I don't think he has told anyone. I am pretty sure the OW is under the impression that we were no longer together. I haven't contacted her to know.
It really is a personal decision, just remember that whatever you say/do you can't take back so those people will know forever.
My dad and brother know ( my brother is really angry about it). At first I only told one friend. Slowly, I began telling a few more. Mainly because people were worried about me. I wasn't able to hide it. There was obvious stress on my face and I was unable to follow through on a lot of stuff. Eventually another married couple we know found out about it. I think her husband suspected it anyway and when I wasn't acting normal, they were able to put it all together. They've actually been very supportive of us as a couple, which is very nice. I've also told a couple of women who I know went through something very similar. I was looking for advice.
Our MC says "be wise" about who we tell. I think I have in that I have only shared it with people who I think care about me and my family, who don't want to see me in pain. Obviously once you tell someone, you can't untell someone. Then again, it's also not good to walk around with a burden like this and not be able to grieve about it with someone who genuinely cares.
People who love you will want to know what is bothering you.
As far as the outermost part of your circle, they don't need to know...and any gossipy interest they have will go away when the next gossip breaks.
My SIL, who exposed the A also knew too.
It made it very difficult for me to find someone to speak with early days. That was the drawback. Thank God for SI and my IC who allowed me to cry and cry and cry...
Though I'll never know for sure, I think the fewer people who knew made it easier to attempt to reconcile because we had fewer opinions to deal with.
I told 1 of my sisters. She knows the details of DD3 but I haven't shared anything since then. I chose not to share more because if we do reconcile I don't want the "bad stuff" to be in her mind too.
I didn't share with my other family members either. My mom guessed what the problem was and asked me, and I confirmed. But I chose not to share any details with them because of their own past issues. Again, if we do reconcile then I don't want the "bad stuff" in their mind either.
Ultimately my family wants me to be happy, whatever path I choose.
My IC knows everything as does a trusted friend. They were both BS in their past relationships so they can relate to the roller-coaster of emotions. My IC is male and friend is female so I get both perspectives. They know that unless you stand in our shoes as BS it is very hard for someone to understand.
For me, as tempting as it was - and believe me it was VERY tempting - to share the news by contacting friends, his family, coworkers, anyone who would listen, I decided (for my own sich) that I would take the high-road. Everyone needs to decide for their own situation if it's worth it.
But for me, I couldn't see anything positive being gained by telling "everyone". For example, if I told all his friends, what would I get from them other than sympathy or other unexpected reaction? I'd come across as a venting, pissed-off, out-for-revenge type of person by sharing those details. And then they'd probably think "wow, no wonder...." regardless of the real story. And, as we all know, even if they did attempt to talk with WS about it, they cannot get him to change
Personally I ultimately just didn't see a benefit to me for sharing such intimate details with everyone.
So IC, my IRL friend, and SI friends get to hear the details, my venting, offer a lending ear and support. All without any judgement being passed.
It's such a personal decision, and not an easy one to make, but whichever way you choose, you will find support on SI.
Someone who genuinely loves you does not deliberately hurt you.
My physician(s) know.
I have been very careful in who I have chosen to tell...I will not tell anyone that I feel will not be forgiving or will not support my wishes too save the marriage.
I had to talk to someone. His family doesn't know. My family doesn't know. I doubt that either would care though.
He told his best friend.
Sometimes, I want to tell everyone because he has all of our friends and family fooled with his Mr. Nice Guy, family man act. Why should I suffer in silence when he is the cause of it? My Aunt actually told me last Monday that I was lucky to have such a good guy like him - cue the rage! She knows nothing about what he did, but it fucking stung.
Ultimately, I've decided not to share the truth with more people not in an effort to protect him, but myself. I will not be able to deal with the judgements, unsolicited opinions/advice, and gossip. Right now, I need the support of people IRL who can just STFU and listen. Most of my family members lack that capacity.
[This message edited by Fireflies at 8:51 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I don't want all of my family to know. My mom and step-dad know. My best friend and my brother know, that is it. But I don't want anyone else hating him or thinking of me as weak for staying with him. I never thought I'd be one to stay with a cheater. If someone else were in my place I'd tell them to get the hell out...
SI not included in that last statement. This place is the best for real advice.
I hope this makes some kind of sense.
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
I took the high road and only told 1 person at work, mainly because she has her own marital issues and she could tell I was upset and not myself so she asked. I also told my Best F who is dealing with exactly the same situation.
My WH only has brothers and sisters whom he is not close to. He is very close to my family and I know they will never forgive and look at him the same if we R. That means that even though it is horrible I have been putting on a happy face every time I see or speak with them. It can kinda make a gal crazy, but seems like the best option. 😕
Edited for typos....I hate autocorrect!
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:37 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
The problem with telling people is that, during and after R it forces people to take sides. This is especially true with family members, where the WS may be shunned at future events, leading to uncomfortable dynamics. It also may backfire on you. People with no understanding of infidelity may actually blame you for not being able to keep your spouse from straying. This usually leads to anger on the part of the BS, and the relationship falls apart.
My advice is to tell no one or maybe one very close friend that you can confidently confide in. If you need to talk, use the resources of SI, or find a good MC/IC to discuss marriage/personal issues.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:51 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I had to really look at my motivation for telling people. Was it rooted in negativity or moving forward?
We ended up telling quite a few people, looking for support, family and friends. We got support from everyone we told, advice, relationship books, childcare voulenteers, places to vent, encouragement. Its been a team effort to say the least.
I am glad I chose not to tell for the wrong reasons. No good would have come from that.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
That's it. If we don't make it through this R, then, obviously, more people will know. But for now, it's easier to not be judged or pitied or pressured. IMO, no choice a BS makes is wrong unless it's made in the heat of the moment. I think the choice to share the A news widely shouldn't be made soon after D-day when tempers are high and judgment is faulty and emotions are overwrought (justifiably).
When I resigned the job, I made it clear that WS was responsible for the breakup, but I didn't say exactly what. But you could probably guess.
I knew WS was telling people at that job that our split was "amicable" and basically my idea, so I wanted to alert his boss that he was full of it, at least on some level.
We work in a pretty small and insular field and it's going to get around. I'm hearing from people that are finding out and sending condolence emails and that sort of thing.
But the advice I got across the board was "razed earth." Don't let him get away with what he did to you. Let everyone know who he truly is because I have nothing to be embarrassed about, he does.
And it was important to me to let everyone know because it kept me accountable when it came to R. I had to really decide if I was willing to be known as the person who took back a cheater. And, if I was, I had to have good reasons... like that he was putting all of his effort into it. When it was clear he wasn't, it helped make my decision to S/D easier.
The only people that did not support me were three of her dysfunctional, toxic "friends" who knew about it, encouraged it before it happened, supported it during, and helped her keep it a secret behind mine and my sons' backs.
I have not felt one bit of shame, embarrassment, or humiliation throughout all this. Anguish, heartbreak, anger, shock, and disgust? Absolutely. But no embarrassment because I held fast to my values and morals throughout the worst emotional turmoil I have ever felt. I am proud of that and feel empowered by that.
The shame, embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation belong strictly to her. There was no division of that when I divorced her. It will belong to her for the rest of her life.
[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:56 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]