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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't had a chance to play yet. been too busy with work (and skiing).

Yes, the lying is a major fucking issue for me. So is her resisting change. It pisses me off to no end. Blew up on her a few weeks ago about the fact that she wasn't doing shit anymore. So she went out and got a couple of books..which she is reading. But again, this is after I blew up. Nothing fucking proactive, ever.

sure, emails are nice and all, but who gives a shit? Show me a desire to change. Show me that you want to change for you, not because I told you to do something.

I don't know what her issue is with change. She just wants it all to go away so bad, she thinks ignoring it will work. Uh, news flash...ignoring it doesn't do shit.

So when do I make this a boundary? Not sure. I have to do some thinking on it.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. So she went out and got a couple of books..which she is reading. But again, this is after I blew up. Nothing fucking proactive, ever.

sure, emails are nice and all, but who gives a shit? Show me a desire to change. Show me that you want to change for you, not because I told you to do something.

For 8 months after D-day, I got the same. At about the 6 month mark, in spite of the fact that I was getting the *I'm so sorry/never meant to hurt you* routine, I went into a modified 180. Figured piss on her, enough was enough. We ate dinner as a family, but that was about it. Me and the kids, or just me. Freaked her out. Thought I was filing. Asked what she could do.(here's where I modified the 180) I would tell her what my expectations were and what she could do to meet them. Up to her after that. After about 2 months of her basically living a single life in the home, she actually became more proactive. I re-engaged.

My concern with this course of action is that I'm becoming Pavlov. Don't want that in any shape or form. I just don't have any other ideas. She was emotionally abandoned as a child and the CSAB began when she was 12. Anyway, might work for you.

Frustrating place to be. You can see the remorse(?) but they seem to not know how to show it.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frustrating place to be. You can see the remorse(?) but they seem to not know how to show it.

This.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sure, emails are nice and all, but who gives a shit? Show me a desire to change. Show me that you want to change for you, not because I told you to do something.

Bingo.

BTW: skiing < golf. You have to be a really bad golfer to spill your beer.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raise your hand if you've known, deep down inside for many years, that your WW was a little messed up. It could be that she slept with you a little too quickly after you met (chalking it up to your own awesomeness rather than to her promiscuity). Maybe you met her family and saw how dysfunctional they were. Instead of red flags, you marveled at how such a "normal" person could emerge from such chaos. Besides, she's really hot - and that's what counts the most to a guy in his 20s, right?

My wife's affair was a major shock to the system. But more than 6 months after D Day, I realize a few things. First, her FOO is really screwed up. She would have been about the first person in her family not to blow up a marriage. Second, things came a little too easy with her in the early days. Is it really that shocking that things came so easily for the OM? I guess my awesomeness and the ring I put on her finger 17 years ago weren't nearly enough to prevent history from repeating itself.

We're in MC now. She's also getting some IC. She should have started getting IC about 20 years earlier.

In hindsight, her affair isn't that shocking after all. The real shock would have been if she somehow managed to stay married to me for 50-60 years and not behave that way. Or in some other aberrant way. I just couldn't see that until now.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 9:48 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

//Raises Hand//


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hand raised on all counts. I don't believe hindsight is 20/20 but it is not as hazed as "in the moment", and it is a bitch sometimes.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

Damn if you haven't made both of us into bigamists. Married to the same woman all those years and never knew.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raises hand.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married to the same woman all those years and never knew.

Well, it's possible More. As our brother B444 likes to say...they do get around!


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you met her family and saw how dysfunctional they were. Instead of red flags, you marveled at how such a "normal" person could emerge from such chaos. Besides, she's really hot - and that's what counts the most to a guy in his 20s, right?


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, when I met my future W she was a cute college coed who confided in me that she didn't really have time for a boyfriend, so whenever she got horny, she'd just tap a good-looking guy on the shoulder and ask him to fuck. I thought it was cute. Somebody should have warned me.

After we were married, she had the misfortune to run into a predator, who played her like a drum. What I learned later about her FOO issues, and especially ACOA, just about anybody could have.

I guess I should count my blessings that her A shocked her into getting her shit together while she still could.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember early in our relationship (when I was young, dumb, and full of cum as the saying goes) and thinking that I'd lucked out by getting the only person in the family who wasn't fucked up.

And by D-day had realized that the apple *never* falls far from the tree.

But by 7 years post D-day have come understand the critical difference: my wife was willing to do the work to rise above her FOO, her CSab, etc., and make herself whole and safe. That probably wouldn't have happened without the affair...which is not to say that I'm in any way grateful for it...but I don't think she would have dug deep to fix her shit without having hit that personal rock bottom.

I tell my boys now that when they're dating, to look at the family. Look for stories of dysfunction. Look at mom and see what sort of person she is and how the daughter relates to her (because she's going to be mom in twenty years -- so if you can't stand the mother now, it doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship).

All of that shit matters. No one escapes the molding of their FOO without some horrific choices/consequences along the way.

I mean, they won't go in with their eyes any more open than the rest of us did, but you've gotta try, right?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hand held high


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, me, me....both hands raised


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And by D-day had realized that the apple *never* falls far from the tree.

you marveled at how such a "normal" person could emerge from such chaos

These two things go hand in hand. What an idiot I was!

Shit I could replace the poser with the MIL in some of my "torturous things i'd like to do" dreams and not skip a beat. MIL is just a vile vile person. She can't even be considered a lady so I shouldnt get in trouble with the whole chivalry thing by saying that.

Though my ww may not be my favorite person right now, I hope I never feel the same about her as I do about mil. Maybe thats just cognitive dissonance on my part, hope not.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes on all counts. I actually thought her youngest sister was pretty normal too until she cheated on her husband. Then I REALLY felt lucky! Turns out, my ex may have been the worst of the lot. Maybe the second worst. One of her sisters did time for manslaughter. The bitterness shown by her family towards the family of the guy she killed always bothered me.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad part of all this FOO stuff is that even with the cheating, my WW is STILL the least fucked up one in her family.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jimbo25319
♂ Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ignored all of the FOO red flags.
WW's mother, M'd 3 times. She met her current H when she had an A with him.
WW's biological father abandoned her family when she was 2.
WW's adopted father had an
A and abandoned the family.
WW is a SA survivor who was abused by two very close family members.
WW was very promiscuous as a teenager.

The day before my wedding my sister told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Man I wished I listened to her.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB - I think the 2015 US Open is at a public course up there. I'm in Vancouver (WA) btw


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
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