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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Holy Sh*t I Just got served
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to send my support. I know how crappy it feels when once again they find another way to lie and screw you over. It can feel overwhelming.

I hope your attorney sticks it to him.

((Sleepless34))


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless....he just threw down the gauntlet. There is no way in hell that any type of remorseful WS is going to file for D behind the BS' back. None.

You two had an agreement.....he broke it. Therefore, it is now every man for himself. (or herself, as in your case )

NC immediately.

If you have zero family ties to the Disney area, then his excuse about filing because you were taking the kids out-of-state is just freaking stupid.

Oh....just ugh.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You got all the good advice here, I know it is hard to think/calm down. From now on, no contact with his.

But my mediator told me at the first meeting that " this is a business". You have to be able to think clear and straight to be able to win it!

The sooner you can put your emotion aside the better you will be.
Big Hug!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it me, or do they all become hoity-toit windbags once the emailing starts? This sounds just like my ex!

Yes. Yes, they do. Mine is starting to sound like a professor. Who has nothing to say but says it eloquently.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless - I just want to give you some big hugs, and tell you that you can do this.

Make sure you get info on any and all retirement accounts, anuity's etc he has. Who knows if he has had control over the finances for that long of time, he may have been funnelling money to just himself for quite a while. You are entitled to some of it. Your girls are definitely entitled to it.

Sending you strength, and determination for your meeting today. If the lawyer you see rubs you the wrong way, listen to your gut, and see another.
Right now this is about protecting those kids. You will have time to greive later. Please have a friend or family member go with you to the lawyer. Blow this bitch wide open, he cheated, he filed, it's time to get the love and support your family and friends are just waiting to give you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8242 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for you but as someone already stated this is right out of the cheaters handbook. My stbxw did the same thing. Don't fall for it please! I did and I begged and could not understand because it all made no sense. But as my emotions ran down , oh and I caught her in a hotel room at 2am, I started to put all the pieces together. You will too! My advice is be Agressive , no contact other than kids , no contact with people you believe to be friends of both either. I wish you the best of luck , I know how hard it is believe me. Pick up a book and read. " not just friends" it helped me to understand . It is like getting into the mind of a serial killer. That is what she did to me , slowly premeditated the murder of my being and all I stood for. Good thing I'm a stubborn never quit kind of guy!! Ill be following your story . All the best.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that he blindsided you with the D papers. Now is the time to straighten your backbone and stand up firmly against him. He knows the impact those papers would have on you and sounds like he intends to capitalize on that emotional turmoil to get things done quickly. This is not in your best interest.
Do you have a friend that can "school" you in "on line banking"? Someone you can trust to teach you how to use the system, and help you find the information that you are going to need?
It is time to protect your girls and your future, and yes it is at his expense!
HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4839 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your lawyers will request all bank statements for the last year. If something seems out of line they will go back two or three years. The days of "hiding" assets is no more. He is required generally by law to produce ALL assets or be held liable if it goes to court before a judge. There are so many paper trails these days that it's just abut impossible to hide things from your spouse. Your lawyers can also require he submit all credit card statements for the last few years to identify if he's been using any of your assets to support his affair. You can then request reimbursement from him at settlement. For example I had a friend whose WH bought his gf a car during their affair. Well in court the judge determined he used joint marital assets to buy it. She too never minded the finances. The car was delivered back to her and she drove it for a bit before selling it.

Don't sweat that stuff, but you still need to know yourself where you stand for your own peace of mind and begin doing your own discovery.

My exWW turned into a huge bitch when this shit started. She had no idea what fantasy world of divorce was and real world reality was going to be. During false R she was talking to an attorney behind my back. SHE sent me an email with divorce papers (not even served) and expected me to sign them. I got an attorney and she said don't do anything. Let her file and do all the work. Of course her version of divorce was that she got everything and wanted to leave me destitute renting a room somewhere in a stranger's house. Just know they turn into dicks. I couldn't believe this was the same woman I was with for 21 years. Read up and know your rights. Especially if you've been in a long term marriage in your state.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't the lawyers do a forensic accounting of all the assets anyway? DO I really have to search for all this crap?? I have some statements and a summary, and for sure money was spent on that chat room whore...have credit card statements, but don't the lawyers require all those documents anyway??

My attorney gave me a list of items to bring to the first meeting, such as: pay stubs, bank statements, retirement information, etc.

Yes - if you feel he is hiding money or have more than he is stating, you can definitely hire someone to scout it out (which in your case sounds necessary) - but there will be a cost to that.

I would definitely take the time to do whatever online digging/proving you can do ahead of time to save a little.

I am sorry he is not playing nice. I learned quickly to expect the unexpected in my D. It has been final for 3 years now and he STILL never ceases to amaze me with stuff he does.

PS - his veribage cracked me up too.....guess he is trying to dazzle you with BS approach.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest you get your lawyer to stick it up his aperture.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2555 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure your lawyer will mention this - but make sure you get a copy of his latest credit report. He could have credit cards and bank accounts you know nothing about that he is using to lavish $$ on his chat whore.


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a douchebag!!!! The crazies have no idea what they are even doing. Get a lawyer and keep you CHIN UP! Don't let him break you down. These OW & OM...do they NOT think it is going to happen to them too. Makes me sick!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest you get your lawyer to stick it up his aperture.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to send you strength and hope your attorneys appt goes well.
I hope you're doing okay, and just know you are going to be okay!!
What an absolute douche canoe! Talks like a freak like my now ex tries sometimes....mine writes he wants to be cordial. Oh is that what you call it? Lol
Stay strong, and DO NOT BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH! Not even one! LIARS LIE SND CHEATERS CHEAT! Your life and your girls will be better without that kind of abuse and manipulation.
(((Sleepless))) I hope you get some sleep soon!

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Oh thank you for all your support! THAT IS SO AWESOME. I had a busy day. I had therapy appt and that built me up a bit. She makes me feel tough like I can get through this and be better off.

She also helped me understand how messed up that idiot is. She gave me some info and his mom (my MIL) also gave me some info about what happened when his Dad left and their relationship, so I am piecing a nice theory together- in my spare time when I am not getting served, crying, screaming, smoking (new habit) or pretending to be normal in front of the kids....

My theory, for shits and giggles, is that He has major FOO issues, Daddy issues, abandonment and inferiority complex. While acting like a normal nice successful person and good husband/ Dad, He has been repressing all this shit for years. ALways been an introvert, and very logical but used to be more emotional, like deep vs douchey. Well, eventually he convinced himself I didn't really love him, maybe asking him to take out the garbage cans one too many times. So, felt rejected and rather than TALK to me he went out to suckle the big mommy nipple of a chat room whore- who accepted all his lying, cheating, discustingness because she is a fucked up narcissist. And when you feel so unworthy, apparently any cheap ho that makes you feel good about yourself will do. That feeling of new love fills the emptiness he has in himself and he thinks that is the panacea- but it will wear off soon and then he will still have that emptiness. Of course, talking to his wife and best friend could have worked, but he is a shit communicator and a coaward, so he just assumed I secretly thought him unworthy and then self fulfilling prophecy- he became unworthy- lazy, distant, etc... does it really matter- Fuck no- I am done anyway, but interesting, yes?

Anyway, I also say a good lawyer today. I liked her. She has tons of experience, knows everybody who is good because she has been around a while and has good rep. She tries to stay out of court, but she will fight if need be. SHe is super stealth like and steely, calm like a lake,and she has seen it all. And she never heard of the ahole atty my H got, so probably a good sign. I said "oh, I was worried he is a shark" and she said "well, if I haven't heard of him, he surely isn't a shark. Or at least not a shark we need to worry about." Bahahahaha.

She said we don't have to do anything. She understands I need time to process this and grieve and figure out what kind of custody arrangement might work in future state- which obviously I can't even fathom right now. So, she says "you don't need to worry about the legal stuff, you have me and I got this." You tell him that I said not to talk to him about anything but the kids and/or financial business for 20 days. Which is what I have wanted anyway...and many of you recommended as well.

So, I am actually taking the kids on vacation this weekend to get out of here and have a little joy. Used his/our airline miles. Of course, had to get written permission to go out of state...sigh. I will report back here on Sunday when we return.

Thank you thank you thank you for all the support. It is so comforting.

p.s. I really like the one about my lawyer sticking it up his aperature! awesome!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I was away for the weekend. It was good and bad.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops, I accidently posted before finishing that thought...

I took kids away for weekend to Disney and that was nice as a distraction but it also SUCKED because it was full of happy families and I was single mom.

I got an email from H while I was there. He is being difficult about which child therapist to pick for the kids. He is suspicious of one I picked and vetoed her and wanted to have us each pick three and then decide.

WTF, the kids are in limbo here and we haven't really talked to them yet about the situation. Other than the standard...we both love you, this is an adult problem with Mommy and Daddy and you don't need to worry about it, and other non-answer answers but they are searching for some answers and want to know "why doesn't daddy sleep here anymore?" Seeing as I barely know what happened or is happening and I can't even have a conversation with my H without it turning into a battle- we need a "separation/divorce counselor" or something to help us get to a place where we can even communicate for the sake of the kids.

Even saying that makes me mad. The kids get a raw deal in all this, and he is not even acknowledging how catasphrophic this is for them. He says stuff like " well, it will be an adjustment" NO SHIT ASSHOLE.

I ended up calling him at night after I got his email and that was BAD. I was in a bad place and I should not even speak with him. I called him already mad and then also sad from a day looking at happy families....and he is so robotic and lacking in empathy. And when I am hating him, he feeds on it because it justifies him. UGHHH, I was mad at myself. I was practically saying I would give our marraige a chance because I so badly want control back. I don't think I ever would, but I want him to be begging me back anyway...and he is SO NOT!!!

Along the lines of the major douche things he said to me in this one call:

"I don't have a time machine. I can't go back and change it. What do you want me to say?" HOW ABOUT A SINCERE APOLOGY?? BEGGING? A LETTER? UNDERSTANDING I DESERVE TO BE MAD!

"How do you want me to comfort me? I can't. You don't believe anything I say, you hate me, you wish I was dead, you kicked me out of the house." YES, YOU ARE RIGHT YOU CAN"T COMFORT ME. BUT YOU CAN LEAVE ME ALONE TO GRIEVE AND BE RESPECTFUL OF THAT BEFORE SLAPPING ME WITH D PAPERS AND TRYING TO FORCE ME TO DISCUSS PARENTING PLANS BEFORE I AM READY. AND YES I WILL NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY AND YES I KICKED YOUR ASS OUT AS YOU HAD A LTA FOR 16 MONTHS AND YOU SAID YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH THIS PERSON, YOU TOLD OUR KIDS AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY BY 7AM IN THE AM THAT VERY MORNING, AMONGST 1000 OTHER CRAZY, DISCUSTING, FILTHY CONFESSIONS AND I COULDN'T LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT WANTING TO KILL YOU.

"You are just being punitive. You are trying to hurt me. You are being irrational"
YES, THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET DIVORCED. I GUESS YOU CAN NOT ACCEPT THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO YOUR ACTIONS? IRRATIONAL? IT IS IRRATIONAL THAT YOU THINK I AM IRRATIONAL.


"Why did you spend over $1000 on getting the car fixed. You are just trying to run up the bills to ruin me."
UM, OK HUSBAND AND DAD OF THE YEAR. YOU WERE TOLD BY A FRIEND THAT DROVE THE CAR THAT IT WAS NOT SAFE- NEEDED ALIGNMENT, TIRES, SOME OTHER STUFF. YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT ALL SUMMER AND YOU DIDN'T BC YOU WERE BUSY LIVING THE HIGH LIFE WITH YOUR HO. YOU SPENT TONS OF MONEY ON TRIPS AND DINNERS AND DRINKS AND YOU ARE PISSED AT ME FOR FIXING THE FUCKING CAR YOUR KIDS AND WIFE DRIVE AROUND IN??? SERIOUSLY YOU ARE SUCH A MAJOR DOUCHE.

WTF? Seriously, is he mentally ill? He used to be a good person.....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is mentally ill. He is bat shit crazy!!!! I saw your post on mine and my heart hurts for you because it's only been 3 weeks. You will get through it though, I promise. If you EVER feel the need to just chat, send me an email. I was completely blindsided as well and I know when I was first in that all I wanted to do was TALK and get everything out. I would be willing listen. PLEASE hang in there and when that inner pain gets intense...find a private place to go cry and get it out! HUGS!!!!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here is to a new day.

I am vowing not to engage with that Jackass unless it is about kids or about the finances.

Last evening he took kids out to movies and dinner. They came home, he brought them to door and we did not speak to eachother or even really look at eachother.

My little one, 8, comes in, sits down and starts crying. "I miss Daddy" "I am so sad that he doesn't live here anymore and that you and him don't talk" She cried a little and I hugged her. I said, "I know honey, mommy is sad too." I hugged her, what else can I say or do?

I feel bad that I can't talk with him and play nicey nicey. I can not do it yet, it upsets me to just see his face or hear his voice. It just breaks my heart to see that he has done this to the kids and is totally trying to minimize what an impact it is having and will have on them.

He can pretend just fine in front of them bc he has been doing it for 16 months. I am not that cold and repressed. I deserve to be mad and hurt and confused and shouldn't be expected to be able to put on a show right now. Maybe someday. But not.fucking.now.

Seeing divorce/separation counselor Wed HOPE that will help us be able to communicate somehow so we can make this a little bit better for kids.....sigh.

What do people do in these situations???


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Topic Posts: 39
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