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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tried to fuck a bottle of Templeton tonight. Not working, still can't sleep. The WW is working on a detailed timeline. We are just over 18 months and finally I am getting this. Truth is I am scared shitless. Scared of what I will read. Scared of what I might do. Our 11th anniversary is also this coming week. Lets see- married 11 years and she was only fucking another dude for 3 of those. So I got that gong for me...which is nice.

I don't know if I have the strength to go through the details, but it is killing me not to know. Sorta a catch 22 thing. Either way I am fucked.


God damn all of this shit to hell. I wish I never knew who you assholes were. Fuck.

[This message edited by slater13 at 4:36 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slater, at this point, it is very frightening to think about getting the truth, and how much worse it might be than what you have imagined. I can give you some reassurance that if you are scared by this at this point, it is because you can imagine some really awful shit. I will tell you that knowing the truth, no matter how bad, is a relief because it lets you put your imagination away. You don't have to go through every event in your life, every location you visit, every fucking thing you encounter for the rest of your days, wondering how it might be tied to her affair.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain and fear Slater. I too wanted to know everything. I didn't want her to have any secrets. I thought knowing would calm my mind.

In my case it didn't. It had the opposite effect for me. It was primarily through texts that my mind would repeat particularly awful exchanges between them over and over and over in my head. But then again it didn't help that my STBXWW was practicing the literary prose to become a phone sex operator at the time.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't know the truth. You should. I guess it depends on what you plan to do with it. It may relieve you to know it was more predictable than you imagined or it may fuel the fire to hear that nothing was excluded. If you are looking for reasons to exit the M it is likely you'll find something to focus on. Just be careful.

Good luck to you as you tackle that task.

Our household has calmed down a little bit. The boys are calmer. We've spent all weekend together and they seem much better. I met with a realtor and will put the house on the market next week. My STBXWW is moving to an apartment near by next Saturday. She has tentatively agreed to joint custody. She is starting to act more sad than angry now. I do feel sorry for her to a degree.

then it hits. She fucked another dude.
This is the one thing that for the last week or so since I decided to D that HAS NOT crossed my mind. It is the same thing that nagged me every single day for the last 19 months. I'm quite relieved to see that period of my life coming to a close. My mind wasn't intended to be used to obsess over a POSER. I may not be the brightest guy around, but I have a lot more to offer and use my mind for than that.

I traded in my paid off AMG Mercedes so that she could get out of the upside down loan we had on GMC for a new Honda with really low payment that she will be able to handle. I loved that car and thought I'd keep it forever, but you know it was just a car. I now know she has something reliable to transport the little guys.

I think one of the blessings that this infidelity struggle has taught me is that very little is as important to me as I once thought it was. My kids mean everything and genuine, authentic and loyal relationships would come in second. Everything else is replaceable and irrelevant.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 6:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slater))) I'm sorry man. A detailed timeline of a 3-yr LTA is a fuckedup bunch of cliffnotes.
Can she give it to you in small bites? Would that help? I have no fukin clue. One thing, just imagining what I would do...I'd go to someplace pretty far away, somewhere I don't visit often (if at all) - a park or something - to read it alone.
Might that help?
Just keep posting man, we def got your back.

tc - with you on the irrelevant "things". I wanted nothing to do with the entire contents of a large house & paid to ship them to her. "Here, take it all" was my mindset. I sat in this little place with its yellowed walls for awhile before I got the notion to paint the walls a two-toned blue, get some colorful artwork to hang on them, some plants, in short - to heal, to make something my own. I had been lusting after a clk for years and finally pulled the trigger - almost 1 yr ago. pretty sure I'll never have, or have the desire for, any other car. Acquiring a thing or two - after letting it all go (twice, actually), has been a symbol for me - not only of survival - too, a little bit of thrive for spice.
Hug those kids.

sunsets - no doubt TN watched WKU whip UK last week, and took them seriously. WKU is noooo slouch, but I think those shiny helmets should be illegal hehe...

For the rest of the gang, have a good laugh guys, it's cheaper than going to the doctor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1r3Dn_Gy7GI&feature=youtu.be


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
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Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mind wasn't intended to be used to obsess over a POSER. I may not be the brightest guy around, but I have a lot more to offer and use my mind for than that.

TC
Your hard core bro. The above sentence sums it all up. Holding on to the shattered remains of a marriage. Afraid to let go and drift into the abyss. The unknown. But once you do peace and serenity settles in. The movies start to go away. The promise of a new beginning settles in.
That is the struggle. Why do we beat a dead horse and try to rescusitate love that's lost.
She fucked another guy but on top of it all lied and deceived. She's proven she's capable and may do it again.
Why do we continue down a path filled with potential trip wires, booby traps. Explosive situations that threaten our health and well being.
I'm following you closely TC. Your a pathfinder. Your answering questions and I appreciate you posting your experience here.
I have a BMW I love and a gorgeous home. I don't want to give up either but your doing it. Your leading by example and allowing me to examine things more closely. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to make the moves your making but you already seem to be making strides with your attitude.
I always believed that if I let go all the mental nonsense would stop and I could utilize that energy more efficiently towards my kids and community and just get on with life. Once I cut off the cancer, the betrayed I can be whole otherwise I've agreed to a life sentence of deceit.
Right now things seem ok between me and WW but the A is always under the surface. She can be perfect from here on out but I still in some ways see her as a phony and I'm still very wary of her. I don't think it will ever change.
Stay strong TC and thanks for the update.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:59 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids mean everything and genuine, authentic and loyal relationships would come in second. Everything else is replaceable and irrelevant.

Well said, TC.

Right now things seem ok between me and WW but the A is always under the surface. She can be perfect from here on out but I still in some ways see her as a phony and I'm still very wary of her. I don't think it will ever change.

B444, I think that's the biggest obstacle we have to overcome if we want to R. Maybe it is a life sentence. Veterans like WAL, 1985 and MoreWould can give us a long-term perspective. I'm sure it gets much better over time, but the fact that guys continue to post here many years, even decades after D Day suggests to me that the A remains a part of your life, forever.

On the other hand...good food, good beer, good friends and good sex can also remain a part of your life forever, so it's not all bad. We still have our children. It's what we choose to do with life's obstacles that define us.

ETA: Yeah I know, easier said than done. But I'm having a good weekend so far and will roll with that feeling as long as I can.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:59 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
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Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I'm having a good weekend so far and will roll with that feeling as long as I can.

Right on, Sal!


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, I think that's the biggest obstacle we have to overcome if we want to R. Maybe it is a life sentence. Veterans like WAL, 1985 and MoreWould can give us a long-term perspective. I'm sure it gets much better over time, but the fact that guys continue to post here many years, even decades after D Day suggests to me that the A remains a part of your life, forever.

Right on Sal, time on target as usual.
I've had females cheat on me before. Almost everyone I know has. Where are those women now? Who knows, who cares. Not even a thought about them and when I do recall past relationships I remember the good times. Shit one of them was an absolutely awesome lay. Actually still the best but dropped her and moved on. She tried to come back and I turned it down, I was dating current WW. Of course it wasn't easy but I got over it. No regrets. Same with first wife. Ramble on. Became a better person, made a lot more money and a lot more successful. I met other women. It was like trading in a yugo for a few Mercedes. I didn't miss a beat. Actually in hindsight every time I moved on I kept getting better.
I don't think this will ever go away. Maybe there is a point that we attempt R and believe that's what we want at first and then wake up and realize we don't want R. WW is busting her ass and maybe trying or maybe not so much so but we don't anymore. Maybe we force ourself to believe we want R because it is easier. Maybe were too lazy to forge ahead. WW is putting out and cleaning house, taking care of the kids but
She fucked another dude
Totally unsat and it eats away at you. You push it aside. Tell yourself things are ok now. Like your WW's biggest ally now. It's like serving beside the Afghan nationals.... Which one is going to shoot you and when? Do I have to always be on guard now and yet continue to love. I'm friggin dubious about EVERYTHING she does now. Not healthy at all and yet were expected to drop everything, be civil, avoid infringing upon the past and in spite of all that concentrate on our children, maintain our jobs and livelihood, step out with a big confident smile on our faces proclaiming our wives are the bomb. Seriously doesn't it eat at you when you think about that. I had a picture posted of me and my boys first day of school. One response was that I had a perfect family. No shit. It was like a kick in the gut. My boys and I are perfect together. WW wanted to know why I have t posted pics of ALL of us. I don't have an answer. Last year I did, first day of school, our perfect family Pre Dday. I was proud of that pic. Now not so much.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW wanted to know why I have t posted pics of ALL of us.

Wow. Sounds as if she likes kicking the hornet's nest!
The heck.

Makes me want to tell you to write:
Because you fucked another guy

on a slip of paper, keep it in you wallet & just hand it to her and walk away.

I think you're going to need multiple copies for this one.

Not a bad idea, think about it - after a few repeats, she will be slinking away whenever you reach for your wallet -
now, that's my kind of woman!


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jj, I flat out like that idea.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Later
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Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn TC, I drove an AMG for a few hours. I have to say, it's one fine car. But I hear there are others you can buy later on.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater13 - stay strong during this ordeal. Can't relate at all to what you're going through however. After all these years all I know is the name of one of the scumbags and that they did it a few times. WW is a vault with no key.

I've explained to her, how can I forgive you if I don't know what I'm forgiving? Every BS should be given the option to stay or go based on 100% of the truth, no matter how painful.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a bad idea, think about it - after a few repeats, she will be slinking away whenever you reach for your wallet -
now, that's my kind of woman!

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since Sal invoked me: Your feelings change, assuming your wife doesn't continue to be a self-involved, delusional, demanding douchenozzle for years to come.

If she does, then you probably should have divorced her somewhere along the line.

This, as well as some other recent trends in this thread, reminds me that it's time to bring up one of those topics that has gone fallow for awhile.

One of the biggest obstacles we face is that BH's (really, BS's, but we've got some psychological/sociological dynamic twists of our own) wake up on D-Day+1 with an awareness that the world as we know it has been blown out of the water. It was an illusion. A mirage. Everything that we believed to be true about our wives was, for some period of months or years, a fabrication. It was a lie perpetrated against us, often using our tendency to protect, support, preserve, provide, and trust against us. All of the things that made us desirable as spouses were the things that were exploited -- and entirely too often, those things are now being thrown back in our faces as too little or non-existent (see "blameshifting).

We wake up in a world where our spouse is a liar, a bitch, a whore, a cum-gargling cheat, (insert your own here), etc. Someone who was more than happy to consume resources, cash paychecks, use your assets to buy shoes and lingerie for her lover, while she sat around on her fat ass and bitched to OM and her friends about what a deadweight you were, dragging her down into the depths and otherwise making her miserable.

And yet, in her mind, she's still the princess. She's still entitled to the regard, respect, protection, provision, care, blah, blah, blah, that she was claiming two days ago. Her expectations haven't changed, because she convinced herself that she was entitled to all the best you had to offer even while she was giving the absolute least and talking herself into the entitled position that she was giving 90% of the relationship effort.

That's where the core of your conflicts are going to come from. Despite the fact that she had no intention of holding up her end of the bargain, she very much expects you to meet the same standard she has always held for you. She'll say stupid shit like, "You promised to take care of me when we got married"...but if you counter with "And you promised not to fuck other people", she's going to say that you're throwing her affair in her face. (See TC's recent bout of "how could u do this to the children!!!" for talking about divorce.)

She's used to be Queen of Two Cocks. That's her reality. You provide one cock and all of her support structures. WW's seem to be incredibly slow at getting around to sitrep updates. They stick with outdated intelligence until the artillery zeroes in on their bunker.

Even when they're still lying. Even when they're still in contact with OM. Even when they're in false R and they fucking know it.

They're still playing by the pre-D-Day script until they really start digging deep and looking at how they could talk themselves into using other people for the sole purpose of stuffing as many dicks as they can into their vag (or getting emotional fulfillment, learning some deep and essential life lesson, healing her inner child, having her unmet needs met or whatever other euphemism your particular WW has selected as her emotionally relevant alternative terminology to cock-gobbling).

She's going to insist that she's the entitled princess and really start to bare her fangs if you insist on rocking the boat. (I tried to mix one more metaphor in there to make that sentence completely incomprehensible, but I drew a blank. Deal with it.)

She does not understand why anything has to change (unless it's to get better and better and better!) just because she was a fucking liar and ass-banged porn slut for for a few months.

I really used to think that this sort of thinking was just dumbasses being manipulative (where it wasn't just idiots being idiots), but that thinking has become more nuanced over the years. I used to fundamentally reject the addiction model of infidelity -- mostly because so many WS's wanted to claim it fresh out of the affair and use it as an excuse for being a dumbass for so long, then completely fail to embrace the "Hi, I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic...even though I haven't had a drink in 30 years" wisdom of the 12-step model. But I'm gradually changing my mind on that score.

See, the funny thing about addicts is that the deeper you get into addiction, the more normal the abnormal starts to look. You go from not drinking before happy hour, but then putting away of fifth of vodka between 5 PM and bedtime to having it seem perfectly acceptable to start drinking at 7 AM. The next thing you know, it's not that odd to be waiting in your car for the liquor store to open every morning. When I worked in addictions, I'd have conversations with our clients where I'd be like, "I've had the same six pack of beer sitting in my refrigerator for two months", and that would completely blow their minds. They had simply been involved with their addiction -- and in an environment of addiction, because addicts cluster -- for so long that the idea of not being interested in alcohol was unfathomable to them.

When your WW spends enough time talking herself into an entitlement where you hold up your end of the marital bargain, while she sits on her ass, gains a hundred pounds, bitches at your lack of household support after you come home from work, all while gorging herself on a buffet of random cocks from the unemployed guys hanging out at the community pool with her all day...she's not going to just wake up one morning and see how unreasonable that is. She's the sort of person who deserves a buffet of cocks, and you're damned lucky to have her. (And woe to you if you even look twice at that 20-something hottie who just started in clerical. After all, she took a couple of hours out of her cock-cramming schedule a few years ago to grunt out those kids *you* were so desperate to have. What more do you want? Ungrateful bastard. She's *still* trying to drop the baby weight she picked up with your 10 year old.)

She might have forgotten her vows -- and continue to forget them while she's bitching to her girlfriends and mooning over OM -- but she still considers yours completely intact and herself as the arbiter of whether or not you're keeping them. She expects you to stick to the fucking script she's been writing for you for the last decade...or, really, the script she's been writing since she was fucking five years old, long before you ever came on the scene.

Your WW is an unreliable narrator. She's simultaneously a princess, and Cinderella in the ash pits, waiting for her true inner-specialness to be discovered. You're the bit player in her story: sometimes the evil stepmother, sometimes the knight in shining armor. You're a stuffed shirt, a role in her drama, a mirror to reflect the image she wants to see.

That's why you have to be your own man. That's why you have to have your own boundaries. You've had your worldview shattered. Everything is up for grabs -- and she's going to work her ass off to reconstruct a worldview for you that BENEFITS HER AGENDA EVEN MORE than the one where she's Queen of Two Cocks. If she can get you to paint yourself as the villain and the cause of the narrative derailment, chances are that she's going to take it (see Blameshifting).

You have the right to demand she stop being a stupid, fatass, lazy cow. She's going to moo about it.

Let her. Cows are allowed to moo. They can't help it. They're fucking cows.

Even when abnormal has become normal, people hate to change. Your WW is going to react negatively to any change that she doesn't orchestrate. She's fighting to keep her Queen of Two Cocks worldview intact.

What's our takeaway here?

Rock the boat.
Make your demands.
Get what you need.
Don't settle for less.

You're not the only one who should come out of this battle with a shattered worldview.

If she's not changing, then she's changing *you* every day that you stay with her.

Every day that she believes she's entitled to be the princess despite how many weeks, months, years she was chillin' with the ho's at the whorehouse, she's training you to be her footman. Every day she's the only one who gets to make demands on what you give, what you get, and what's reasonable in a better.than.evah marriage, she's training to eat the shit sandwich and like it.

You're better than that.

Her? Until she proves otherwise, she's the fucking gutter-whore addict who can't put the crack pipe down for more than a couple of days at a time. Are you really going to let someone like that give you solid advice on how to handle your shit better than you can do on your own? Someone who can't go a week without an e-mail, a text message, a phone call, or a cock from some random guy to fill her love bank? Is that the sort of person you want helping you make the hard, far-sighted moral and ethical choices for your life and give you insight into all the ways you're failing to reach your potential?

This post has been brought to you by my latest self-help series "Friends Don't Let Friends Get Played by Hos".


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
nuance
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Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, that's hilarious! But I'm trying to think about a buffet of vaginas to clean my mind now.

But, I have to say - it seems you side stepped the question and went on a tangent. A truthful and hilarious tangent but a tangent none the less.

The A stays with you forever like when you lose a loved one. It is a life changing event - the assumptions you had about life were wrong. And not just assumptions about tomorrow's weather. Core assumptions that relate to your most sacred principles.

I have a great life now. I'm happy, we're happy. But the red pill was forced on you and you can never go back to the matrix again.

The other reason I stay in this site is that infidelity fascinates me because is one of the things I have no empathy. I'm finally watching breaking bad now. I can empathize with killing one that will kill you and your entire family if you let him escape from the basement. But I can't empathize with infidelity so I read everything I can to at least try to understand it.

[This message edited by nuance at 11:18 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
stilllovingher
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Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to think of it not as side-stepping the question, but as answering the one that was posed, *then* going off on a tangent. ;)

The question, as I understood it, was whether or not you stop looking at your wife as a delusional bitch or the marriage as a post-infidelity morass eventually. My experience is that you do. You get over it. I don't think about my wife as a former wayward 99% of the time, and I don't think of my marriage as one that has reconciled after infidelity. I'm just...married.

Everything else was bonus material.

Yes, the A changes things and you for all time, but after awhile, the changes are just a given, part of the world you inhabit. You stop giving much day to day weight to the catalyst for those changes. At least I did. The best way I can describe it is that infidelity was a factual truth about my past, but it's not an emotional truth anymore. It's in the bin of "shit that's happened to me", sort of like my bout with encephalitic meningitis or my trip to Europe in 2005...or even my first marriage when I was 19.

The big reason I keep coming back here is to help new guys see that having a cheating wife isn't a death sentence for you future life and happiness. Plus, I just keep finding dudes I like to hang out with.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:46 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

having a cheating wife isn't a death sentence for you future life and happiness.

If it's a life sentence then, write in poetry - with your own special flourish.
.
.
.
.
.

flourish, is that even a man-word?


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent, excellent post WAL. You always seem to hit the nail on the head. You definitely have your finger on the pulse of the wayward situation. You put it in a clarity that is easy to relate to.
If I decided to eventually call it a day and leave my WW. If I put this all behind me and met someone else. If I "traded up" so to speak I don't know if I would ever come back here. My therapy would be complete when I DTB( dumped that bitch). Not that she's a bitch but you know what I mean.
I would definitely want to help others in this situation. I wouldn't want to abandon anyone and I would want to contribute strength but I think I would forget again. I would be involved in a new beginning.
I write this with absolutely no disrespect. I have a whole file cabinet filled with your philosophies and they have been invaluable. Your a beacon of light. A lighthouse showing the way through the storm and hopefully one day the seas will be calm and I can move on.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No disrespect taken, man. I understand what you mean -- and I think moving on eventually is even the best outcome for most people. If you're not careful, staying in an environment of processing trauma can keep the trauma alive and active.

It seems to me that the guys (and gals) who have stayed around for years, long after they've recovered (either through reconciliation or divorce), see it more like a calling or a volunteer opportunity than a form of therapy. I got so much great help and support when I first showed up here from some of the veteran guys, the only way I feel like I can honor them adequately is to help the guys coming up. You've probably noticed that something like 90%+ of the posts I've made in the last year are in this thread. Some guys who stay focus on JFO, because that's where their heart is and they feel like that's where they can be the most help. Some guys hang in recon. Those who hang around tend to find their niche, and the message they absorbed that most assisted with their healing.

At that point, you're not really sharing your trauma so much as your answer to trauma. You're sharing your angry fist raised to the heavens that declared victory over your circumstances, in the hope that it might make the next guy's journey a little easier and his load a little lighter.

I also think part of it comes down to online habits. Everybody comes out of this with a message and a set of survival skills. Some guys are going to be shit-ton better at communicating those strategies face-to-face and one-on-one. Some guys turn into Mort Fertel. I feel like I communicate best when I'm writing, so an online forum is a good platform for helping -- whereas you strike me as the type of guy who would throw your arm around a buddy who just found out his wife was cheating, take him to a bar, and lay it out straight for him over a few beers. I'd wither in that environment, because I'm not as good at organizing my thoughts on the fly verbally. I'd spend the whole time worrying about all the important shit that I was leaving out.


Machiavellian idiot savant

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