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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Holy Sh*t I Just got served
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got served the D papers a few hours ago. Wow.That took the air out of me.

We met this past weekend to try and talk through some issues, next steps and logisitics of our separation because it is still raw and there is a lot of emotions and anger. We had a moderator. We had an agreement no one would file the D papers yet without giving the other person notice. There were other agreements too.

I had felt like we were making progress. Now I feel like I shouldn't believe any of the other agreements he made. Lier. Lier. Lier.

How many times are you going to stick the knife in my back.He just told me 2 weeks ago of this LTA and that he loves her, wanted both of us, then when I said I don't love you if you could do this to me, he was happy that it was me saying it was over.Then he said no it is him ending our marraige and a bunch of other nonsense crap. Now it is like he is robot seeking quickest path to OUT he can find.

I have asked and asked for him to back off and give me some time to grieve and process all of this. He said he would and then BAM I got served today.

What is the rush with filing the D papers within 2 weeks???


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rush is that there is so much more to his story than you've even begun to understand.

You may find out one day, you may not. But *today* you just got the proverbial shot across the bow and you need to ACT. See a lawyer on your own. Do your due diligence your's and your WH finances so you know exactly what is what. Do not accept what's written in his D papers. Countersue if necessary. Don't be nice. Look out for yourself and yourself only - no matter how much that is contrary to your nature.

For example, an LTA???? Then he's been spending marital assets on her? Stuff like that. Find it out and get it back.

I'm sorry. To be dealing with the fresh hurt of learning about your WS and then this immediately too. I know it's overwhelming.

It's also, fwiw, may be not the end. It's rushed and you never know, WS's do lots of stupid stuff in the heat of the moment. Sometimes at first they think "I've ruined it all, so I might as well bail" and then calm down and re-think.

But until that happens, move forward with protecting yourself.

(((sleepless34)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you need to seek a lawyer immediately. The heck with a mediator, your scusband (love that!) intends to play hard ball with you. Fine. Get the toughest lawyer you can afford and protect yourself.

Don't be surprised to find out that your scusband has consulted with several top notch legal firms in an attempt to prevent you from being able to use them.

You need to immediately go to the bank or go online & print out ALL transactions the past year, preferably TWO, of all joint accounts. Go over all joint accounts with a fine-toothed comb. Look at everything. You may find that he's been spending money on the OW, and if that's the case you may be entitled to half of that amount.

First & foremost, though, is get a lawyer right away. You have only a certain amount of time to respond to the divorce petition.

Oh, and see if there's anyone you can call to come over & be with you. A friend or family member? You're liable to process a lot of very strong emotions, including shock & emotional trauma. It helps to have someone be there.

((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9865 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I actually do have an appointment for tomorrow with a good lawyer- had to wait 2 weeks to get in.

He sent me an overview of the financials, but he has been managing alot of that stuff for a really long time...so not sure what I can trust. And all of it was set up on line, no paper transactions, and I was blissfully ignorant just trusting him and spending the money.

What a DICK! I do wonder- cayc- what the rest of the story is. Why the rush? His OW isn't evened D'd yet? DOes he have some big bonus coming? He was complaining about not wanting to use lawyers and having it be so expensive and all that and now he just started a battle...


But he sends me this note
"I understand that you received the dissolution papers. I want you to know that the reason I made the decision was to protect our respective interests. In the absence of this initial filing, there existed exposed risks for both of us and the girls. With some of the accusations you have made, and with the girls being taken out-of-State, it is only a base action to protect everyone. While you may perceive it as aggressive action, it is only this action right now. This action does not even preclude reconciliation. It is only one step to protect ours and the interests of the girls.

I still would like for us to continue to grow our communication in a courteous and kind way as we move through things at a comfortable pace for all. As I've continued to say, my aperture is open to listening to all ideas.

Barf. Puke. Okay, first of all just call it a Divorce!

Second, we discussed that I am talking the kids to Disney and he agreed it was a good idea and now he is paranoid I have some grand plan to kid nap them and he will never see them again. Really? They would not like that and they would miss school and their home and all that. Who does that? No one.

What the Hell, he said he would wait. Then he just did it anyway. I think he is playing me. It is not about Disneyland. Or whatever wild accusations he thinks I made- Oh yes I have said some choice things and maybe being a little bit MAD that my husband has had a double life for 16 months and then just bailed without a word leading up to the DDay. But Seriously??

What does he gain by filing it first?


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn. I know you are hurting really really badly. Possibly you are in shock. Is there anyone IRL you can call on for support? You are going to need a team that you can count on. Infidelity is filled with emotions while divorce is basically a business transaction but one that WILL effect you for a long time. Which is why it is so important for you to see an attorney now. Get copies of your previous tax returns; get copies of your bank statements. Do you have an account in your own name? Do you have credit cards in your own name? The only person that can protect you is you.

There are a few reasons why he would want to rush a divorce. None good. Do not sign anything. Do not agree to anything. Since he broke your previous agreements, you know exactly where he stands.

I am so sorry sleepless34. It is so hard to think straight when the love of your life just gutted you. I know. Make sure you are keeping yourself hydrated and fed. If sleep is difficult, see your doctor. Have you been seeing an IC? Take care sleepless34. I will be thinking of you!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He gains the element of surprise, it keeps you off balance. If your off balance he can easily hide things he doesn't want you to find. You off balance gives him time. I am glad you have an attorney appt tomorrow.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5333 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I've continued to say, my aperture is open to listening to all ideas.

Do not sit back and let him drive, sleepless. Take action. Hope your meeting with the lawyer goes well tomorrow.

((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my aperture is open to listening to all ideas.

My opening is open to listening to all ideas? Really? Who talks like that?

He's the one that should be sharing ideas! Ignore his words, pay attention to his actions. He filed when he said he wouldn't . What more is there to know?

Yes, I think he's playing you. Is OW pregnant?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the banking info is all online? If you have your name on those accounts you can (and should) get your own login to access the Information.

Or just go down to the actual bank and have them print all the statements you need


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thought is you said she isn't even divorced yet, but has OW filed? This makes me think she has required an ultimatum of him to file as well to continue their relationship...

But enough about trying to analyze him. ANALYZE YOU. Get YOUR knowledge up on the legal stuff. Find and copy all the documents you can find. Chances are he is hiding stuff and wants to quickie this before you get too suspicious and investigate.

I know the emotions are so fresh for you. I'm sorry to say, but sounds like he has detached for a long time, and this has hit you like a ton of bricks and haven't had time to process the emotions at all. But try to find you bitch boots and get your legal ducks in a row. Save the emotions for later. Protect yourself.

Big hugs to you. So sorry for this obvious trauma he is putting you through, but you can do this!!


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2400 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So since he has all your accounts online, you can and should be able to access the information on your own. Do you know the joint accounts? Can you call some of the 24-hour help lines tonight? I just have a feeling the "let's be friends, I didn't mean this to upset you" talk is just a bullshit cover story to try and mollify you while he does something nefarious. Don't be the little lamb he thinks you are. Don't react the way he expects you to. I urge you to take as much action as you can tonight. Look online. Print shit out. Go to your filing cabinets & get your tax returns, passports, birth certificates, deeds/titles for house, cars, boats, property. Verify that all your bills are still active & will continue to be mailed to your home, let them know you don't want your utilities turned off without your approval.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Right now I want you to use an overabundance of caution. He lulled you into inaction by telling you he wasn't going to file, when all along he had this planned. Don't be lulled again. He is not the person you thought he was.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9865 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sending you a PM.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While you may perceive it as aggressive action, it is only this action right now. This action does not even preclude reconciliation.

He wants to rush it through and he wants you docile during the process, and too afraid to rock the boat. ROCK THE BOAT!! You are being played!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

think he is playing me

Trust Your Gut!!!!!!!!!!

Time to put on your big girl pants. he is NOT your friend. He is NOT trying to be fair and just.

He has an agenda, that does not include you or the kids.

Good Luck with the lawyer. Picture us behind you cheering you on.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jan 2010
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I understand that you received the dissolution papers. I want you to know that the reason I made the decision was to protect our respective interests. In the absence of this initial filing, there existed exposed risks for both of us and the girls. With some of the accusations you have made, and with the girls being taken out-of-State, it is only a base action to protect everyone. While you may perceive it as aggressive action, it is only this action right now. This action does not even preclude reconciliation. It is only one step to protect ours and the interests of the girls.

I still would like for us to continue to grow our communication in a courteous and kind way as we move through things at a comfortable pace for all. As I've continued to say, my aperture is open to listening to all ideas.

Is it me, or do they all become hoity-toit windbags once the emailing starts? This sounds just like my ex!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my aperture is open to listening to all ideas.

C'mon. That's hilarious!!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, he totally sounds like a douche doesn't he!

He is playing me. Playing everyone. THere is def more to this story.

Don't the lawyers do a forensic accounting of all the assets anyway? DO I really have to search for all this crap?? I have some statements and a summary, and for sure money was spent on that chat room whore...have credit card statements, but don't the lawyers require all those documents anyway??

I do have a bank account. I did that day 2. I took a good chunck of the money out of one account knowing there are others he has access to that I do not. He was so pissed! Well, I had to protect myself. i was thinking he would turn off the CC and stop paying the mortgage and I didn't know what he might do because he is crazy- off the deep end crazy- right now. I changed the locks and that torqued him off huge! He was so pissed.

WTF???


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a moderator. We had an agreement no one would file the D papers yet without giving the other person notice. There were other agreements too.

Assume from here on out that he cannot be trusted to act in good faith on anything regarding this matter. Get a lawyer ASAP and don't trust anything he says that isn't signed and effing notarized.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happened to me (only I wasn't actually ever served. He just filed behind my back).

He is a lying liar who lies. Period. It's a page out of the handbook.

Go radio silent on him. Seriously. No contact other than kids and finances.

You can sign up for online access since your SSN is on the bank account info. Get access to the cell phone account, and go in and print all bank statements as far back as you can go.

Round up all your documentation. Put it in a safe place and make multiple copies. Digital copies, hard copies, stored in multiple places just in case.

The best defense is a strong offense. Nothing freaks them out more than NC. He wanted to throw you off balance? Please. The second you go silent, he will start to panic. Since he won't be able to get a read (control) of the situation, he will spin.

Lawyer up. No time for his bullshit games and pretend big words. He is being advised on all facets, including his communication via email. It's page 775 of the non-remorseful wayward manual, chapter 27: "How to pretend like I'm not truly a giant douche while steamrolling over my shell shocked BS". Don't give him a millimeter of control. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Take care, and you'll be in my thoughts!


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are still in shock and processing but your goal now is to protect yourself and your kids - period. He is clearly not your partner or friend - it's all about you and your children now. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4630 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 39
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