I know that those of you who have read previous posts of mine know that I have blamed my H for my A. I have placed the blame of it on him because of his EA, porn addiction and the way he treated me over the years. Well I think I finally get it. His EA and my PA are two separate things!
I have been linking them, giving them a cause and effect relationship. Because he...EA, I ...PA. I was all wrong!
I think somewhere along the way I mistook explanation for justification. I was asked why. So I thought that the answer to why was to explain away what I did then that was that. NO. That was all wrong.
What he did to me may have played a role but the choice to be unfaithful to BH was all mine. Other people could have been treated the way I was and stayed faithful. Some people are treated just fine, and even exceptionally by their BS, but still cheat on their BS.
Why, really means why did I think it was ok to take it to a PA level. I remember when I first started talking to AP, I was watching tv and a talk show was on, the women and men on the show were saying that Affairs were common, that like 50% of all couples experience an extramarital affair and in some cases it had fixed the relationship. It did not convince me completely I was like "that is ridiculous" how could an affair fix a relationship? Fact 1- I am gullible, why would I listen to such bullshit!
Then I talked to a female friend of mine about it, and she encouraged that behavior. But I look back now, and her life is so fucked up! Fact 2- I had bad friends with bad advice, coupled with my gullibility.
Deep down inside I knew it was wrong to cheat on ones spouse. But I never thought about getting caught. I am the person who loves sweets, and would eat them endlessly if there was no consequence of getting fat and diabetic. Fact 3- I will do things I think I can get away with.
Fact 4- I am vengeful, when someone hurts me I want to get them back.
Fact 5- I play the victim card. I was always like "H did this to me, he is such a jerk" while he may very well be a jerk, I don't have to take his crap. I could have left. Why not leave? Because then I would no longer be his victim.
Final Fact- I am selfish. I thought about my needs. But what about my children's need to have an honorable mother. My husband's need to have a faithful wife he could trust. My own need to have dignity and be healthy inside and out.
I took the quick fix. A guy to make me feel "good", a way to get back at my H, yet a huge blow to my honor and integrity.
But I get it now. My life could be so great, but I need to make the right choices, for the right reasons and instead of being passive aggressive, to be assertive.
I have been on here the last few days, searching and wandering like a lost person heading in the wrong direction. It has been exhausting, but I am ready and so glad to finally head in the right direction.
I am sorry sweetie, I don't care if you never are sorry for what you have done, I am sorry for what I have done to this marriage and to you!
I am also sorry if I misled any others, I hope they can come to the right mindset eventually too.