Before dday,I thought I was attractive. I thought I was sexy. I took pride in my appearance. Now? Not so much. Why bother? Im clearly not what MY WH wants. Hell..he cheated on me with a fucking man. Now that's a mind-fuck,let me tell you. I've actually had moments of hating myself..my body..because I don't have a dick. I mean..what??!! Is there something wrong with me..so wrong with me..that I turned him of of women? Or is it just me?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I will make this short as H is getting annoyed me being on here. He says I don't do anything unless it says to on here.
We have just had a blazing row which our son walked in on. I have to make my choice to stay together or not and stop the bloody shouting matches. It's just so hard cos I need to let the pain out.
H has told me he loves me now more than ever after his PA and thinks I am beautiful. I can't get the words out of my head thought when I questioned him about the A, he panicked and started insulting me. He said 'I could tell you you're sexy, gorgeous and I love you but you're not and I don't'. It broke my heart although he really regrets it now.
He reminded me again today that his facebook chat with an ex was - to make him feel good and his PA was the same. It was about their bubbly personalities and the attention they gave him.
Affairs were my fault as much as his cos the marriage had gone stale. I was ill with bipolar and he didn't know how to handle it and wanted attention so when these women popped up (he never sought them out) he went after them to get the attention he wasn't getting from me.
So I realised it's not just my looks that don't measure up -even if it's only in my eyes but neither does my personality cos of my illness.
I have to start controlling my feelings and make some decisions as my son is really getting dragged down by my constant crying. Its embarrassing and I hate myself for not being a good mum right now. It's so unfair to have to deal with this and put on a happy face for everyone else. I just can't do it.
It's like here is a big shit sandwich but you have to eat it like a good girl cos ur upsetting ur son. Oh and everything is ok now I have realised I love you so much.
H looks like the 'sane' one cos although he did it he can carry on as normal around people. I am the unreasonable one cos I can't. I didn't ask for any of this yet I have to smile through it and not bring it up cos it's in the past and can't be changed. I feel like doing a runner tbh. I feel trapped by this pain and self loathing and bloody evil illness.
I want to be happy or at least have the strength to deal with this without falling apart. I just want to scream!
[This message edited by olwen at 12:59 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
I was in a very dark place when the AP came along. we bogh were. I had been dealing for an extended time with a near suicidal, sick Mother, an abusive, troubled teen and was caring for a toddler as well. I was very depressed and pretty much shuf down and overwhelmed. H didn't know how to fix any of that. I was also overweight, and to exhausted to card about my fitness or appearance. According to him I was always negative, never smiled and always talked "against" him, not "with" him.
Along came the glitzy package that was the OW complete with a sparkly, positive outgoing personality. I still struggle with personality comparisons.
Now I find that it is hard to act "happy and positive" around him because she acted that way. It is all crazy.
If you have been diagnosed bi-polar, are you getting help with that in the form of Meds? i hate to see you beating yourself up and suffering over something that might be helped with treatment.
Sounds like your H has a lot of work to do, but I am more concerned about you!
Yes I am quite heavily medicated. I was diagnosed in October after many years of severe depression (became the norm) that wouldn't respond long term to treatment. after trying a new drug I went thru the roof and realised I had been 'high' at other times in my life though no where near the level of the depression. I was medicated then but not enough. It was confirmed in march. The day after I found out about the supposed 'friends that got too close' was the last time I saw the shrink. He doubled my meds and reintroduced an antidepressant. I started to feel a it better, then the kisses were confessed to when I got oral thrush. Then my dad died. Then a month ish later H confessed to sex.
Since then I have been bouncing around from suicidal to happy for short periods. When I saw the shrink he said to come back when the air had cleared cos it is hard to know what's the A and what's the BP. I am bp2 by the way.
I make it sound like I am a permanently depressed misery guts. Far from it. After a lifetime of it I was great at hiding it. I have my routine of chores and get up every day. I have a smile for H and DS when they walk in the door even if I have been crying in the corner minutes before. My worst crime was to go quiet and withdrawn at my worst. I did have a massive panic attack the week before the A started and I don't think that helped. Here's me ill and struggling and along comes miss happy slapper telling H he deserved better when he moaned about me at work.
I will be ok. Not tried suicide since April. I just need to hang in there til this all calms down a bit. Some days, like today are just a battle to get through and all set off by a woman with a J name showing her tits off around my h. Just made me think how his ap was slim and busty and how I could never be good enough. Crazy but God it hurts.
His choice to cheat rather than work on your marital problems is 100% his fault. You can take responsibility for your issues in the marriage but you definitely should not take responsibility for his choice to cheat. There are a lot of other ways to deal with marital problems that don't involve screwing another person. He chose that and it was a betrayal far worse than he can even begin to comprehend.
As for you being on here, my husband hated it to. When he was an unremorseful jerk and still trying to get me to take responsibility for his choice to cheat. But you are getting the wisdom of several thousand people who have been there, done that, read the handbook, got the t-shirt, and outgrew the t-shirt. Working through and surviving infidelity is a lot of work. He can let you come here and get the short cuts or you can sweep it under the rug (which is what he probably wants) so that it keeps rearing it's ugly head until one of you can't take it anymore. If he's smart, he'll decide the former choice is the better one.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:07 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
You are precious. Doubt me...jump in a pool hold your breath and dive. You'll move heaven and earth to breath fresh air again. You innately know your value. That's the voice you listen to.
^^This. THIS. A thousand times this.
Nasty people happen to hone in on those they think weak and begin abusing. It gives them a sense of power. How do I know? My h is one.
I, too, have felt ugly for most of my life. I was also 170 pounds (usa) and 5'7" most of my life. I have a t scar on my stomach. From navel down then a csection.
My boobs are big put like turbos.
Im shy. Quirky. Dorky.
Im now close to 240 pounds. I havent done my hair or make up for months bc of work.
You know what? Im pretty. Im a good person. Wh is a complete wanker. He is a shallow ho. This is no reflection on me, but him.
Youre husbands cheating has nothing to do with you nor your looks. It has to do with him selfishly being led by his wang. He screwed that fluzy because he wanted to not because you had a scar or wear a size 18 (which I think is equivelent to a size 12 usa which I would love to be, lol).
Now the female situation I can see it two ways. Is it possible youre in such pain and feeling a lot of self negativity that youre thinking thee women are snearing at you.
On the opposite side, there are females who have such self disrespect they will flaunt their wares and give it up to whomever.
A bit more on beauty: I had this friend. Not beautiful. Plain. She dressed nice and conservative (it was the 90's). But damd didnt every mans head turned as she passed. It was an aura thing.
Time to change your aura. Time to realise your beauty...and not through the eyes of anyone. Just see and embrace your beauty. To hell with anyone who disrespects you or doesnt see your beauty.
When your husband is in faithful mode, what you look like doesn't matter at all. He will love you at your ugliest, dirtiest, crankiest. When your husband is in cheat mode, what you look like doesn't matter at all. He will "leave" you in spite of your true beauty. Everything about an A is so artificial! His attraction to OW is fantasy. It's not real.
You, however, ARE real. Just be the best you that you can be. No woman I know believes she is as beautiful as she truthfully is. Find your real beauty--inside and out--and magnify it. Is it your hair? Your voice? Your lips? Your legs? Is it your generosity? Your brilliance? Your grateful heart? Your sensitive soul?
Right now, don't worry about him; worry about you. When he gets his act together and his issues under control, you can think about him, perhaps, again. For now, work on repairing your shattered self-image. Work out (because of the "endorphins"). Get a haircut. Eat well. Sleep. Join a club or a gym or a book group. Volunteer.
The goal is that someday, when you're healed, no man (or woman) will ever have power over you. You ARE an amazing woman!
It's not your fault, no matter what happened, it's simply not.
I can see a great person from your words and that beautiful is just there, in you.
You deserve better, with or without him, you could make it , I AM NOT TELLING YOU IT'S EASY BUT IT'S GONNA WORTHY IT. It IS hard but not that hard as you thought it could be.
Get IC if it's possible in your situation, it's just for your sake, let it all out, you don't have to pretend like it doesn't matter, as IT DOES matter.
Come and talk about your feeling, it will help you heal and really be inner peaceful again.
Edited for typos
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:32 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
When I saw the shrink he said to come back when the air had cleared cos it is hard to know what's the A and what's the BP.
I have a smile for H and DS when they walk in the door even if I have been crying in the corner minutes before.
Please take care of YOU. Then demand that he do the work necessary to deserve you!
[This message edited by minorsong at 12:06 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
Feelings are feelings...but remember they can change, but only if you are willing to let them.