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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it middle ground I'm looking for?
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something that I've thought about often. Depending on my mood, I might lean more towards one answer over the other. I honestly don't know which one I'd prefer, if neither of them are good or healthy, and if there is a another direction I should be going in.

WH's A was with a coworker. While they do not work for the same group or are in the same room anymore, they still work for the same company. The lab she works in is 3 doors down from his office. WH has been able to avoid contact or sightings of her pretty well. He finds ways to get out of meetings and has told me that if there isn't an excuse to get out if it (or if there is a surprise training or meeting and OW is there), that he would just leave or not go. Is there truly NC? Not really. She really can pop in at any moment. He can turn the corner and she can be there. Many are of the opinion that without full NC, there can not be true reconciliation. And most of me believes that. I don't feel safe. It keeps the A in the forefront of my mind. I don't even want to think about if he saw her and where his first thoughts would jump to. So, he can leave. But with him leaving comes more losses. For example, we couldn't afford to have another child. Then isn't that letting her take that from me? Losing another dream just to get away from her. How many times have you heard that the best revenge is a life well lived. Wouldn't him staying there and her getting to see our family thrive in how much he has changed and loves me, watching our family grow, and seeing us not have to give up more to be away from her and having everything we wanted, revenge enough? But then I think by living like that and knowing it's also "revenge" it means I'm letting her and the A take up too much space in my head. Obviously I would have to really damn trust him to be ok with him staying there. But it's a total catch 22. What do I need to prove that? Time...and time there.

So this isn't a giant problem at the moment. Just would like to hear your thoughts. Maybe point something out I'm not seeing.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

What am I doing?


Posts: 1554 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not a giant problem, but it is a chronic one. I share a similar one.

My wifes AP drops his kids off at school the same time my wife does. This is how there affair spawned.

He continues to park his truck between our home and the school. Everyday my wife runs the chance of seeing him...like your husband does his AP. I understand your situation is more constant....my run-ins only happen around 8 am and 3 pm. One of the reasons we bought the home we bought was it is 2 blocks from school...my wife stays home with the kids...she could and does walk them to school.

I have thought about selling our home and moving...just haven't done that....just not sure it will fix what is broken. I have known families to move to get kids out of drugs...only to find they get into drugs at the new town.

It would be nice to get away from triggers....which abound thanks to my wifes active affair life....but is that dispelling a symptom while ignoring the cause?

I seriously don't have an answer for myself or you. Just letting you know I share your concern.

Ultimately, if my wife and I can rise to a level of maturity neither of us has seen before....all of this is a moot point. Right now...at 10:05 pm august 22, 2013...we have much growing to do.

I pray you are further along this maturity scale.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

only to find they get into drugs at the new town.

This is how I see it currently. Hlessons AP wasn't the problem, he was. If he doesn't fix the issue, doesn't matter who he is around, our M isn't safe.

Your H has to fix his issues, the OW isn't the issue anymore. JMHO


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well stated tiredgirl.

Look how quickly and concisely you stated compared to my post.

My lengthy posts display how I interact with my wife...I am trying to be more to the point.

I could learn a thing or two from people like you (and my wife). I think my way of interaction is one reason I am so very tired right now.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:17 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up BS. . . Your posts are always thoughtful.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1347 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are perhaps making some faulty assumptions to get to the answer you are leaning towards.

It is entirely possible that even if your husband took a drop in pay that within a reasonable amount of time that he could make it up. Also, you could modify your standard of living if having another baby is so important to you. I mean, you probably shouldn't be thinking about it in the next year or two, anyway.

I would think him changing jobs is the best thing to do. The rest sound like rationalizations for not rocking the boat.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1347 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH just moved his office yesterday from the OW. They were 30 ft from each ther, now they are in separate buildings.

I don't know if it is an option for you, but my WH told his manager and HR. and they were extremely accommodating and things moved really fast. They told him that it was not the first nor the last, and they don't want grounds for a law suit, so with a week locations and his team changed. They kept it confidentical and were able to make justification to the company why strategically it made sense. So unfortunately, there are a few more people who know, but I will take that over the day to day contact.

He has been there 16 years and is higher on the food chain. Ow had not even been there a year, so it was a humbling experience for my WH to be the one to change.

The change was necessary for both of us. I won't reconcile while they have day to day contact or even a chance to "pop in" to their offices or cross in hallways, etc. He needed to get away from the daily reminder of what he did to his family


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 394 | Registered: Jul 2013
Brokenhearted18
♀ New Member
Member # 39453
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Tired Girl. The issue is with your H.


You can not adjust the wind.
But you can adjust the sail.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: S.California
Topic Posts: 8

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