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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so I ask what kinda things do they talk about and proceeds to tell about two married people are going for lunch everyday now.

Mrs. Kite works in the health profession and ended up going out for lunch with one of her patients. One thing led to another and you know the rest of the story...

The thing is I warned her about stuff like this early in our M. But like a bratty teenager she decided, "No one tells me what to do!"

There are no boundaries for a bratty teenager because they think they know better than everyone else. If I could get away with it, I'd claim her as a child deduction on my income tax.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, Mr. Kite hit that one on the numbers... teenaged brat.
On d-day I insisted on no unnecessary contact w/ OM, who WW works with( also healthcare)
Her reply was "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"
Messed up.
And she did an incredible job hiding this part of her until our wedding reception night.

[This message edited by MutedMan at 3:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her reply was "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"

Yup, heard that one as well within the first month of our M, when she announced that she was going to keep working out at the gym with her ex-husband whether I liked it or not.

Another famous saying of hers is "No one knows my business." This turned out to be prophetic.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word! Usually defensiveness over the other partner's concerns means there is some justification to the suspicion.

Can't tell you how many times I voiced concern over friendships and boundaries only to be met with anger or getting it dismissed all together. Pretty soon I quit saying anything since I wasn't being respected. And she wondered why I shut down most the time. I've learned much better coping skills and boundary enforcment since then. Rinse but will not repeat


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her reply was "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"

I wasn't told that, but after expressing concern to my wife about a woman she was hanging out with pre-DDay, she kept right on hanging out with this person. No wonder - she was an affair confidante and my wife's cover for a lot of her affair activity.

But shortly after D Day, I told my wife that she had to go NC with this person, and she complied without putting up a fight. She knew it wasn't optional. Within days I had a list of demands that were met, with a few early hiccups. It was the usual list - NC with OM and people who in anyway enabled the affair, STD testing, change passwords, block calls, etc.

The HB started around the same time. I think a lot of WW's want their BH's to take charge, kick some ass (figuratively at least), and save them from their own destructive behavior. Reassert himself as the alpha, in other words.

That's just a temporary solution, though. Unless the WW owns her behavior and actively tries to repair the damage, there isn't a damn thing the BH can do over the long haul except decide if he can live with things as they are.

I feel for you guys who had foggy and defiant wives in the early going. That's adding insult to injury. I lucked out because my wife had been trying to break off the affair for some time before discovery and wanted to be "rescued", at least subconsciously. She sure made enough careless mistakes and left enough clues for me to find. But if my wife took the "I'll hang out with who I want to" approach after D Day, I think we'd be done.

Of course, before D Day I would have told you that a LTA would be an instant dealbreaker, and here I am almost 7 months later - still married and going to weekly MC sessions. So take my opinions with a grain of salt.

ETA: "I lucked out" - just read my own post and was struck how absurd that sounds. I guess everything's relative.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:30 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Muted, kite, my WW is in healthcare too. Long, long ago I posted about my sense that there is an issue with that industry and fidelity due to its insular nature and often inflated senses of self-importance...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG
Thanks for making my morning. You've got to tell us what kind of coffee your drinking, I could use some of that. I usually use a Pre workout prior to work and then a red bull mid way through.
TC that purity ring is all kinds of fucked up. As if she believes that will put everything to rest because a wedding ring was t good enough.
My WW has actually said to me in the past " your not my father!"
No shit. I'm your husband not your babysitter.
What a soup sandwich.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Exclaimation  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a soup sandwich.

I like this...sorry if i poach this one. Right up there with shiite sandwich minus the bread.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Muted, kite, my WW is in healthcare too. Long, long ago I posted about my sense that there is an issue with that industry and fidelity due to its insular nature and often inflated senses of self-importance...

Mine too, but so am I so there's that. I don't pick on small business owners.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ww in healthcare too.

I have an issue I could use insight on. An old HS girlfriend who is very successful and divored contacted me on linkedIn 2 days ago. We are going to lunch to catch up. I would lose it if my wife did this, but somehow I feel I am OK to go. Of course, I know what I am geting into and have considered what I would do if in any way things get too intimate. But part of me really wants the ego boost.

Right now my plan is to go. Should I tell my wife?

[This message edited by slater13 at 7:07 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater. Tell your wife. It's the right thing to do. The last time I had lunch with a woman not my wife was in Nov. 2010 - my wife was several months into her A. I met an old HS friend for lunch, I've donated to her charity for quite a few years. My wife knew about the whole thing - it's the only way I would do it. If my wife wouldn't of wanted me to meet with her, I probably would of invited my wife to join us. I understand the ego boost - I could use one too. But ask yourself if it's worth your wife's anger if she finds out you decided it was worth asking for forgiveness rather than permission.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Health care. My wife is in pharmaceuticals...love all that travel. Bleah.

Slater, just read your post...
If you are actively working on reconciling, don't go (IMO). Entitled thinking and double standards....seems like wayward thinking to me.

If you are walking out the door, then absolutely.


ETA: What's up you Menz bitches! Super busy with work and family lately, no time to chat Dr. Jones.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine too.

Slater, IMO, lead by example.

Sucks

Wouldn't have been a problem pre A, but now? I don't worry about me in any way. Why give her the excuse?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think lunch with an old flame is dangerous, pre A or not. I think there is always a sexual undercurrent when you have that history.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SLater-

I agree with everyone else. Tell her. Like WB said....if you're actively trying to reconcile, then I think that kind of obligates you to a good-faith effort on your part to not employ a double standard. My guess would be that she's half-expecting you to have an RA anyway (because that's what she would expect herself to do in your shoes), so I'm gonna say not to give her any excuse.

You have the moral high ground, why trade even a little bit of height for a little bit of validation?

ETA

I think lunch with an old flame is dangerous, pre A or not. I think there is always a sexual undercurrent when you have that history.
Agreed. WAL posted something once upon a time that with an ex, you're already aware on some level that given the right set of circumstances (i.e. the both of you being single, or willing to cheat, or whatever) you're willing and able to have sex with another.....and I'm of the opinion that undercurrent is always there. You might not be thinking actively about it, but you both know the score.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:28 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why trade even a little bit of height for a little bit of validation?
This.
Is beautiful.

This
My sitch was different, but not all that different, and in the end, these A’s all rhyme.

is goin in the quote thread.
I spose it figgers.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK- I will tell her tonight. See what she thinks. If she feels threatened I will not go.

I mostly am impressed with what this woman has accomplished professionally. Se kinda had the career path I envisioned for myself.

But I see the danger, which is probably why I posted in the first place. Thanks guys for holding me to the fire.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a good man slater

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for making my morning. You've got to tell us what kind of coffee your drinking, I could use some of that. I usually use a Pre workout prior to work and then a red bull mid way through.

8 o'clock coffee, but when I was exercising regularly I held off until after a morning run or workout because I'd get all kinds of fucked up reflux. I swear I will never fucking put less than two hours between a cup of coffee and deadlift sets EVER THE FUCK AGAIN. Though it does not compare to the stupid I managed one night, eating two whole bowls of spaghetti with marinara sauce ten minutes before leaving for the gym. I think that's some kind of ancient Roman torture. They pump you full of linguini and then make you go all fucking PANKRATION until you cant tell if you're shitting blood or tomato sauce.

Anyway I am now fat and out of shape because every time I try to exercise I pass out and after a couple weeks of that shit I decided getting chores done instead was better. I dont remember what the fuck I started off talking about so I am gonna respond to another quote I meant to.

On d-day I insisted on no unnecessary contact w/ OM, who WW works with( also healthcare)
Her reply was "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"

Early, early, early on in this shit, as in years before dday, I was upset with the time my wife was spending with talking to this dude online. Told her it made me feel uncomfortable and I think I even used the phrase emotional affair, don't remember, whatever. She came back and said I was right and that my feelings as her husband came before the feelings of some random dude on the net.

I have to say that the many years of that kind of manipulation really dug a trench in my head. Maybe a few weeks or months later they were cyber fucking. Just goes to show that it isn't so much about the content but the delivery I guess.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that the many years of that kind of manipulation really dug a trench in my head. Maybe a few weeks or months later they were cyber fucking. Just goes to show that it isn't so much about the content but the delivery I guess.

This happened to me, almost to a T. She was great at manipulating me and I was great at lapping it up like a thirsty dog. This and 1/4 truths were enough to keep me completely in the dark.

Frustrating.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
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