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User Topic: Is there hope?
Nohopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 40356
Helpless  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting here. Wasn't sure how to title. There is so much going on in my mind and so many issues. My story is in my profile.

I guess the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the roller coaster I've been on. The problem is I've been stuck in a valley for too long. Is this normal? My husband wants me to get on meds and I'm beginning to think I might need to but I also don't want him to think I can just take a pill and get over what he has done to me.

Issue number 2. I feel no love for my husband. Is this normal, will it return? We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of DD 3 and I feel more and more disgusted with him than ever.

Issue number 3. I'm tired of being his mother and telling him what he needs to do to make things better. All he does is tell me he loves me a million times a day and throws in some I'm sorrys here and there. I need him to show me he is working on our marriage. I've always been the director of the household and I'm done. I have worked my ass off for over a year reading every book I could get my hands on, counseling, journaling, prayer. I've gotten no where but to a place where I simply don't like him very much. Every time he says he loves me, it triggers me. When he talks about "good" memories from the past he triggers me. I know we need to go back to counseling but I think he doesn't want to because of the cost. We've already spend thousands trying to save this thing and it seems like it is getting worse.

Issue 4- how do I know if there isn't some deeper issue behind his pattern of behavior. The only person that has mentioned possible sex addiction is our pastor. When I read about it he doesn't necessarily fit the mold but is there levels. Can some people just control it better than others?

I'm sure there is more I'm struggling with but my kids need my attention.

Thanks for any thoughts/advice/encouragement

I have no one I can talk to in real life. I learned early on that not all friends are capable of being supportive of choosing to stay. they turned their backs on me so I've stopped confiding in friends.

[This message edited by Nohopeleft at 9:18 AM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always been the director of the household and I'm done.

This may come off like a 2 x 4, but it is just something to think about.

Then be done. Why do you ask if there is hope? You can not change anybody but yourself. Either you want to fall back in love with him, just as he is (assuming no further changes) and forgive him for what he has done, or not. The choice is yours, and no you can not make him do what you feel he "should" to work on the M.

I feel no love for my husband. Is this normal, will it return? We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of DD 3 and I feel more and more disgusted with him than ever.

It is probably quite normal after three d-days and if you don't love him a year after the last one, no, it is my personal opinion it will NOT likely return. Unless you do something to really work on your ability to love him again, if that is what you want to do. And nobody is saying you should want to do that. Again, it is up to you.

I have not read your story yet and maybe I'll understand better if I do, but I don't understand why you are still with him. You do not have to stay with someone just because that person says they want you to.


Posts: 5682 | Registered: Apr 2006
Nohopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply Bobbi_sue, I appreciate your thoughts.

I do want to find love for him but dont know how to love someone who has caused so much deliberate hurt.
I have considered doing the love dare to help with that but then I get caught up in the thought process of WHY am I the one who is doing all the work while he keeps living life like we always have and waits for me to heal.

As far as why am I still with him? For the kids. I am not ready to destroy their world when I still feel like there is a possibility for things to be healed and change. We get along great we just don't have a marriage.

I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling the things I feel. I need to get these feelings out.


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nohopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping in hopes of getting some more responses.


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there?? IDK?

Maybe you are trying to protect your heart?

I have gave a lot of thought to all this madness. I know I am not in love with my spouse. I know I love him but I am not that mad in love with him. He has hurt me to deeply to allow that.
I do want to be married and I love my family. I deeply love my family. Does this make sense? No but what does anymore in life!

I believe there could be hope but is he who you need now? That is what I ask myself all the time. Is he who I need now?? For now that answer is a yes. I am buzy working on me! I was busy raising kids all my life now it is my time.

You know we are all human we all make mistakes and bad choices in life. We are none perfect. That said though can you (will you) allow yourself to love him again? That is what it comes down to. He needs to work harder for your love. JMO.

But maybe you are just done?? I know when I am done with someone or something I have no feelings at all just a flat line of feelings. You don't have to rush anything on this..

I hope I was of some help..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 5

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