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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious, Tred-

Do you feel like the latest, ummmm....misstep....by your wife has significantly set you back?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing to say right now that counts, just had to get on Page 1. Wait, check that. Welcome Chico!

ETA Damnit!

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I mean my wife never thought POSER was all that and a bag of chips, she was just addicted to all the positive mirroring and all that jazz. But she IS an addict, so....yeah. I mean, I found out POSER's roomie is about to bounce out on him for his failure to pay rent...I told my wife about it and the reaction was roughly "Meh. He's a loser, that's what happens."


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel like the latest, ummmm....misstep....by your wife has significantly set you back?

Absolutely. Main reason is that she did something she knew she shouldn't, that it would upset me, that it was breaking NC, but she figured that I'd never find out. The old "what Tred doesn't know won't hurt him". But it did hurt me, and while I didn't know right away, I felt something was off. Just like during her affair, the nights when I would come home and she wouldn't be intimate. I'd rationalize that it was that time of the month, she had a bad day, whatever. Never occurred to me that she had already had her fill of orgasms for the day and having sex with me that night was out of the question. Or she was planning on seeing him the next day, and wanted to be fresh. Yeah, it brings it all back.

ETA: It just reaffirms that if she thinks she can get away with it, she has no problems betraying me.

[This message edited by Tred at 2:28 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So just for curiosities sake, is everyone having this inner dialect? I mean the frequency has been diminishing, but does it ever totally disappear?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is everyone having this inner dialect?

All the time. And for things that have nothing to do with anything consequential. She asked me if I would get her a pen so she wouldn't have to set her laptop down to go get one. In my mind: "Well maybe you should go suck him off, maybe then he would get you a pen." Just mean shit, that inner dialogue is hard to stop even knowing how counter-productive it is in healing the marriage.

What's even worse, I know that giving him that pleasure didn't really gain her anything. Those compliments she was searching for only came before the pay off. After he went back to douchebag grandmaster.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just reaffirms that if she thinks she can get away with it, she has no problems betraying me.

Damn Tred. Just wanted to say I am sorry you are in that situation. I know how that feeling is.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is everyone having this inner dialect?

Trust me brothers, it never fucking goes away.

We're over 35 years out, and it still snags me from time to time. I've just learned to not give a shit, most of the time.

The one that really gets me is when somebody goes all gushy about how we're the "perfect couple, have the perfect marriage" yada, yada, yada. Trigger City.

Listen, our M is Good. We'll celebrate our 40th this Fall. We had a couple of kids post-A and they've grown up into good people. I love my wife, I really do.

But when people go off like that, I just want to scream, "Yeah, it's about as good as it gets with a SLUT!"


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it goes away, at least it hasn't for me in almost 6 yrs. I get this gushy shit lately about how great I am or some shit, and it inevitably in my head goes to 'yeah, but not good enough for you to stay faithful'. I dunno if she's really honest or trying too hard cause she's guilty of something and covering for it.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn MW- That far out and you still think that way. I guess I thought - or hoped- it would go away at some point. But ultimately, maybe you can never put the genie back in the bottle.

I thought things in my M had made a turn for the better, that my fWW was starting to get it. I am not so sure lately. Now she has been assigned to write her "story" in full detail. I am patiently waiting. Talking with my IC, we have agreed to put a large amount of stock in her project.

If she comes back with something that took effort and time and shows she really tried, then I think it will do wonders for us. If not, I fear it will signal the end. She has no deadline, but she knows she needs to get to it soon.

What kills me is that she keeps taking on projects for work and groups we are affiliated, but refuses to make our marriage a project.

She quit asking what i was thinking months ago. Too much honesty on my part I guess.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2013
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But ultimately, maybe you can never put the genie back in the bottle.

true. But mine never asked me anything at all, so at least your asked a while... no timeline here, can't remember...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the inner dialogue daily. My wife is doing great work on herself and our marriage, but everything feels sullied, tarnished, and diminished - her, our marriage, and me by association. It sucks.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but everything feels sullied, tarnished, and diminished - her, our marriage, and me by association.


same here, tarnished really nails it. I guess some folks can polish it, the rest of us make do with tarnish.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, thanks to all the posters that I've read over the last 18two months or so.
I posted about a year ago and have been lurking since.
I'm glad to say that I came to my senses and realized if I think i have something to prove I've already admitted defeat.
while I have done all that was suggested by the 1st and 2nd MC
including ad meds so i could "get over it", WW has remained mostly unchanged, yielding as little ground as possible and then only when I bluntly remind her that the alternative to working things out is Divorce.
I finally reached my limit and have clearly stated that we need to pay down our debt and find separate living arrangements.
Now she is trying to yield ground only I'm not interested. I've set my course and forward does not mean to together. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this long strange trip.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater,

Sorry man. Now I didn't say it didn't get better, because it does. Or that I'm sorry I stayed with her, because I am thankful we're still married almost every day. But, it is what it is.

It's as if my W bumped me while I was chopping wood and I lost a finger. The stump would heal, but all the happy thoughts in the world would never grow that finger back. It still might hurt from time to time and you can't scratch what isn't there. Innocence lost or something.

I was visiting my parents the other night. My mom said something about how neither of my W's sisters managed to stay married. I wanted to scream, "That's because they weren't married to ME!" while I was thinking "Most guys wouldn't put up with this shit." FOO runs in the family.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 3:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM

I'm glad to say that I came to my senses and realized if I think i have something to prove I've already admitted defeat.

Word. You should post more often dude.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

everything feels sullied, tarnished, and diminished

Like they say "You can't polish a turd" (my granddad being one of the "they")

Also makes me think of another one of my favorite quotes:
"The funny thing about that little white speck on the top of chicken shit. That little white speck is chicken shit too."
It doesn't matter how much she changes the dialogue, the chicken shit will always be there. You look at it and say well this speck I'm getting now ain't so bad, it's not nearly as big and I can hardly smell it. At first glance it doesn't even really look like shit. Bahh, doesn't change the fact that its still the same chicken shit.

*****ETA
Apparently Mythbuster's proved you can actually polish a turd. Granddad and I stand corrected.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 4:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now she is trying to yield ground only I'm not interested

Sounds like that Mehh feeling I talked about back in BM12, have that feeling all the time.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM,

I'm glad to say that I came to my senses and realized if I think i have something to prove I've already admitted defeat.

That's great to read. I told my WW a few months ago that I had nothing to prove to her or her family. Period. She agreed.

'bout the inner dialogue...

I have that too. Yep the 'great family' comments trigger me to hell. I recently shared with WW some inner visions I had of her getting pounded in some hotel room. She didn't get it in the slightest, like I was talking a different language. As one of the Menz posted in JFO today, it is a gender difference issue. See, the sex didn't mean anything to her - she was trying to 'win over' OM and his emotions, and keep the validation coming. To her the sex was probably like monopoly money being spent. It had no value to her and thus not to me either.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good news is that it all balances out in the end. In return for your inner triggers, she gets to know for the rest of her life that her big, lifetime, storybook romance is either to a husband who believes inside the secrecy of his head that she's a two dollar slut or an OM who believes she's an easy piece of ass who isn't worth having a real relationship with because she's a liar and a cheat.

That's why you've got to wean a WW off external validation as part of her recovery, because realities point to the fact that it's a wasteland out there for your garden variety cock gobbler. The girls who are actually skilled at it instead of being nebbish amateurs are in Hollywood gettin' paid, Mary Sue.

That's why David Lee Roth and Brian Wilson both wished they could all be California girls, because the rank amateurs just give off the stink of pathetic desperation.

That said, I was clear of the inner dialogue by the four year mark or so -- essentially, at the moment I realized I was using it as a crutch to let myself off the hook when I was grouchy or didn't feel like giving my best effort in the moment. YMMV on that score, but letting the thoughts stay was making me weak or letting me excuse my own weakness, so I had to excise them.


Machiavellian idiot savant

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