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User Topic: He's still deleting shit
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told him so many times now that he simply can't delete ANYTHING EVER. He freaks because his phone is through work and only has so much storage so he has to delete. I asked him that when he needs to delete to tell me and we'll do it together. Well, I caught him deleting again.

He coaches our daughter's softball team and he gets tons of texts from parents. Last night I saw a text from a mom that said "Sorry, I think I sent you double texts, something's going on with my phone" but there were no texts before it. Then today when I looked again, THAT text was gone, he deleted it this morning.

I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't grasp the concept that even harmless deleting turns my entire world upside down and makes me believe 100% that he's hiding stuff and now in my mind it's totally possible that he's deleting stuff from OW also. He's not getting just how important this kind of thing is. We had a huge blow out and we started yelling separation again. I can't do this anymore.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He gets it. He knows why he shouldn't delete it.

He just doesn't care.

Or he has something to hide.

But he DOES get it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7484 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H delete's stuff too. He DOES get it but hates a "cluttered inbox" WTF??? Deleting is bullshit and they know it. Whether they're hiding something or not it needs to stop. Makes me consider putting "StealthGenie" on his phone - but if I have to go to that extent maybe R is not worth it?


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but I always believe..that if history is being deleted then their doing something their not suppose to be doing. Put your foot down. Tell him next time U want to see everything before he deletes it.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this daily? Several times a day? How often does he need to clear? My crappy phone will keep 250 texts before telling me to delete. Can you set a routine every evening to delete with you or does he have to do it more often?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1477 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just that I've told him not to delete anything at least 10 times. So best case scenario he just doesn't give a shit about my needs right now, worst case he's still hiding stuff. Good times.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's his consequence for doing this?

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21055 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ajsmom, When I confronted him earlier I told him I was done and he went balistic. But my new name is "the girl who cried separation" so idk.

I think when he gets home tonight I should tell him that I'm going to back his phone up to itunes to recover deleted texts. If all the deleted texts are innocent, I will discuss this with him ONE last time, set up the rules and consequences.

Or, I'll find deleted texts to OW and pack his shit right then and there.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest you discuss nothing with him, check the texts and if they are from the OW you Hefty Bag his ass on the spot.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21055 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with AJ'smom. Tell him nothing. Do it in secret. If they are innocent text at least your mind will be at ease. If not. . . you will need to decide where to go from there.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
2004kk
♀ New Member
Member # 40134
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that going through his phone makes sense, but at what point will you ever feel safe again. I think for yourself you have to decide whats best for you. If you get those gut wrenching feelings talk to him and ask him to show you his phone. Force open communication with him.
I know this sounds easier said then done. I am trying real hard to not look anymore. It is helping me get over it and move on for my sake. I know that I don't want to be with someone that cheats or I have no trust for but we all have limits. I am trying so hard to not look anymore because eventually he will either slip or I will have had enough of my own mind games. Stay your ground with which ever you decide to do.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Force open communication with him.

Mmmm...doesn't work.

You cannot force anyone to be open with you, least of all someone who is probably hiding something.

He's doing this because he can. There have been no consequences set forth for his behavior.

As always, trust but verify. In your case, OC, you already know you can't believe him.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21055 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I don't think I will ever feel safe again. I am about a year and a half from dday and almost four years since all this happened. It is way to early to feel safe so if OC has a "gut feeling" she should act on it. If she has enough of these and acts on it and finds her H to simply be deleting his emails, then she might start to feel safe.

He is still lying to her, even if it is a small lies she needs proof so that things can be fixed. One can't force anyone who isn't willing to tell the truth.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he has a smartphone through Verizon, you can install an app called "Verizon Messages" on his phone as well as your tablet or phone. You will get a copy of every message he receives. Even if he deletes the message on his device, you'll still have a copy of it on yours. Fair is fair. This is the price he must pay for his treachery.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. If you can get a hold of his phone (provided it's a Verizon smartphone) you can install the app without him knowing. Just make sure you go into the app settings and disable notifications on his phone. You will get copies of all messages without his knowledge.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there something like that for the iPhone?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
stillstruggle
♀ New Member
Member # 40406
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H always does the icognito browser online so it deletes the history automatically. I've learned that u can press the back button to see what they are up to if they are dumb enuf to leave up windows.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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