To me this says, I believe she is better than you. Just by making a choice aren't you comparing by default?
H says he never compared. Just by choosing one thing over another or one person over another, doesn't that mean that a comparison was made? Even if it was subconcious?
I keep asking, "do you think about your choices then? Do you question why you thought she was better?"
I think I want to know that he realizes that his perceptions were flawed. That he recognizes that.
To me it feels that by choosing her, he was telling me, "she is better".
I now want to hear, why he believes that is wrong. I want to hear how he sees me now. I want to hear how wrong he was for believing she was better than me.
I believe that I am a good person, that I have a lot to offer. I believe that he did not appreciate what he had.
Maybe I want to hear that he believes this now.
Does this make any sense?
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
I think that is why I need to hear why he believes his thoughts were wrong.
Does this make sense?
It felt like every time he chose her over me, and there were many times, that he was saying,"she is the better choice".
I think I want to hear, now that he is back, why I am now the better choice. What does he see in me now that he was not able to see before.
Maybe it's to hear him taking ownership of his bad choices, taking the responsibility for the damage.
If he felt that she was the better choice then, how has that changed? What does he think now, about what he was thinking then.
I am trying so hard to find a way to make this hurt less.
It is so hard to be replaced. This is what he did, it was for a brief time, but the pain lingers.
By leaving me for another woman, he said to me and to the world, I have found someone better.
Again, does this make any sense?
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
it's about choosing which version of himself he'd rather be. With you he is the WS. With OW he is greatest guy alive.
This is the truth. When I got the ILYBNILWY speech I did not know there was another woman and he vehemently denied it. He also said he didn't like who he was around me and the kids. Well, of course he didn't! Around us, he was a cheater and a liar. A man who was mistreating his wife and kids. This is a man who formerly valued a "handshake agreement" Around her, he was the greatest thing since sliced cheese.
That said, I totally get why you would want to hear from him why you are the better choice. I can't imagine trying to reconcile without that.
I look at it as my WS chose HIMSELF - not me or her, just him. Because it wasn't about who was nicer or prettier or loved him more or whatever it was all about what made him feel good. Completely selfish.
^^^this^^^ 100% accurate.
It has nothing to do with you, your appearance, what you did/didn't do...nothing.
He was looking for something inside himself and rather than doing any soul-searching, he found someone who thought he was perfect "as-is". And because that was an easier option, he chose the easier path.
What I want from h is how he sees me now. What does he think about now with regard to his choices and behavior. What does he think about the way he thought about me then compared to now. Why am I the better choice now.
I am thinking of it as maybe flipping it over. He made me feel disposable, how does he make me feel that he values me now. Does he question how he could have thought how he did? Does he believe that he failed to appreciate me? Does he believe that his comparisons between ow and me were distorted? What does he see in me now that he failed to see? Why could he not see me?
I am in a very bad place today, at work, not able to function. Today is the one year mark of the start of his a.
Of course I did not know then, it makes me sad for the innocent, trusting woman that I was. I miss that. I grieve for that feeling that there was one person in the world that would never hurt me. That would never make choices that would break my heart because he just didn't care what happened to me. I just don't feel like me anymore. I feel ashamed that I am not stronger.
When he chose her he chose the easy way out, Reconciling is hard and takes work. His AP has shown him she's willing to settle for less, while with you he has to work for it (I hope I'm making sense!) I struggled with the comparison piece, but the consensus on SI and with others is the same, his actions or selfish ways having nothing to do with you or with anything you've done. And the fact that he's in R (and presumably NC with his AP) means he knows he screwed up and could've lost a great spouse.
Does he believe that his comparisons between ow and me were distorted?
Yes -- I think so. The grass is greener on the other side. Remember when you and your H were first dating and were in the "honeymoon" period? This is what the A is like. Everything is perfect and exciting and the AP doesn't have the same expectations as a spouse -- only for WH/WW to realize (down the road) that this person isn't so perfect and what was once exciting is now normal
You're stronger then you realize and you have no reason to feel ashamed.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I think I want to hear from him that he thinks I am the better choice. He threw me away once, now I need proof that he appreciates what he has.
I am trying to make sense of these feelings. I just don't want to stay stuck here.
His actions said to me, "I do not value you". What actions would say the opposite???
Am I making any sense at all?
I tried to talk to h about this today and he didn't get it at all.
He just kept saying,"I don't compare you". But in my head his actions show that he did. When you make a choice between two things, you are deciding which is better.
I guess I want to hear that he sees his choice as wrong and why???
I don't know if these things would help you. I do believe that many many WS's don't see what they have until they have lost it. My H said it was like he was blind and all of the sudden his eyes were opened and he saw me, his kids, his life - everything that was important to him and how he was effing it all up. I DO have to somehow accept that he did not care about me like I thought he did. That he did hurt me and not think about me or my feelings once. It is the only way I will be able to move on and begin this "new" marriage. It's tough and sucks but it is my reality now.
When she attempted to make me leave him by outing the A to me, not once, but twice he finally woke up to the kind of sick person she really was. He realized she would not be welcome in his families home or around our friends. They all told him that she was comparable to his wayward ex-wife, who they all despised and he would wind up with someone just like her.
Now, he has never told me any of this and probably never will. But thats OK with me. I know I am a better person than she will ever be. I told him that any woman that lowered themselves to get involved with a married man had some serious mental issues and that he needed to look inside himself and see what made him think that he could have ever been happy with someone like her. He has said he never planned on D me and to him it was just about the sex and our lack of sex, but she made it out to be alot more than what it was. He just went along with it to keep her quiet and he never thought she would out the A or that I would ever find out. He said he tried numerous times to end it with her, but she would threathen to tell me if he did and he didn't know how to stop it. Am I happy with that explaination...NO!! I am not, but that is the way he sees it. He knows he loves me and never wants to take another chance on losing me and he knows if he ever does it again he will.
I just have to remind myself daily that the A had nothing to do with me, that the OW in no way compares to the woman I am, and that hopefully he never goes down that road of self distruction again.
I guess I want to hear that he sees his choice as wrong and why???
This is something I needed and couldn't even consider R until he could answer that. Because "I don't know" or "Just because" was never a good enough answer. He was finally able to come up with a coherent response that made sense!
In the end, she had every advantage and yet, he still chose me because when he pulled his head from his rectum he knew she was broken, selfish, overbearing, fake and shallow. And...he also realized she couldn't hold a candle to me. Even the thought of her disgusts him now.
Yeah, I know, I'll never understand it either.
No matter how many people tell you it is not about you, and they aren't better than you, it takes a long time to process...and even longer for your heart to feel it. I'm sure the feelings are intensified too being the 1st Antiversary. That time was horrible for me. Go easy on yourself. Don't apologize for what you need. It takes some WS's a long time to really, truly "get it." Mine has, and I still struggle..