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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/

I'm not a guy, but many of his points works for me.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Million Piece:

Thank you so very much for sharing. This is great advice for all genders, greatly written and well received on this end.

Thank you


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing that. sigh. Wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship with someone who lived by those rules!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2570 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm...

--Posting as a member (who is, full disclosure, currently in antiversary week)--

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Obviously, your mileage may vary.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Ha! When I first read this my brain waffled from partly swooning and partly feeling this. But I *want* to believe this.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to believe this. I guess we'll have to wait for the movie.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4860 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either this guy wants to get laid or make life miserable for the rest of us.

Easy now easy ...just a joke...sort of


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2011
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a beautiful piece.

My ex did none of these things.

I'm looking forward to meeting someone who has these beliefs firmly in place.

There is always hope. :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So first you have this:

"Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESNíT HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you donít take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her."

And then you have this:

"Itís not your job to change or fix herÖ your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether itís what you wanted or not."

So it's your job to continue to "choose" your spouse no matter how she changes, but your spouse doesn't have to choose you.

Seems like a contradiction, no?

I'm not saying that I don't get where this is coming from. The reality is that some people don't love unconditionally, and withdraw the love and effort they ought to be putting into their marriage and give it to someone else. And for the rejected spouse, this is a horrible realization, and when you see that person that you love walking away from you, you wonder if there wasn't more you could have done to "keep her love."

But this is a double standard. She doesn't have to earn your love, yet you have to earn hers? What a terrible way to live. Maybe this man wishes that his wife hadn't left him, but I don't think he realizes what kind of life he might have had if that had been the case, a lifetime of trying his hardest, but always wondering if his best wasn't going to be good enough, the horrible spectre of divorce haunting him with every step.

The whole point of solemnizing a commitment between two people in marriage is so that they don't have to be constantly looking over their shoulders.

It's tricky, of course, because if you feel secure in your marriage and feel like their are no conditions to the love you receive, you run the risk of becoming complacent, and not working as hard as you should to keep your relationship strong. But constantly pouring yourself out in order to make sure that the other person doesn't leave is no way to live either.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this man wishes that his wife hadn't left him, but I don't think he realizes what kind of life he might have had if that had been the case, a lifetime of trying his hardest, but always wondering if his best wasn't going to be good enough, the horrible spectre of divorce haunting him with every step.

This was my thought as well. One of the most stunning things to me when my ex left was that I always assumed that if I tried my hardest to do everything in my power to keep her happy, we would be together forever. I didn't realize that she was a bucket with a hole in the bottom. I think the fact that I did try to satisfy her every whim (to the point of being a bit of a doormat in retrospect) made her infidelity, dehumanization and replacement of me even more difficult to accept. I (and society at large, I think) just assumed that it happened because of some major deficiency in me that I was completely blind to.

I would be willing to wager that once the author of that article has a bit more time to dissect what happened in his marriage (assuming that his ex cheated on him and left for another man as it sounds), he will rethink his position. I remember feeling this way for months after she left, that there must have been something missing. I don't think there was but trying to figure it out gave me some sense of hope and power that I really never had.

[This message edited by h0peless at 5:28 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 1580 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Really? Because the 1st time I saw it several weeks ago I thought, damn too bad he didn't learn all that before he destroyed his marriage by cheating. Guess I'm a lot more cynical than you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this is a double standard. She doesn't have to earn your love, yet you have to earn hers?

Yeah, that is a load of crap. I don't believe healthy relationships are about "earning" love - they're about giving love.

When I read the article, I thought it sounded like a man that was cheated on and she left and put all the blame on him. Hard to know for sure.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:24 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4928 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is too fluffy for me. Sounds like he needs some serious IC for a while. I mean, it's nice 'n all that, who wouldn't like it if a man had the intention of holding his woman's heart & love sacred? Still, it's just too fluffy for me. Then again, I'm severely damaged and may never be capable of a relationship with a man again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9317 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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