Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: PTSD (44945)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What have I done threads
TemporalReset
♂ Member
Member # 40125
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Looking for dome really good "What have I done?" type threads, presumably on the wayward section.

My light in the fog isn't reaching WW. I'm hoping reading something by another wayward might break through the fog.

TR


Me: BS 40
Her: WS 32
Kids: 3,6
A1 - Summer 2009 PA, 2009-2011 Incomplete or False R
A2 - 2012-2013 EA
Status: NC AP, MC & R

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understand your post - you are thinking of sharing the site with unremorsefull WW...?

Think hard on that one. I shared this site with WH and from that point on, it limited what I felt safe posting, limited questions I could ask...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TR

I have to agree. For now maybe print of some resources like Joseph's letter etc

I think it is to early to share SI in your situation.

Without owning her actions as infidelity. Without embracing remorse and responsibility - giving up the haven of being able to vent and discuss as you need here could be a risk.

Maybe just wait a little while give her some reading suggest some books - give her some room to show you that she is accepting her role in this and prepared to begin work.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 634 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TR

Have you seen this one?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Reading this had the singular largest impact on my H. After this full acceptance of his 'friendship' as infidelity hit him. He began the journey of giving me discloure.

He finally owned and admitted there had been physical encounters. and fully owned that the special bond between them was infidelity fuelled fantasy, and a betrayal of our marriage.

I printed it and gave it to him.


best wishes.

Meg

[This message edited by MegM at 8:56 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 634 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
TemporalReset
♂ Member
Member # 40125
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all!

No I wouldn't share the site, i'd print out what in need.

Joseph's letter seems more aimed at a WW spouse who won't be open. I'm not even there yet. I need something that will help WW "get it". She doesn't seem to understand she's living in a compartmentalized fantasy land. I can see she wants to come out but I don't think she's willing to take the words from me. I tried.

I tried telling her that the things I'm feeling are real but she's using whatever psychological walls she's erected to block me out. Right now, I'm the one that is delusional and not seeing the whole picture according to her. I don't see all the things she's doing for me.

Today, a txt came in from OM while I was near her phone. I fell apart. She tried to brush it off and tempt me with sex. I told her I wasn't in the mood for it and walked away. This led to a whole discussion about her not getting it and she's been angry with me ever since.

I'm strong and patient. I'm not letting her mind-f*ck me anymore. I know my real wife is in there somewhere. I just need to get to her. And yes, if I can't, I'm prepared to walk away.


Me: BS 40
Her: WS 32
Kids: 3,6
A1 - Summer 2009 PA, 2009-2011 Incomplete or False R
A2 - 2012-2013 EA
Status: NC AP, MC & R

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many here recommend you do the 180 which is explained in the Healing Library.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

Have you demanded NC and that she change her cell nbr?


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TR

Are you asking for a thread / article that will help her to own her infidelity and wayward behaviour patterns (like compartmentalisation)?

there are a number in the healing library under confrontation / discovery.

Really you can give her all of these resources and at the end of the day she will need to make a choice. That she wishes to be a whole and authentic human being. And then even on the other side of that is another choice - to love you and be true to herself.

I really encourage you to have a look at some of the reading that will help you. some of the material in confrontation in the healing library will really help.

I am glad you are feeling stronger and calmer and more aware of her games.

I am not sure from all of your posts if have clearly expressed your own boundaries in terms of her behaviours and thought processes.

TR - you can't change her, you can't do any work for her. It is absolutely worth the effort to put the material in front of her. But at the end of the day the only person who can protect you is YOU. It is critical that you have a list of conditions and contributions that will build an evironment you can heal in. If that environment can't be established in your marriage - you will not be able to heal there. And if you can't heal there you can't reconcile there either.

I might be on the wrong track. I offer all of this gently. But just want to encourage you to take balanced steps. Put those things in front of her - but before you do get clear in your head what you need, what you will NOT accept - and mean it.

I don't want to burden you with stories about our early weeks and months. But will say in the first 6 weeks I made such a mess. I showed him every weakness. And although he felt care and love towards me and we were 'bonding' every chance we got. he lied and drip fed me the truth.

And then I found my limit. Stepped up and turned away from him. He had my 'list' for weeks - but was still gas lighting and minimising that he had been unfaithful at all.

Only when he hit the edge of the cliff did he turn back and begin unravelling his lies and deception.

I feel sick thinking about that time.

If she isn't going to take those first steps - it will be impossible for her to get to the next ones. I am glad you can see how very early in this process she is - I have to ask you though ... Is she in it at all?

Blessings always to you TR.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 634 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately until she is willing to go NC with the OM, you are fighting a lossing battle. She is still in the "fog" and nothing that she reads will bring her out and make her say, "What have I done". If seeing the destruction of the marriage and the hurt she is causing you by continuing to have contact with the OM does not bring her out, nothing at this point will. Sometimes you have to let them go and see for themselves what their lives will be like without you.

I know that is what brought my WH#2 out of the fantasy world he had built with OW. When I said I was done and had enough, he knew that he was fixing to lose everything that really meant anything to him. I would no longer let him cake eat and have a 3rd party in my marriage.

It was not fair to me and I did not deserve such treatment from the person that was suppose to love me. I did not want a D, but he knew that I was fixing to file for one. He did not love the OW and I knew that, because I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave me for her.

I wished I could say he was the perfect remorseful spouse, but I can't say that either. He is a conflict avoider and the A was causing a lot of conflict in his life.

He is now transparent and has NC with the OW. She has attempted to break NC on several occasions during the past year, but he knows if he does I am through. He now sees her for the desperate woman that she is and I am beginning to finally feel a little safer in the relationship. Will he cheat again with someone else, who knows? But if he does, he knows he will lose me and everything else he has worked so hard to build.

I am not saying it will work for you as I don't know your WW, but how you are handling it now doesn't seem to have had any affect on her. You need to man up and take control of the situation for your own sake. Until you start putting your own needs ahead of hers, she will continue using you as a door mat. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried telling her that the things I'm feeling are real but she's using whatever psychological walls she's erected to block me out. Right now, I'm the one that is delusional and not seeing the whole picture according to her. I don't see all the things she's doing for me.

Yep, she's doing a lot...

Today, a txt came in from OM while I was near her phone

She's still having an affair. Even if the physical aspects have ceased, the emotional affair is continuing.

Implement the 180.(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11). Realize that this tool is all about healing yourself. It's not designed to do a thing to help her *see the light*. She obviously doesn't understand the pain or merely doesn't care. You have become option B in her eyes. At the very least, please treat yourself as Option A.

Until she goes N/C with the OM, there will be no chance for R unless you are ok with 3 in the marriage.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best, most effective way for her to get it, is for you to put her shit in trash bags and tell her to GTFO.

I know that is not the answer you want to hear. I know you think there is a magic sentence that will cause the clouds to part and the rays of sunshine to once again strike her face.

There isn't. "Niceing" a cheater back into a marriage doesn't work. Ever.

Go hard or go home is your most effective tool in the playbook. Good luck.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.