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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Have you forgiven yourself for your failings?
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is such a wonderful sentiment blakesteel:

"We struggle hard on this type of conversation....a shame since we both really want the same thing...a geniune, authentic, real, deeply intimate relationship with each other."

It gives me a lot of hope. Are you in MC, because we have found that helpful in learning to talk to each other without blame and defensiveness. Also, I hear the book Nonviolent Communication is excellent.

Peace be with us all.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear cantaccept...I have never doubted God's existance. Our first daughter was born prematurely...did not waver in my belief in God. But, agian, I was very passive in my relationship with Jesus. When did I start to change? Probably shortly into becoming a Dad....really started to intentionally do things...just as a Dad, not as a husband. I wasnt ignoring my wife, and she wasnt ingoring me...we just never made our relationship a priority...just thought we would find time "later". We were heading towards a kid-centric marriage. Not good.

My new relationship with Jesus started about 3 years ago when my wife encouraged us to do a "small group" bible study. At first it felt wierd...couldnt relate to others who spoke of doing daily "devotionals" and being open to and recognizing Gods calling. Then I started to ponder this...and my relationship started to grow.

It was ramping up pre-A...but the A has really added energy to my faith journey. I am closer to God then I ever have been...and feel like I am walking towards him most every day. It is said that God only uses "cracked pots"...I have never been so broken down as I have upon adultery entering my marriage. I had to get beaten down so much that I gave up the false sense of control I had developed over the years.

At a particularly low point in my journery through my wifes affair I was eating breakfast at a cafe at 5:30 am. I was reading a book on infidelity. There was only one other table of people eating there...an elderly man and his wife (in their 80's). She came over to my table and said "At least your partner doesnt talk back to you!" as she pointed to my book (which was upside down so as to keep my struggle private). I smiled and looked to her husband still sitted at the table..he smiled kindly. Then she said "You know, I use to pray for peace...but God just kept sending me more trials...so I stopped praying for peace."

I was in shock as I had said a prayer for peace just before she approached me. I had no words for her. She smiled and her and her husband paid their bill and left.

I have several other experiences just like that encourage me that I am on a good path...and that God is with me. He is with each of us...always has been. For me, I had a lot of pride in my own accomplishments...felt I was really responsible for myself by myself many times....I see that as foolish now...and with a tinge of hypocritical too...because I am really starting to understand how unhealthy and untrue that really was. In fact, had I NOT been turned this way I don't think I would have allowed my wifes affair to hurt me like I did. Since I felt such personal responsibility for my success's I put that same mode of operation into my wifes decision to committ adultery....

"Surely I did something to make this bad thing happen...because I did other things to make good things happen." attitude is not healthy or real...but I had it.

For the record...what I am doing and feeling now is 180 from how I operated in the past. So yes, I feel the hypocrit type of feeling too.

I deal with this in that I believe the devil likes us to look to the past and remind ourselves of our failures. I believe God desires us to look to the future and see our positive potentials. So I try to be obediant to God and disregard the devil. KWIM?

Dear bionicgal....we have been in MC for almost a year.

For the past 4 sessions we have tried to manuever the minefield that is our communication style right now...with not much success. My wife and I both recently agreed that MC is important...and that our current MC has done what she could for us. She has initiated a search for a new MC....

We are doing the Love Dare right now...take about 30 days total. We agree to finish this love dare and re-establish a MC into our journey...we expect this to happen within the next 30 days.

I recognize pride is at play here...that is a lot of our issues.

I will look into Nonviolent Communication book...thanks.

I have read 20 or so books thus far....Janis's book on Forgiveness has me backed up a bit. I feel like Lucy at the end of that candy conveyer belt....the candy just keeps coming and I can only work so fast.

This is a marathon.....it takes time.....boy, do I wish I could fully accept this.

This is where my faith is challenged. God has a plan for me...he will not abandon me....but it will be on His time frame, not mine.

"God seldom comes early, but he is NEVER late."--Joyce Meyers.

See...I am still struggling with many things. But thank you both for your kind compliments. I apprecite them.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:12 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Priority summaries....

Pre-A
Job (not a classic workaholic (no 80 hour work weeks), but definately put my energies towards it first)
Family
Wife
God

Post-A
God
Wife
Family
Everything else..including job.

Big shift...bucks society hard. Felt wierd at first...feels more and more right.

Thought this short post was needed to firm up how my faith has shifted over my lifetime. Hope it captures my ongoing journey well.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:15 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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