I'm still having a rough time with the memories/thoughts of what I know and read in emails. fWW has been great helping me through this.
We'll I mentioned that to help me heal I was wondering if we re-enacted the three acts they performed it might help me take the power back and not make the mind movies so vivid. I did not ask her to do this, I was just speaking out loud.
Last night she tells me she has no memory of what they did, and she didn't want to go back to that place (state of mind) to remember them. I fully understand it's painful, but it's brought up a big question for me.
How can she NOT have memories of what they did? She doesn't know, but I'm wondering if it's part of the compartmentalization that I read so much about. I believe that my fWW was a practicing commpartmentalizer for the few months they were together, but do those memories stay locked up in the compartment and get lost forever if she doesn't go there?
This would also explain how she never has mind movies and triggers. I asked her once if she had them and said no. She only remembers what happened when I bring it up. Not the A, but the specifics of the A.
I'm not trying to make my fWW hurt any more. I'm just trying to make me hurt less.
I wonder if your wife is in a similar mindset.
It's a fine line between healthy and unhealthy, IMO. Mental detachment, and even using a form of compartmentalization, can be a good thing in order to maintain "Mental NC". On the other hand, if her recollection of these memories is something that you need to help you heal, and she is unwilling to do so, it could be construed as a form of rug sweeping.
My guess is that those memories are there, but she doesn't want to revisit them.
Good luck with this, SH.
I have resigned myself to maybe not every knowing many reasons/answers, but I certainly have the right to ask her to try - and she is.
I don't think this will prevent me from healing and getting to forgiveness but it might take longer. Not sure?
It is strange that I and the engineer and she was the socialoligy major and is the one having problems accessing many emotions!
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
I know you are all saying she remembers but just doesn't want to tell me, but my fWW will answer any question I ask. I've only got the 'I don't know/remember to a couple of questions and this was basically where he took her for sex. She says she wasn't looking out the window in case she was seen.
She is doing all the right things and trying to help me as much as she can. It's just odd that she doesn't have memories of it...I think some of you may be correct, she suppresses them until I ask about them.
Not sure. We're going to talk about this more tonight.
My WW has always had a terrible memory and has a hard time with many questions I have asked. Especially the hard "how did you Justify it" type
There is a HUGE difference between figuring out how they justified the affair, versus remembering about sexual details. I can tell you about the first time I was with every man I've ever been with, over the past 30+ years (including being molested as a child). I might not remember what we talked about, what I felt, etc, but the act, I remember all those details. So did my H with his "terrible" memory. He remember who touched whom first with each of his A's, where the hands were, where they were at when it happened, who took of what article of clothing, etc. Could he tell you about the sex we had last Labor Day with such detail? Not a chance. But this, the A sex, it was illicit and that made it memorable.
So while I would agree totally that some of the emotional details are going to be hard to cut through (and the why can take years to figure out), I would disagree that with a partner they were with just a few times they don't remember every sexual detail.
I just don't.
I've known this man for 15 years. We've lived together for 14 years. We've been married for almost 13 years. I know him, and I know how capable his memory is.
I want the details. Every nitty-gritty disgusting bit of grime there is. I want to know ev.er.y.thing.
I don't believe we will be able to put this chapter behind us until the secrets are gone, and I know *exactly* what happened, with whom, and when.
WW cannon also recall where her and OM had sex. This was a 15 year supper long LTA. The lengh of time, the cheating act itself, and her ability to compartmentalize - I don't like it, but can understand.
I will say I personally believe the memory is there, she just cannot access it. I have thought about hypnotizing her but not sure that would work either.
[This message edited by devasted30 at 4:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Was she sexually abused as a child?
what does this mean? Mine claims no recollection either, and was molested by an uncle at a very young age.
No timeline, no recollection of what happened, etc.
I can tell you about the first time I was with every man I've ever been with, over the past 30+ years (including being molested as a child). I might not remember what we talked about, what I felt, etc, but the act, I remember all those details.
Wow--people are so different! I had a long term boyfriend for five years before meeting fWH, and I just tried and I only remember two times we had sex (I remember because the circumstances were unusual). So, two semi-specific memories out of the most likely over 2,000 times we had sex.
As far as first times, I only vaguely remember my first first time. No other firsts, and nothing with details--very few memories at all with one guy I dated. I like sex, it's just that sexual stuff is all similar to my memory . . . I think that's normal too, right?
Last night she tells me she has no memory of what they did, and she didn't want to go back to that place (state of mind) to remember them.
fWH has told me the same thing. He was abused as a child and is very good at blocking things out. He has closed the door and it's nauseating to him to try to remember what happened with OW. While the A was going on, fWH would "shut down" and just do whatever OW wanted. Whatever would stop her from freaking out on him, including sex.
SecondHelping, did your fWW surrender to something she didn't want? Not saying it wasn't her fault. It helped me to read about emotional blackmail because OW was very good at that and fWH dissociated and self destructively gave himself over to her.
SecondHelping, did your fWW surrender to something she didn't want?
No, she was a completely willing and eager partner.
This was only a year ago. She's not trying to remember 15 or 25 years ago.
She can still remember the details of the kissing/hickey from 1990.
[This message edited by SecondHelping at 8:13 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
"One is not tempted by that he does not want."
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
If I had to describe the difference between compartmentalization and dissociation, I'd say compartmentalization is an often healthy, deliberate technique (think EMTs) while dissociation is a subconscious mode we slip into as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Which can be controlled and cured.
IMHO I don't think you should go there...