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User Topic: EA vs. PA?
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be the first to say the PA was worse but we never dealt with the EA (until now) so I honestly don't know.

I did say after the EA that I would never be able to handle a PA but never say never. Now I think "oh a LTA would be worse" and maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't but I pray to never ever ever have to find out!

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way to say this hurts like on a level of 1 to 10 say an 8 and someone else's only hurts a say 7 can't measure this type of pain.

my husband had an EA over 3 years. He lied to me over and over. The sense of betrayal I feel is beyond words. I feel completely devastated. I have thought that I would have preferred a ONS or a brief PA. But it just really hurts that he lied to me for so long so many times for 3 years +.

Plus he has said to her how much he loved her how he wishes she was his wife etc...

he wrote her love letters and poems... he dreamed of her thought of her 24/7. Texted her nonstop had phone calls that lasted 78 mins at a time can it not hurt ? he might as well have f-ed her. No difference.

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 3:16 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it just really hurts that he lied to me for so long so many times for 3 years +.

Yeah, I know this is true for a lot of people. The lies are worse than the A's themselves. So many times I asked my H to come clean and he insisted nothing was going on. I still don't think I know the whole truth, but I'm pretty sure it's just specifics/ details I'm missing at this point and I've decided I don't really want them.

I'm not trying to measure pain, or give it a number on a scale of 1-10... Like I said, just trying to relate to a number of different situations.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the EA was worse. His A didn't last nearly as long as many here on SI have dealt with (4 weeks). He was with OW for 1 week in her state, that was the PA. But the following 3 weeks he was back in our state ( his EA) were more devastating for me. He took what little time he had, when he wasn't working or in the field, to call her. I was home with our 4 year old daughter, consoling her because she missed daddy, telling her that he'll call or be home soon, saying he missed her, etc. But instead of thinking of his little girl (and wife), the OW got his time/attention. I hate him most for not being there for our daughter, for acting like she didn't matter.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 7:00 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree betrayal is betrayal. I hate when people tried to compare which is worse. Everyone is different. It ALL sucks. Early on I thought to myself,"im sure glad wh didnt do that or I would never put up with that"

Whatever...I no longer think that way or say I would do this or that.

Betrayal is betrayal and how each person handles the shit sandwich they are handed is different.

To me its all about what you feel and what you can handle. Im sick of being told by people, " i was cheated on! Get over it already....I did!"

Just sayin'

I listen and learn but dont compare...

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like some people missed the point of my question. Or I didn't post it right. Thanks for all the feedback, and sorry if I offended anyone.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krazy...I am not sure that anyone missed the point of the question. I read all of the responses and I think that you got the answers you did for one reason...we are all individuals and each of us have had a very individual experience.

For myself my WH had a very short term EA. I was devastated when I initially found out with my heart in shreads. For me all I can think about is how he and I were when we were dating and falling in love and the mind movies will start with our history but her in my place ( I don't even know what she looks like). Another factor for me was how I found out.

Dealing with an A either E or P is a grieving process. I have suffered a tremendous amount of loss in my life and so I think I go through the grieving process faster than many people. I literally slid right past bargaining through into anger in a matter of days.

This al being said I can not be sure that this did not become a PA but for me the thought that he could be starting to become attached and fall in love in the same way he and I did 25 yrs ago was harder than thinking that he could have just f***ed some chick.

I hope that my answer helps somewhat. I wish none of us had cause to even try to figure out which type of A is worse! ((( hugs)))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h had an ea that progressed to a pa. I found out about the ea and was devastated, found some texts.

He left me the same day and then it progressed to pa.

For me now the most painful part is how he acted after I discovered.

The part that I have the most trouble with is he left me for her, he chose her. That is the part that rips me apart still everyday.

Then again, there are days when the thought of him smiling at her, talking and saying intimate things to her kills.

Then there are the days where the images of him touching her, having sex with her breaks my heart.

I guess the only thing I can say about this is it is all hell. It all hurts. It just depends what day it is when I think about what is the worst.

It is all the worst.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had/is having a LT EA. it just breaks the soul. To have him tell her all about me is devastating to say th least. And I trusted him with my life! He said he was never physical with her, but I don't believe it. Why would ou plan to buy a house with someone if you never had sex with them?

My MC said to him ... I don't want to know and I don't care if you had sex. You had an affair.....

It sucks either way

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2cents and because I have experienced most it may be interesting.

OWzero: EA for at least a few months. (I don't know the full story).

OW1: PA for a few months which turned into a 16 year EA.

OW2: EA (PA?) for 3 years followed by a 5 year LTA.

OW3: Very intense EA and PA for 1 year.

Strangely OW1 (the 16 year EA) bothers me the most. Mainly because I found out he talked to her for hours on the phone several times a week even while screwing OW2 and OW3 and told her all about his OWs and his family and everything about us!!!

Second to that was OW3 - the year long intense EA/PA. Mainly I guess because she tried her hardest to get him to leave me for her. For that I hate the bitch!

OW2 doesn't bother me quite as much even though he screwed her for the longest time. She was just stupid and he used her.

I often wonder if I would feel differently about it all if it was a week long PA, a year long EA or whatever. I don't know.

I do know that unless you walk in someone else's shoes you can't compare.

I am also not into the "your pain is less/more than mine" discussion.

The reason I find these discussions interesting is because I am always looking for reassurance.

It would be nice to feel it is possible to recover.



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, whether or not it was EA or PA is less important than whether or not it was pre-meditated. I think I would have coped a lot better with a drunken ONS, a spur of the moment act of craziness... what I really struggle with is the thought that went into my WH's deceit, the planning, the "on-purposeness" of it.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of had both experiences with the same A.

Dday #1, when I found the phone records, both my H and the OW said it was not a PA. It was mostly a mentor/mentee relationship. However, the contact was so often and he had lied about it and I asked for a divorce, told the kids and my parents. He bent over backwards and I recanted and took him back. I actually got over that fairly quickly. There was no profession of love. I actually believed he hadn't slept with her because she was needy and insecure and annoying and just didn't seem like his type. So, this would be 2/3rds of an EA, inappropriate contact with lying, no love or sex. In theory.

Dday #2, when someone sent me a letter, I found out it was actually a PA, almost 4 years. Still no more of an EA, no love, etc. And it had ended after Dday #1.

This has taken a lot longer to get over. I actually did not tell the kids or my parents this time and did not seriously entertain the idea of divorce. Mainly because I was finally getting the truth. About everything, even the distant past. He was finally humble and willing to do the work. Ironically we had started MC the week before since he was getting too close to another employee and refused to give up their friendship. All that changed.

So, the PA was much harder. But if the EA was a "love match" that might have been a different story.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:11 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a 2.5 year LTA with OW that was mostly EA, with some PA though no actual sex mixed in. I think it would have been easier to deal with a meaningless PA than to hear he was in love with OW.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A was an EA with an exBF from college. It was a huge indicator of my nonexistent boundaries with men - a symptom of the real problem I had. My then-BS was deeply, deeply hurt and scared, partly because I had betrayed our emotional intimacy and fidelity, which was awful, but also because he had to acknowledge that the wife he had admired and respected as well as loved was not a safe partner to him due to completely lax boundaries. It was even BIGGER than the EA, because my lack of boundaries was a continuous source of potential affairs and hurtful behavior - just waiting to happen. He was gutted, and he was also scared of the future with me. However he did not have mind movies, and HB was helpful to us as then-BH could use our intimacy to reinforce, in his mind, the bond we had that I did not have with then-OM.

A couple of years after my EA, my BS turned into a WS. He had a PA with one of his graduate students. I was shocked and scared and heartbroken, of course. I had mind movies of them naked together ALL the time. I couldn't HB. I couldn't kiss him, I couldn't look at his hands without mind movies of them together. It was terrible, searingly painful and it really shook me. Would I rather have had it "only" be an EA? Of course I would have liked there to be a line he did not cross, but there wasn't. The physical part hurt terribly. But as I healed, I found the EA part of his A was the part that hurt the longest. To be blunt, I forgave him for fucking her long before I forgave him for genuinely liking her.

So at least in our marriage, the emotional part of the affair was the part that ate into our long-term emotions as a married couple. We worked for YEARS on recovering from the emotional betrayals and various different issues with boundaries in each of us. Years later I'd have to say that even calling up the PA mind movies I used to be traumatized by doesn't have nearly the impact of recalling the emails I read between them. For us, the emotional betrayal lasted longer and worked its way deeper into our relationship than the physical aspect of FWH's A, though in the short term the PA side had more "shock and awe" effect.

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