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User Topic: devastated, again.
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Sad  Posted: 12:39 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing how the gut, intuition, or whatever you want to call it, leads you to where you need to be. Something just didn't feel right. I was triggering today, big time, and I couldn't figure out why. So, when he went out on his run, I did some checking around, and there it was. Proof of another betrayal. He claims it was a "slip" back in May, but why should I believe a word be says? Another dday for me. Read my pathetic story for the sickening details. I confronted him straight away when he came back, and of course, denial. I stood firm. Started packing my crap. I just wanted out. Away from him. Away from the hurt he cannot seem to stop inflicting on me. Instead, I changed my mind. Gave him the journal I have been keeping for the past two years. Told him to read every single toxic, sickening word of it, then I would be ready to talk. Maybe. Asked him to give me one good reason to stay. He couldn't. Told him to sleep in the guest room and to stay the fuck away from me. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. Last week at my IC, I talked at length about how I had finally, finally, finally come to a place of acceptance, that yes, this is my life, he did do this, he did this to me, to us. This morning while out on errands, I stopped at Barnes and Noble to buy the book "How Can I Forgive You?" it was out of stock...omen perhaps? And now this...back to square one...AGAIN.

And in the midst of all this, we are neck deep in a major remodel of our house, things are a mess . DD is getting ready to start her senior year. Thanks selfish ass for doing this to us AGAIN.

I don't know that I can do this.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. I just read your story and I can imagine that it is impossible to believe a word out of his mouth at this point.

I don't have anything wise to give. Just sympathy.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I wish things were different for you. (((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A slip? A SLIP?

WTH.

Did he do any work after your first d-day? Examine himself and his issues? Work on learning how to build boundaries? How to communicate with you?

If he doesn't and he won't then even if you can get to a place of forgiveness, you can't get to a place of trust and safety because in his mind its just a slip.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11235 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, a slip? Like, sorry I slipped while holding this chef knife and drove it into your back again?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't a slip. It was deliberate and cruel.

(((((boontje)))))


You don't have to do *anything* right now. Just BE.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, oh... OMG

I am at a loss. I am heartbroken and devastated for you. When I saw the thread title, there were a list of people who went through my head, thinking "Please don't let it be ..." and you were at the top of the list.

I know that you are strong, and will survive whatever comes. And I believe that when the path to take is clear, then you will have peace and will know that it's right.

I am so, so, so very sorry.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((boontje)))Just wanted to share I know how it feels like you are starting all over again when you thought things were going good. I'm sorry. Is he in IC ?
Hang in there. I know how much it hurts.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not far enough out to know if my story will follow yours. Of course, sadly, I hope it won't. But your course is the one I fear. The A was bad enough (EA/PA), but the escorts and prostitute? Ugh. So, so, so dirty and toxic. Every business trip leaves me worthless. I accomplish NOTHING when he's gone because I'm in such agony--even 7 months out. Because he's human and no matter what he WANTS to do, he's an addict and hasn't gotten to a place, yet, where I feel he's strong enough to resist when he's in the wrong frame of mind.

So I "get" it. Not like you do, but I get it. And I am so sorry. I'm sorry you hurt so horribly. Hugs.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. As usual SI friends are here for me. So he read my journal last night as he stayed in the guest room, and came to me this morning and admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense. I asked him what HE is going to do for himself because right now I am focusing on ME. He says he is going to find therapist for SA. Honestly, I am beyond sick right now, and I can only focus on myself and getting through the day. If there has been one thing I have learned over the last two years, it is that I can only heal myself. The rest is up to him. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for the kind words and support.

B


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Boontje

I am sorry. I did read your story and it makes me so sad for you and angry at him.

admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense

I am not qualified to say that he is or isn't. But neither is he. Could he be telling you what you want to hear to minimize HIS actions, his choices?

All I suggest is tread lightly. Regardless if he is a SA or not, he still continually chose to make horrid choices that hurt you and your family immensely.

He claims it was a "slip" back in May

Someone else mentioned this on another post. No, it is NOT a slip up. It is a conscious choice to lie, betray and hurt your spouse.

A slip up is stepping on someone's toe or having an extra piece of cake. It is not intentionally seeking other woman and hooking up. No way.

The job of forgiveness is for you to set yourself free.

You can't forgive someone who is not remorseful. VERY different the regretful.

He has not demonstrated that he even wants your true forgiveness. He wants his cake and eat it too. Close the bakery.

True remorse is NEVER allowing yourself to head down the infidelity path again because you are acutely aware of the pain, heartache and suffering it has caused.

File for D. You don't have to go through with it but convey you mean business. How many Ddays can you have before this ends? He hasn't change because he doesn't want to. (((sorry)))

Be an example to your daughter that she is more than an option. Be strong.

This stops when you say it stops. You have the power to end it.

Big hugs and lots of prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1219 | Registered: Apr 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((boontje)))

Good god these WS's (including mine) that do this shit make me want to go out on a vigilante rampage.

They are sick and I am very sorry you are in this situation. I am coming to my own conclusion that my WH is a sex addict as well, but sprinkle in a few personality disorders on top of that and viola!

Damn it! I am mad today for you and everyone who feels this way.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:05 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, a slip? Like, sorry I slipped while holding this chef knife and drove it into your back again?

This. I'm so sorry, boontje.

So he read my journal last night as he stayed in the guest room, and came to me this morning and admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense. I asked him what HE is going to do for himself because right now I am focusing on ME. He says he is going to find therapist for SA.

I think you said the right thing to him, that this is something he needs to take responsibility for, while you take care of yourself. Please watch his actions. He really, really does need to take responsibility for his choices, SA or not. He could start by owning that it wasn't a "slip", it was a choice. Getting into therapy is another good first step for him. Sending you strength, boontje.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((boobtje)))
I also think you said the right thing to him. You may not feel it but those words came from an incredibly strong woman.
At 28 months from my initial dday my husband finally admitted the whole truth, said it was all about him and him being broken, not our marriage and he owned this & started IC.
If your husband is ready to start working on him, there is hope boontje. Maybe this is his rock bottom. Hugs & strength to you.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boontje - I am just sick on your behalf. I hope you will do exactly what you said - focus on you. He either will or won't do what he needs to do, but either way, you need to be ok.

(((((hugs)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25842 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, sorry i misspelled your name


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry....(((((boontje)))))

I just don't know how human beings are capable of hurting others so much...

My heart aches for you.

But I read fire and strength in your words. Hang onto those. Be good to yourself. You are stronger than you know!

(((and strength)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let there be no doubt, I am well aware that this latest incident was not "just a slip". Those were his words. I know it was a conscious choice on his part to indulge himself, once again. So thanks 1faith and others who pointed that out. I really do appreciate your concern that he is trying to minimize what he has done. He is feeling a tremendous amount of shame right now, but that doesn't remotely compare to the horror I am going through right now.

Forgivingnow....I chuckled at your typo of my name


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to make you laugh
How are you today?


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 22
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