Do you feel like the latest, ummmm....misstep....by your wife has significantly set you back?
[This message edited by 5454real at 2:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
ETA: It just reaffirms that if she thinks she can get away with it, she has no problems betraying me.
[This message edited by Tred at 2:28 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
is everyone having this inner dialect?
All the time. And for things that have nothing to do with anything consequential. She asked me if I would get her a pen so she wouldn't have to set her laptop down to go get one. In my mind: "Well maybe you should go suck him off, maybe then he would get you a pen." Just mean shit, that inner dialogue is hard to stop even knowing how counter-productive it is in healing the marriage.
What's even worse, I know that giving him that pleasure didn't really gain her anything. Those compliments she was searching for only came before the pay off. After he went back to douchebag grandmaster.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
It just reaffirms that if she thinks she can get away with it, she has no problems betraying me.
Damn Tred. Just wanted to say I am sorry you are in that situation. I know how that feeling is.
is everyone having this inner dialect?
Trust me brothers, it never fucking goes away.
We're over 35 years out, and it still snags me from time to time. I've just learned to not give a shit, most of the time.
The one that really gets me is when somebody goes all gushy about how we're the "perfect couple, have the perfect marriage" yada, yada, yada. Trigger City.
Listen, our M is Good. We'll celebrate our 40th this Fall. We had a couple of kids post-A and they've grown up into good people. I love my wife, I really do.
But when people go off like that, I just want to scream, "Yeah, it's about as good as it gets with a SLUT!"
I thought things in my M had made a turn for the better, that my fWW was starting to get it. I am not so sure lately. Now she has been assigned to write her "story" in full detail. I am patiently waiting. Talking with my IC, we have agreed to put a large amount of stock in her project.
If she comes back with something that took effort and time and shows she really tried, then I think it will do wonders for us. If not, I fear it will signal the end. She has no deadline, but she knows she needs to get to it soon.
What kills me is that she keeps taking on projects for work and groups we are affiliated, but refuses to make our marriage a project.
She quit asking what i was thinking months ago. Too much honesty on my part I guess.
But ultimately, maybe you can never put the genie back in the bottle.
true. But mine never asked me anything at all, so at least your asked a while... no timeline here, can't remember...
but everything feels sullied, tarnished, and diminished - her, our marriage, and me by association.
same here, tarnished really nails it. I guess some folks can polish it, the rest of us make do with tarnish.
Sorry man. Now I didn't say it didn't get better, because it does. Or that I'm sorry I stayed with her, because I am thankful we're still married almost every day. But, it is what it is.
It's as if my W bumped me while I was chopping wood and I lost a finger. The stump would heal, but all the happy thoughts in the world would never grow that finger back. It still might hurt from time to time and you can't scratch what isn't there. Innocence lost or something.
I was visiting my parents the other night. My mom said something about how neither of my W's sisters managed to stay married. I wanted to scream, "That's because they weren't married to ME!" while I was thinking "Most guys wouldn't put up with this shit." FOO runs in the family.
[This message edited by MoreWould at 3:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
I'm glad to say that I came to my senses and realized if I think i have something to prove I've already admitted defeat.
Word. You should post more often dude.
everything feels sullied, tarnished, and diminished
Like they say "You can't polish a turd" (my granddad being one of the "they")
Also makes me think of another one of my favorite quotes:
"The funny thing about that little white speck on the top of chicken shit. That little white speck is chicken shit too."
It doesn't matter how much she changes the dialogue, the chicken shit will always be there. You look at it and say well this speck I'm getting now ain't so bad, it's not nearly as big and I can hardly smell it. At first glance it doesn't even really look like shit. Bahh, doesn't change the fact that its still the same chicken shit.
Apparently Mythbuster's proved you can actually polish a turd. Granddad and I stand corrected.
[This message edited by DefiledRage at 4:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Now she is trying to yield ground only I'm not interested
Sounds like that Mehh feeling I talked about back in BM12, have that feeling all the time.
That's great to read. I told my WW a few months ago that I had nothing to prove to her or her family. Period. She agreed.
'bout the inner dialogue...
I have that too. Yep the 'great family' comments trigger me to hell. I recently shared with WW some inner visions I had of her getting pounded in some hotel room. She didn't get it in the slightest, like I was talking a different language. As one of the Menz posted in JFO today, it is a gender difference issue. See, the sex didn't mean anything to her - she was trying to 'win over' OM and his emotions, and keep the validation coming. To her the sex was probably like monopoly money being spent. It had no value to her and thus not to me either.
That's why you've got to wean a WW off external validation as part of her recovery, because realities point to the fact that it's a wasteland out there for your garden variety cock gobbler. The girls who are actually skilled at it instead of being nebbish amateurs are in Hollywood gettin' paid, Mary Sue.
That's why David Lee Roth and Brian Wilson both wished they could all be California girls, because the rank amateurs just give off the stink of pathetic desperation.
That said, I was clear of the inner dialogue by the four year mark or so -- essentially, at the moment I realized I was using it as a crutch to let myself off the hook when I was grouchy or didn't feel like giving my best effort in the moment. YMMV on that score, but letting the thoughts stay was making me weak or letting me excuse my own weakness, so I had to excise them.