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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two thumbs up: one for the Crom image, the other for the epic Craigslist story.

It's probably not a true story, but it's true in the mythological sense, which is close enough for me.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kg201

I completely understand not being involved in your WW's treatment. At a certain point you emotionally check out and thats that. Sounds like she already checked out herself. You owe her nothing at this point. And if your suspiciouns about the AP and your WW's plans are true, then she has all the support she needs.
I really feel for your son too. What a tough place for him to be in. He loves both of you and it's hard to see our parents as flawed, let alone as selfish destructive people(ie, your WW). I hope he is able to work through these tough times and come out ok.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't usually go for the fruity ones, but this shit is good on a hot afternoon, and summer seems to winding down a little here, so before fall fully sets in, this weekend I'm going with....

LosferWords,
What you got this weekend?

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:44 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW also told me her relationship with the AP finally made her feel like an adult. So according to them being an adult means lying, cheating, and denying all of the values you grew up with? Nice model for our kids.

Well stated, kg. It's more likely that her A allowed her to escape from the world of adult responsibilities. She just doesn't see her behavior for what it is because her perception is so skewed.

To her credit, my wife admitted early on that an escape from the adult world was the primary lure of her affair. And I agree with her. I saw the escapist behavior during the A - drinking, dancing, acting like a sorority girl.

Affairs come at all ages and stations in life, but to me there's a special cruelty to the MLC affair for the betrayed spouse. It often hits when the BS thinks he or she has things figured out. For me it was a career I love, good earnings, 4 healthy kids, a nice house, a dog, a decent auto for the first time in many years, got a vasectomy (wife hates the pill) so no birth control worries, good neighbors, a wife who was aging very gracefully and who I loved regardless, etc.

Then seemingly out of nowhere I have a 40-year old wife who's out drinking and dancing and acting half her age. She embarrassed me at parties a few times. Before I know it I have a 41-year old wife confessing to a 10-month affair with a lowlife from her past who she reconnected with at a dance club...after I caught her, of course.

It completely rocks your world. Nothing makes sense anymore. You can't enjoy any of the things you feel that you've earned through years of devotion and hard work. Your past all of a sudden feels empty and meaningless, at least the part that included your wife. Instead of looking forward to a prosperous and peaceful second half of your life, you're faced with uncertainty and the possibility of being divorced and broke, at least in the short term.

We're reconciling, but damn, what a blow. It will take years to shake this off.

Didn't mean to jack your space on this thread, kg, but when I saw the age of your WW - the big 4-0 - I thought damn, it figures. It's amazing how many obviously dysfunctional people manage to hold it together into their late 30's to late 40's, before going off the rails. And when they go off the rails, they aren't half-assed about it, either.

That's my rant for the day, gents. Thanks for listening.

Sending strength, kg.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rye,
Thanks for the thoughts. It's not so much that I have checked out, because I do still worry about her, and what the kids will go through when her health really does deteriorate. I told her that I wouldn't be an errand boy while she kept the other guy as her "spouse". So it is a move for self-preservation, even though The health issue is probably the key issue that I struggle with internally.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sal. I was wondering how much the age thing played a role in my wife's case. Her AP is in his 50s. Her affair predates her metastatic cancer diagnosis a year ago, but it has played a huge role in her decision not to work on our marriage, and her choice to stay with the AP. She blames my "erratic behavior" since dday on her deteriorating health. She blamed my reactions to her affair for a bacterial infection that landed her in the hospital. Not quite sure how that works, but that is what she said.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DR - That Wild Blue is some good shit, and packs a whallop at 8%, too!

I'm looking forward to fall, and picked up a twofer (Canadian word for "case of beer" that I learned from one of my Canadian SI pals) of this:

I'm going to have to hold off for a bit, because I have to pick my son up from the grandparents this evening, but I'll have a few cold Hofbräu Oktoberfestbiers waiting for me when I get home.

Cheers dudes!


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@kg - That is some seriously heavy stuff you are dealing with. Sounds like some heavy duty blameshifting as well. You are a good man for everything you have done so far. Remember - you have to take care of you, too. We're here for you to lean on, too. Take care.

Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kg, any and every excuse. doesn't have to make sense to anyone but her. it's her make believe world after all.

They will get wilder. Just wait for the "you made me do it".

Always loved that one.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then seemingly out of nowhere I have a 40-year old wife who's out drinking and dancing and acting half her age. She embarrassed me at parties a few times. Before I know it I have a 41-year old wife confessing to a 10-month affair with a lowlife from her past who she reconnected with at a dance club...after I caught her, of course.

My wife never did go that far. We did have the talks about how she felt like she never got to experience life and didn't know what else was out there and that's why she was moving on. At the time I accepted that, I mean we met when we were 16. I don't think I have ever actually been on what you'd call a date with anyone else. I was 'dating' another girl before her for about a month or so but that didn't really go anywhere. I kissed her a few times but anymore not getting a beej by 4 years old doesn't count or something. So while I didn't really miss not experiencing that, I understood where she was coming from. I thought it was shitty, don't get me wrong, but I got to where I accepted it. Hell I even got a little excited about The Big Unknown once I finally let go of everything. Here Is Life About To Happen kind of stuff. In fact I remember my turning point on that was freaking out about dating. I dunno how to date. Will my penis even work near another woman? WHAT IF MY PENIS DOESNT WORK. I swear to fucking Crom I was in the kitchen thinking this when my calm new monologue voice stepped in, shushed everything and said: "Man, don't be stupid. You don't ever have to be near another woman ever again if you don't want to."

The most obvious things in the world are hard to see when you are wading through that craziness. Anyway, I'm sure she really did feel like that. Though there was the whole fucking another guy thing going on, too. That was the wrench in the works when it came to acceptance. It was like I had un-accepted this shit against my will. Like I was standing at the edge of Lake Moving The Fuck On and Yoda appears in his little blue fucking force ghost form and says "ACCEPTANCE YOU HAVE BEEN WRONG IN ACCEPTING YOUNG DUMBFUCK" and does his yoda thing and says "TAKE THIS SHIT AND SMOKE IT I SHALL" and he sails off in his little fucking force ghost boat getting high while I'm standing there yelling "FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE GREEN MOTHER FUCKER PEACE IS A LIE" and then I understand: the lightsabers are euphemisms.

Thors asscrack, what the fuck am I on about. I need this day to end already.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DR,

Ooops...hit enter on accident there.

Anyway...

DR,

That Wild Blue looks awesome. I'll have to look for that our here.

As for me, I will be cleaning out the fridge of my remaining Leinenkugel's Oktoberfest. Along with a few Shock Top Lemon Shandy's

[This message edited by RyeBread at 3:19 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wait for the "you made me do it".
That was my personal favorite too.

"You made me fall in love with another man!"

I haven't heard that erratic behavior causes bacterial infections, but it sure sounds plausible. It couldn't be a compromised immune system.

But my new favorite quote was when my STBXWW reacted to my request for a D.

"Who in their right mind does this to the children?"

Blame-shifting to the very she's going to do her best to make it bitter end.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry KG, hope I wasn't being too presumptuous. I am sure you still care to a degree, hard not to. I guess maybe what I meant to say is that there is no dishonor if you did check out.

As far as age goes. My STBXWW started her A a couple years after we got married. She would have been about 31-32 at the time. She still has issues going out and acting like some 16yr old girl who just got drunk for the first time. I stand and look in amazement. It's quite humiliating when I had to literally carry her out the doors to the car, all the while her asking if we could stop by McD's for a happy meal, not even kidding.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Who in their right mind does this to the children?"

Hmmm, a good response might be "no one." But I doubt she'd catch your meaning.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's probably not a true story, but it's true in the mythological sense, which is close enough for me.
Myth and Allegory are often so much better than real life as media for relaying messages and morals anyway, methinks.

On the subject of WWs saying they felt "like an adult" with the AP, or during the affair, my sense is that they are 100% telling the truth. As younger people, they imagined life as an adult as late-night cocktail parties, mid-morning brunches, hanging out at cafes with their friends, and exciting, carefree times. So time spent with their AP during the A certainly did match up with what they thought adulthood would be.

They probably watched too much "Friends", too, but that's probably just me thinking that.

They may also have wanted children, a husband and a family, but they never quite melded the two together into something realistic....and so I've begun to believe more and more that oftentimes WWs understand the 'work', 'dedication', and 'commitment' of marriage in the same way that a young kid 'understands' the responsibilities of having a new puppy....in the abstract sense, not ever thinking about the (oftentimes) crushing weight of the responsibility involved. I mean, I love being married, having a family, and having kids, but there can be (on occasion) a confining sense of claustrophobia, ESPECIALLY when shit starts to get tough and the seas get choppy. There are real people who depend on you...tiny people, and it's your job to make sure that you continue obtaining little green rectangles to buy goods to put into their little head-holes. Gauntlet Voice: "Little FacePunched <Needs Food Badly>"

It's a lot of pressure, and some people can't take it.

I think the difference between the BS and WS is that we (the BSs) knew getting in that it wasn't going to be all sunshine and leprechauns fucking in pots o' gold at the end of rainbows, and so when shit got tough (or super tough), we said to ourselves, "This sucks for now, but I half-expected it."

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:02 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GAUNTLET

That was such an awesome game.

Taking a brief detour from my bitching I want to say I am looking forward to seeing my wife tonight. We're over 3 years out now and this is our 13th anniversary weekend. Wasn't sure we were going to have our 10th. Things will always be just a little bit fucked up but if life wasn't at least a little fucked up I would have thirty billion dollars in the mattress. In ones. No, quarters. Thirty billion dollars in quarters. So I could swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend and enjoys the beer friday.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
MoreWould
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Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP

Nailed it again dude.

When I Found Out, I knew immediately that I had just bit off the end of a big shit sandwich. I was pissed that I had to eat it all right, but I knew in the first nanosecond that it was going to be tough.

Conversely, when FWW started her A, she was just expecting to "have a little fun", in her words. She was shocked and awed when the shit hit the fan and that some Bad Times were going to be a consequence.

Of course, picking up a theme that runs through BMenz, I started immediately trying to figure out how to fix our M, or at least fix me. Expected it to be harder than rebuilding a truck engine. She, on the other hand, was surprised to discover that she had to pull her own weight. Who knew?

T/J myself. Sitting in the steam room after a lunch workout, got to talking with a gym buddy about our upcoming weekend. Guy talk. We agreed that one of the coolest things in life is going to the dump with a trailer full of crap, and snaking that trailer backwards between another truck and a steel post, on a curve. When you nail it, it is almost better than sex.

There's a lot of shit W will never be able to do.

It's a lot of pressure, and some people can't take it.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:19 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They may also have wanted children, a husband and a family, but they never quite melded the two together into something realistic

FP, this made me think about something my wife has been accusing me for years, even before her affair began. She has forever accused me of not wanting to be in our marriage and having a family. She would say that since we got married so young I never got to sow my oats, and at she felt guilty for tying me down. And now I am wondering if for all those years she was just blameshifting ( not sure if that is the right word before an affair), and she was projecting her own immaturities on me. Despite my sticking by her through two tough pregnancies, her law school, her first cancer diagnosis at 31, adopting a third child because she wanted one or else, and then a year of hell with the metastatic cancer this past year, and I was blamed for not wanting to be in the marriage. Sheesh. I may be better off now. At least moving forward her shit is on her.

[This message edited by kg201 at 4:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rye, It is damn good give it a try, think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

All of this bad behavior reminded of one time when...
She planned a evening at a friends and really just needed me along as her DD, whatever that didn't bother me. Before though she threw a fit just like a high schooler needing permission to go to a party with her friends. GOt the whole this is really important, you never support me, yada yada yada. Finally agreed, got my parents to watch the kids. Next thing I know I'm pissed as hell picking the kids up at 4:00 in the morning because I couldn't get her to leave. I felt like an irresponsible parent, I hated it. Didn't even phase her. She couldn't comprehend why picking up our kids at 4 was bull shit. She didn't care, she was just looking to have fun and that's all that mattered.

SG:
Don't forget your goggles, swimming through quarters can burn the shit out of your eyes.

she was projecting her own immaturities on me

KG, that's exactly what is was, I got a lot of that too while the A was active.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys make interesting points. I look back at some of the strange things my wife said to me through the years, like "It would hurt if you cheat on me, but I'd forgive you" and "I'll stay loyal to you even after you die" (background: her grandmother lost her husband while still in her 40s, and never remarried or seriously dated). My reply to the former was "well, you don't have to worry about that" and to the latter "I'll be gone anyway and would want you to be happy."

Well, faithful for life lasted about 16 years, and I still haven't cheated on her, so nothing for her to forgive.

I thought those comments were a little strange, but I just didn't see at the time that they were signs of warped thinking and deep insecurities. Her grandfather was a pedophile who committed suicide while in his 40s, and his enabling wife stayed loyal to him until she died well into her 80s. Her father had 2 affairs, the last was an exit affair. He divorced her mother and his children at the same time. Later, her mother became an OW to a prominent man in town. One uncle knocked up his AP, another had a 2-year affair that eventually caused a divorce. She had no one in her life who was a positive relationship model. Literally no one as far as blood relatives go.

Still, the last thing in the world I expected was to catch her cheating on me. Even after a year or so of erratic behavior, I was blindsided on Feb. 17. My own naivety is just mind-blowing. 7 months ago I had no idea what FOO meant. Now I'm working on a hard-knocks PHD in Infidelity and related subjects.

Fool me once...

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:48 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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