I like to post on here every once in while because when I found out, I was so broken and lost, like many of you now. My first thought after finding out was that our M was over...I mean an A is just an automatic marriage ender isn't it? When I found this site, I learned that many people get through this and make it to the other side stronger.
Do I honestly believe we are stronger now? Yes I do.
My FWW had a 5 month A with a co-worker 9 months after the birth of our son. I found out in November of 2010 and what ensued was years of chaos. Every relationship was different. My FWW had immediate no contact with the OM, quit her job immediately, offered passwords to everything, checked in constantly where she went, set up counseling for us and for her, and pretty much everything else that could be asked of a cheater.
Still I was on my way out the door. I was set on leaving at the beginning, at least in the first few days. I was looking for apartments immediately, devastated by the thought of an innocent child being brought into a broken home at only 9 months old. What made me change my mind? This site was a huge part of it. Her refusal to submit was another part of it. Since Dday:
-she walked away from her job
-we lost our house as a result
-she got pregnant from hysterical bonding
-I DNA tested both our children just to be sure
-my brother decided to not be supporting of our R attempt and instead did everything he could, including stalking us on this site and forward our posts to other family members, so I completely cut him out.
-I started a new business last year
Why did I add starting a new business? Because I refused to let any of the A take away from my life. In fact, it was a game changer for me. I started seeking out various self help and spiritual books post Dday and became more confident in myself than I had ever been in my life. I took pain and found strength. I refused to be destroyed by the immeasurable pain the A caused me. Instead I put the energy to starting a business in something I love, and becoming a better person for my family and for myself.
Find strength in the pain. When we were in our first year of R, my wife did pretty much everything right (except for one major setback, an old ONS from when we first started dating she came to me and admitted 3 months post dday). They said in these forums that R took two. But I admit, I focused completely on myself, knowing my wife was remorseful and wasn't seeing the OM, and wasn't going anywhere. I admit I put our marriage on the backburner after the first year. For me, that was what I needed. I retreated in self help books, books on spirituality, and really learned myself on every level. When I emerged, I was a better, stronger person than I had ever been in my life. I refused to become bitter, but I also refused to ever waiver from what I feel I deserved from people.
Do not go through life victimizing yourself, beating yourself down with negative self-talk, and lacking self confidence. You can be confident yet not cocky. Use this pain and become stronger.
My wife never waivered from her remorse. Still, almost 3 years later, she starts crying occasionally, looks me in the eyes, and apologizes deep from her heart and her eyes. She tells me how lucky she is, and that I saved her life. She walks differently, talks differently, and has simply grown up. Her boundaries are stronger than most people I have met. She is grateful on every level for her chance to have an intact family. Lately, I almost feel undeserving of her, as she is constantly showering me with love, gifts, and little favors. Our new normal is we just have each others passwords for everything. My facebook is always logged in, or hers is, we just don't ever log out of our accounts. It seems odd to us now that other couples do not know each others passwords for things. Everything is open to us in every way. In short, we are reconciled. It was a long, long road.
Your's will be long also. Not everybody will have the remorse they need, and even still, it may not be enough for you. I can only tell you from my perspective, that it IS possible. I hate ever saying this, and just typing it almost makes me cringe, but I can't really say I wouldn't go through it all again not only for our M, but for what it did to me, it awakened a fire in me for life.
I know I portray our M in too perfect of a light, so let me add that we do fight, we get stressed. With 2 small children, there is no shortage of stress and bickering, but overall, I feel lucky to have the M I have.
This site was instrumental in my healing. I was quite literally addicted to it for my first year. Take what you need from it, and focus on your healing.
-You will make it past this
-Everybody has the ability to change
-Focus on healing yourself first and foremost
-Realize that happiness is all in how you perceive the world.
-You are not alone
It hurts me coming here and seeing the pain people inflict on each other, but the site gave me so much, I feel it's my duty to pay forward some hope. This community will always be here for you, and although I seldom visit here, we are out there. Those that have healed may not come on this site very often, as it's not in their thoughts every day anymore. As a result, it may seem like there isn't a lot of hope on this site, but it is there. You will survive this.
[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 10:03 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm happy for the two of you.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Best wishes going forward.
Thank you so much for the uplifting story. Wishing you many more years of marital bliss!!!
I like to say that there is a light at the end of every tunnel....somewhere. Your story proves that I am right.
May you continue to have every happiness!
I also want to add that I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. It never really hit me that I was healed one day, it just slowly got better. Some days were good in between, some were bad. Slowly the good days started outnumbering the bad.
Also, start exercising and eating healthy. Make it a priority. One of the biggest obstacles to healing is your feeling of self worth. Exercise and diet will dramatically increase your self confidence and fight depression. Find some good songs for your iPod, songs that make you feel stronger, go running and lift weights. Do not fall into a pattern of being a victim and letting yourself go. Eventually people will stop wanting to hear it. Be strong, put your lines in the sand, and do not waiver!
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 1:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
PS I read this, it is a great book!