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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Physical rage?
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:58 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told ow's husband immediatly after I found out.He never laid a finger on his wife,but admitted yelling at her so she was frightened of him(and me).But he threw all their bedroom furniture down the stairs and burnt it all in the garden.He said to me "hang onto the anger as when that goes depression sets in"-he has been on antidepressants for the last 16 months since d-day.The black rage in me has died down,but I'm still angry about all sorts of issues,the good thing now is I can discuss this rationally with my husband without losing it.In particular,still angry about the way this has changed me as a person,and the sheer waste of time as the last 16 months has been more about survival than living life to the full.But we;re getting there...


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never actually hit him. But before DDay, during an argument when I was trying to figure out WHAT the hell was going on, I ripped a shirt off of his back. DDay, when I started crying after confronting him, he made a move to try to hug me, and I spun in place to face him, backed him into a counter physically, and told him that he never got to hold me again. Never laid a hand on him. During one of his confessions, my hand, as if it had a mind of it's own, flew out to slap him across the face. I stopped before I made contact, but I sure won't forget the look in his eyes. He was sure that I was going to deck him.

I have, however, cut up several things, smashed glasses, and put a crowbar across the windshield of his sports car as a warning. I also took the rage inside, and had several instances of me hitting myself in the head and arms, digging my nails into my flesh and scratching myself bloody, and other self-harm. Thing is, I know that if I ever lost it and touched him during those times, I probably would have a hard time stopping, so I was very careful, to the point of putting my hands behind my back or sitting on them, to not raise my hands to him. No matter how sorely tempted ...


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4784 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
burnedcanuckEMS
♀ Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I read the text messages on his phone from the OW on the night that I discovered the affair I completely snapped. I stayed calm enough to snap pictures of his texts and call history to the OW's number and then that was it. I stormed into our bedroom where he was sleeping (he had gone to bed at 6:00 pm that night and he was acting weird) and threw the phone at him as hard as I could. It hit him in the chest but bounced up because I threw it with such force, and hit him in the face beside his eye, which resulted in a black eye. That was enough, that was all I did, it scared me that I got so tunnel visioned and angry. I was blasted on here for mentioning this before, some people thought it was assault. I threw his phone at him, I didn't think thats anywhere near as bad as him sleeping with other women and potentially exposing me to a myriad of diseases.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a month of TT, I found out about another big lie and was so angry! I told him I wanted someone to beat him up and hurt him.
He came up to me and told me to hit him as hard as I wanted to. I decided to do it and balled my hand up in a fist and pounded on his cheek with it. It was a hard one but not as hard as I could have if I'd wanted to give it my all.
It left a red mark and I could tell his feelings were hurt because he teared up a little. I guess he thought I cared enough about him to not hurt him? Yea...me, too, about him.
I've since apogized for hurting him but it was less than he deserved.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never hit anyone in my entire life. I have 2 grown sons who I never even spanked and never allowed my H to spank them either. I grew up with a father who thought "discipline" meant a beating with a belt. I vowed not to raise my kids that way.

After several months of TT and broken NCs, I finally flipped one day when I discovered he had sent her an email for her birthday. I was BEYOND livid. His continual lies and explanations of "she has cancer, I wanted to make her feel better" (of course, she was lying). I finally lost it. He was sitting on the chair with the laptop in his lap - I took and it shoved it in his face which made his nose bleed and he got a swollen cheek from it.

Do I regret it - HELL NO. He should be happy thats all he got that night.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Nov 2007
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help but notice all of these replies are from betrayed wives..not husbands.

I wonder,if the genders were reversed,how would this be viewed? Men hitting their WW's? Im pretty sure there would be an uproar.

As I said..I slapped WH on dday. I immediately apologized...I felt horrible..not so much that I slapped HIM..but that *I* slapped my husband...someone I loved. It made me feel bad about *me.*

I do understand that rage. I also understand that in *that* moment, some of us were so incredibly traumatized upon discovery that we lost our minds. This is not an excuse...I know it happens..because it did,indeed,happen to me. But that doesn't make it "ok."

We are responsible for our actions...just as our WS's are responsible for theirs. We didn't make them cheat...and they didn't make us slap them. If you are so angry that you feel yourself losing control...walk away. Go into your closet and scream..go out to the garage and punch a heavy bag. Put pics of OW..or your WS..on the bottom of your shoes..and run. Whatever you need to do to release that rage...but don't lower yourself to abuse. Don't allow yourself to be in a position of having to ask your WS not to call the police because you don't want to go to jail. Daddy cheating on mommy is just as bad as mommy hitting daddy. Both will affect your children in a terrible way...you can not change your WS's actions..but you can control yours.

Anger is understandable..rage is understandable. But it needs to be managed. Hitting your spouse is not ok..regardless of their gender.

Do they deserve to get their ass kicked? Hell yes. I've wanted to rip my WH's dick off and shove it down his throat..every other day for the first few years. But you can not let your rage get the best of you. Don't let it control you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7370 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do understand that rage. I also understand that in *that* moment, some of us were so incredibly traumatized upon discovery that we lost our minds. This is not an excuse...I know it happens..because it did,indeed,happen to me. But that doesn't make it "ok."

We are responsible for our actions...just as our WS's are responsible for theirs. We didn't make them cheat...and they didn't make us slap them. If you are so angry that you feel yourself losing control...walk away. Go into your closet and scream..go out to the garage and punch a heavy bag. Put pics of OW..or your WS..on the bottom of your shoes..and run. Whatever you need to do to release that rage...but don't lower yourself to abuse. Don't allow yourself to be in a position of having to ask your WS not to call the police because you don't want to go to jail. Daddy cheating on mommy is just as bad as mommy hitting daddy. Both will affect your children in a terrible way...you can not change your WS's actions..but you can control yours.

Anger is understandable..rage is understandable. But it needs to be managed. Hitting your spouse is not ok..regardless of their gender.

Do they deserve to get their ass kicked? Hell yes. I've wanted to rip my WH's dick off and shove it down his throat..every other day for the first few years. But you can not let your rage get the best of you. Don't let it control you.

Exactly. This is spot on.

I did get my rage out in other ways, like burning his clothes in the driveway, yelling at him, crying, drinking, etc. But never ever ever would I hit him.

And you are correct, if it was the MALE BS hitting his wife???? All hell would break loose.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never hit WH but I certainly understand the rage that comes up. I have often heard new reports of spouses that attack or even kill each other in the heat of the moment. I unfortunately get that know. I remember thinking a couple of months after dday, that I understood how a person could do that - you just go blind with rage and that's all you see. On dday, I was in such a state of shock, I think I just went numb for a while. When I got in touch with my anger and rage (a few months out), all I wanted to do was smash up his cars.

There are some great songs out there that gave voice to my anger, so I listened to those a lot. Screamed in my car at the top of my lungs, called the two of them every name and insult I could think of. Wrote his name on the bottom of my shoes and stomped around - literally dragged their names through the mud!!! I work out a lot to give that energy a place to go - lots of kickboxing works for me. Some of the anger got turned inward too, beat up on myself a lot. I keep reminding myself that I did the best I could and not blame myself for what happened. He's the one that is broken, he's a serial cheater, cheated on the wife before me, cheated on me and will cheat on the OW. It's only time. I know that he will keep going through woman and ultimately, will end up a lonely, old man. I am a loving woman and will have love in my life because I have it to give. He does not. So, in a way, that makes me feel better, knowing that my life will be sweet. He will be forever using other people to fill up the hole inside him, that broken place......


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH asked me to hit him. And I did.
Of course, physical abuse is wrong.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I slapped fWH on two occasions. Not proud of it.

I self-harmed on another occasion - scratched my face viciously until it was bleeding, slapped myself and tore at my hair (which is sad as I had already lost a shit-load of hair from stress after D-Day.... why would I go and tear more out? )

I have always been very, very against violence. I have always been quick to judge people who strike out in anger. Not anymore. I will never believe that violence is a good thing or that it is justified, but what I have realised is that when someone hurts you right down to your very core, it is possible to lose all control.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 958 | Registered: Oct 2012
lifeishard24
♂ New Member
Member # 40375
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A man's perspective. I never, ever, ever hit my spouse. Even when I found out. Rage? Lots, but I vent by yelling and yes, I said things i regret. Verbal abuse? You can call it that. But even though I didn't resort to violence, it hasn't stopped my wife from accusing me of it. And I can tell you first hand, it can derail your marriage counseling, and once you're accused, you're GUILTY of it. Pretty much terminated our sessions with MC. A nice, built-in tool that cheating wives can use at their disposal. Something perhaps cheating husbands can't resort to.


Looking forward to the time when "trust the action, not the word" is no longer applicable

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@lifeishard24....It's very common for WW's to accuse their BH's of spousal abuse. It's very common for them to tell the OM they're scared of their husbands...it gives the OM an opportunity to play KISA.

I read your other post..your WW told your child she should be scared of you because you might hit HER(the child) and she should lock her bedroom door at night. Did she ever tell your DD that was bullshit? She told your MC the same thing? Why are you trying to R with a woman who is accusing you of such horrible things? To tell that to your child is absolutely vile.

Oh..cheating husbands tell their OW we are crazy,don't have sex with them,don't love them,etc. Im sure some have said they are afraid their BW's might hit them in order to get sympathy and attention from an OW...it's just not as common as WW's telling that to their OM.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:20 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7370 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
lifeishard24
♂ New Member
Member # 40375
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I still love my wife and want nothing more than for all this to stop. I guess having a piece of her heart is better than having none of it. Does this cause me self-loathing? Yes. I'm a 225 pound , thick, strong man who works out 7 days, a week and I'm an easy target to be labeled as an abuser. To be reduced to a crying baby is hard for me to understand, but that's what I've become. I feel my inner strength is being tested to the limit. Counseling was bullshit and prayers have not been answered. What does that leave me? I occasionally see my old wife looking at me at times, the one with love in her eyes, and she still talks about our future together. I chalk this up to a mid life crisis. I just can't give up on us. I won't give up.


Looking forward to the time when "trust the action, not the word" is no longer applicable

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's more than a mid-life crisis...have you noticed the betrayed men's thread in the I can relate forum? I think if you posted there,they could really help you. They're a great bunch of guys who have been where you are right now.

Being accused of DV is very serious. Carrying a VAR around on your person all the time would be a good idea.

I didn't mean to question why you are trying to R with your WW...even though that is exactly what I did. Many of us are trying to R..with what seems like impossible odds. My concern was that you are putting yourself in danger of being arrested..or losing your children. Im sorry I didn't word it that way.

Here is the link to the Betrayed men's thread..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502673&AP=981

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:58 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7370 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
lifeishard24
♂ New Member
Member # 40375
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I will definately look there. Protecting yourself from the label of abuser is impossible. Those that know me would never believe it anyway. My daughter has bought into the bullshit. It was a smokescreen thrown up to take the attention away from the real issue, and it worked. At least as far as counseling goes. Even though he said he would not see us individually for our marriage problems, he IS seeing her individually because she "is being abused". During our counseling when it first emerged, I was sent "for an evaluation". I came back with a letter that basically said all testing was normal (blood work, psych) and any anger was "related to wife's affair". Needless to say, that only served to escalate her attempt to classifly me as such. That's when she started to involve our daughter and her sisters. I have a very strained relationship with my daughter. Until this, we were very close. That part saddens me as much as the affair. I feel I stand to lose so much unless I can right the wrong. I am aware that I can't control what she does, and this may end badly. The pretending to be happy ritual is tiring however. But I continue on. Maybe I'll take away something from these threads that will encourage me to continue or allow me to find the strength to walk away, something I do not want to do.


Looking forward to the time when "trust the action, not the word" is no longer applicable

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
angryanya
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Member # 40316
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last weekend, 4 weeks after Dday, WH told me (under duress of course) how his drunken one-night stand with OW turned into a 6 month long affair. How in the cold, sober light of day, he actually tracked her down on Linkdin and was the initiator of this catastrophe.

Unfortunately, I was super drunk, and what happened after that is a horrible blur. But in the morning, I could see HUGE bruises on his inner arm that I had inflicted - and so can everyone else at the moment. I am so deeply ashamed of myself for my behavior. I feel like this loss of control has diminished my power and certainly my self-righteous anger. I am still pissed off, but I realize I need to address my anger management issues in IC. Wish I had kept it together and not put myself in this position.


Me: BS 36
Him: WH 36
Married 13 years, together 15
DDay: July 18, 2013
DD: 3
DS: 1

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being betrayed changes something. Absolute betrayal killed something inside me that was easy and gentle and kind. It died. Suddenly and violently.

I never hit him. I never broke any dishes. I did not have the energy at first. But I can remember being dumbfounded one day when WH walked behind my van. The engine was running. I was in gear, waiting to back out of a parking space. He had just handed my children movie passes in place of CS/grocery money as a "fuck you" power play and now he was walking behind my vehicle...... Only the very real fact that my kids were in the car kept him alive that day.

But I imagined (oh Holy Hell I cannot even describe) I imagined terrible terrible things. I LONGED for the days of public stonings. I yearned for him to hurt as if it would extinguish the PAIN within me...

I understand the physical reaction. I cannot judge anyone who followed through on these things in that moment. It would be hypocritical.

I cannot reconcile this "temporary insanity" reaction with Domestic Violence. I don't think the law can either or there would be no "temporary insanity" defense. In some ways a violent reaction falls under the category of consequences. I am not condoning violence or suggesting that continued expression of the pain in violent ways is healthy or acceptable.

Self control is desirable in all situations. Lack of seems to be what got all of us here in the first place.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5798 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^This^^^


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's is never a reason to be physical - NEVER!!!

I was held by the throat against a wall by my son's father. I simply walked.

To put your hands on another human being is so wrong.

I was mad,hurt, beyond red but never was violence an answer.

In my job I have seen the results and irl it is horrible


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 55
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