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Newest Member: lynnde (44729)

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User Topic: For those who have chosen to stay
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With regards to the murders and suicides, I am pretty sure I don't fit into that category.

My husband is not abusive. He gets up every day - goes to work. We deal with family issues. We all went out for dinner and a movie a few days ago. We support our kids - their activities.

We go to church together. We are both good people.

We are both frozen in fear, disappointment, and for him - shame and guilt. We are stuck and have been unable to move on.

Maybe I have painted a picture that is not true. I have a family that I love and a home to live in and most everything I need. I just don't have the relationship I want with my husband.

I appreciate all the advice. I have been searching for IMAGO counselors near me. That sounds like it might be a fit for us.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You both misread my post... the husband was not the murderer, it was his son that became a murderer. There are more consequences to staying and showing our children a very dysfunctional family then we may realize. Just as my H and his half dozen siblings whom have ALL cheated, most of whom can't even financially take care of themselves, and are all happy using others for their own gain.

It was an extreme example, but it was an example to show how that mother thought she was doing a service to her children by staying as well, when in fact she allowed them to be totally warped in their views of what life was really like and they turned out to be monsters. Much like my H's family as well.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I have painted a picture that is not true. I have a family that I love and a home to live in and most everything I need. I just don't have the relationship I want with my husband.

That was me. And, though I didn't want a relationship with a cheater, it took me over 12 years to realize I could have a very good life without a relationship with my husband. Making that decision made all the difference in the world.


Posts: 5617 | Registered: Jul 2002
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not all that great any more. No zest for living. Overreact about most things. Hurt easily. Feel like I have no options. I don't even like being with me.

I do think that we are both depressed.

We are both frozen in fear, disappointment, and for him - shame and guilt. We are stuck and have been unable to move on.

An IC would help you address your depression, fear and disappointment.

An IC would help your fWH address his depression, shame, guilt and disappointment.

Until the messy little bits are cleaned up and put in their proper places, it's unlikely a MC could tackle the marriage problems.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I chose to stay, and try to R from before I even had proof of an A. I knew something was up for months. I had been raised however to take care of myself and my kids. To not depend on a man for anything. So during the A when he was emotionally abusive to me, and I was so broken and lost I did see an attorney, and got lots of good information on what would happen should I choose to D.
One thing I knew for certain was LIFE IS SHORT - BE HAPPY, If youre not happy figure out what you have to do to be happy.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that had my H not put forth the effort to fix himself and heal, I would have been done.

I felt it was more important to raise my kids with at least one parent that was happy, healthy and knew what a healthy relationship was, and looked like. I certainly did not want to raise the same codependent kids that I became. My dad cheated, my mom stayed. She was hateful and angry most of my life. She had a short temper, and was horribly mean to my dad. He was a functional alcoholic, so yah I came out of it a little codependent. I didn't want my kids to think that it was normal for the wife in a relationship to be told she was never good enough, never cooked the right food, never had the house cleaned just right, never disciplined the kids the way he wanted. NO I was not going to allow that. I want my kids to grow up and see a healthy marriage, and what real love looks like. With a lot of hard work on both our parts we have done just that.

My H figured his stuff out, and fixed it. He treats me with love and respect, and I him. We quibble, we laugh, we are mean to each other at times, but we both love each other, and and we are happy.

Don't settle with miserable. This is a horrible lesson for your kids. Love and respect is what makes a healthy relationship. If you allow it to go on in it's broken state it will. If you demand better, you may be surprised by what you get. Either way you deserve to be happy. Life is short, don't spend it in a way that you will regret.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8229 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in a deep depression and really down. I feel that each day I'm getting better and healthier. If my WW is not going to join me and jump in with both feet to fix this marriage, I will eventually complete the seven stages of grief and move on. She's starting to get the picture and dedicating herself to this marriage.

I've read a lot on the 180 and a lot of people think that it's about trying to get your spouse to notice you. The reality is that it is about you and removing the dependency you have been living in.

I really could relate to this post. I had major depression as well with suicide ideation and attempt. I have been going through the grief stages and going through them thoroughly, it has not been easy. WH sees the stages of grief and he sees me getting healthier and stronger. A LOT stronger than I was before. He is making changes and recognizing his thoughts and behaviors that were pre-A thinking.

The 180 was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am no longer emotionally dependent on my WH and it is a freeing feeling.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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