Yes, you make perfect sense.
I have to keep telling myself "It's not my fault he's broken because I'm awesome!" I just made myself smile.
But, I've been on a bummer for last few days because of darn triggers. Usually, I'm really good at letting go, but I'm in pain again...just like you. Feel it, tell him, and let it go. MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I know. :(
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
For me there were two big factors at play with letting go of the pain. There is a distorted comfort in the pain. I was in it for so long I knew what to expect. Expecting the pain protects me from anymore let downs.
Which brings me to the second reason. I saw my pain and it's expression to my fWS as the motivation for her growth and healing. If I seemed OK than her work was done.
And besides that OK is where the A happened. And that is a seemingly scary place.
I have found with work and time there is a new normal. A new OK. With different rules and different people and a different path. And that one is not as Scary
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I am almost 8 months out. Those feelings were very strong for me. But i think it was more about me...how could i be OK with myself if i allowed him back in...how could i live with myself if i let someone who is capable of this back into my life? Everytime i felt that glimmer of okay-ness, i squashed it. I resisted because i felt like me feeling OK was the same thing as me saying what he did was OK.
Only now am i beginning to allow myself the feel and accept the okay feeling. I'm starting to wrap my head around the fact that what my WH did was about him...not me. Its still hard, and i am no where near OK. But i know that allowing myself to feel OK is a big step towards rebuilding our marriage...and rebuilding myself. Feeling good doesn't mean what he did was OK...it doesn't absolve him of anything. It just means that we are making progress. It means I am making progress.
hugs to you
That glimpse may only be fleeting at first, and once you notice it, it may flee like a panicked rabbit, but hopefully, little by little, that feeling that you will be OK, that you will be all right, that you'll not only survive, but thrive at some point, will stop feeling so foreign and strange, and start to feel like a pair of well broken-in shoes that you can slip on without noticing.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
..learning in 2009 that my entire 40 years with my gf/wife were based on lies, that she secretly met with my bf for bj's for nearly half of those years, including our courting years, has re-written my entire marital history.
..I will never be OK, as much as I would like to be..
this massive betrayal of love, marriage, friendship, family.. the corruption of truth, honour, loyalty, decency and trust.. is just too much to ever think i could be OK with as an outcome of my life.
..my imaginary life ended at 62.
..since then, i've been trying to figure out my next life.
..so, to me, ..your post makes complete sense!!!!
I saw my pain and it's expression to my fWS as the motivation for her growth and healing. If I seemed OK than her work was done.
This for sure, and that's definitely how he would interpret things. Another part is that it keeps me on my toes, aware, ready, with goals, plans, purpose and determination.
My new normal has been both empowering and at times brutal.
There is something extra monstrous about carrying on an A after DDay. I still can't get past this part of my WH's A. Although, it did allow me to see the part that allowed the A to happen in the first place and probable personality disorder.