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User Topic: Bickering
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How do you all deal with the bickering? I'm putting this in General since I'd like to the the WS as well as the BS point of view.

We had an fight on the way to work this morning. It all started when WW did not like the way I asked about my daughter's weekend plans. It slowly escalated into a petty argument about nothing. We are only 3 weeks from DDay. I'm not in a place where I can sense something is brewing and walk away. I'm still in the hurt/pain stage and haven't had a decent sleep since DDay so my guard is down and my "Well, you did … blah, blah, blah" is up.

My concern is that my WW's stance that "I'm not being nice to her" doesn't hold up since I'm not yet in a good spot. In the last week, she's started efforts to make up, but they are small tokens. A hug, "I'm sorry," making my lunch, left me a card). There hasn't been a big "I Love You THIS MUCH and will do ANYTHING to save this marriage!!!!" (including sucking it in if I feel like you attacked me).

Our MC put it in terms of the WW broke my leg and me, the BS, hurt her toes. I feel that the WW is more worried about her toes than fixing my broken leg by snapping back.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
Phoenix9572
♀ Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am kinda dealing with the opposite - we are walking on egg shells around each other. I don't want to start something that is going to make me feel like he's going to run back to his "friend" or the web-sites and I don't think he wants to upset me because I'm about to the point of filing for D. Its a mess. Our MC says we have to find a way for both of us to express our hurts without continuing to wound each other.
I'm sorry that things seem so difficult for you. I can relate to all the anger and finding it hard to "be nice". Our MC has also pointed out that my WH just isn't wanting to deal with the consequences of his actions.
You have every right to feel the way you do and take as long as you need to process those feels. Your WW will just have to deal with it. If she is really owning her piece and wanting to work through things for R, she will let you work through what you need to do.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that the WW is more worried about her toes than fixing my broken leg by snapping back.
You just nailed it. I hate to say this but it sounds like your WW is heavily invested in doing the bare minimum for R. You're absolutely right. The level of effort she's putting into these gestures shows she really does not understand the enormity of the damage caused be her A. Not only is she more worried about her toes but she seems to think a band-aid and a little ointment will fix your broken leg right up.

p.s. I do have point of contention with your MC's analogy though. While it is very illustrative, it does not address that it isn't just you with the "broken leg". Your M at least has a broken leg as well. Not only do you need healing from the A but so does the M.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, I don't think either the bickering or egg shells are any healthier. The MC has told her in both of our sessions that her job is the focus on me and our marriage. Maybe she is not yet willing to come to terms with herself. Good luck Phoenix!

Brandon, thanks for pointing that out. I constantly feel that she wants to move on to R and get back to Normal. For me, Normal was what got us here and Normal was a WS. I'm not ready to throw out the MC yet. We've only had two sessions, but your advice is received.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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