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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: love languages and apologies
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is some food for thought.

For some of us...our WS's apologies are just not working or are not enough.

Could it be they are going at it the wrong way? I would think that the apology that works would need to coincide with our love language.

My husband does by actions and some words. I am a verbal love language person. I need more written and verbal. He has only just begun to reach me on the written level and boy-has it made a difference.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 7:22 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some of us...our WS's apologies are just not working or are not enough.

We typically hold onto anger because we feel the person that caused the damage has not been punished and/or has not done enough to mitigate the damage.

You need to examine your feelings to determine why you are still holding onto the anger. An apology is a good step towards mitigating the damage, but as you said, this may not be enough. You are now hoping to have more of your emotional needs met, particularly greater admiration from your WH.

I recommend separating the healing process from pre-affair marital issues. That doesn't mean you still can't ask to have more of your emotional needs met, it's just a recognition that you are working on a marital issue separately from the healing process.

Once you have separated the healing process from marital issues, you can then begin to clarify in your mind what you really need from your WH to help you forgive. These would be things like maintaining NC, showing remorse, and comforting you when you are suffering emotionally as a direct result of the affair.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:09 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5611 | Registered: Aug 2007
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The part that seems to keep me from accepting the apology is that he is doing it his way.

I would figure that someone who has done the damage would work on ways to help in the healing. Not in his way, but for me. Truly tune into what I need and do it. I have given him examples and things that I need with explanations of how I need it.
I think the hard part for him is that he has been extremely selfish for years with me catering to his needs. I finally need him to cater to mine and it seems to just be too much for him sometimes.
He reaches out in a manner that works for him, but our love languages are so different that I don't respond. I get frustrated because he will go on and on about the things he does for me that I don't notice. Well, I do notice. It just isn't in a language I understand. I need him to speak my language and actually help in the healing. Instead he gets defensive and down right angry.
I fear that reconciliation may not mean as much to him as it does to me.
I have given him a third chance here and it seems he is squandering it and still doing things his way. He expects me to respond to his way of doing things. Well, me responding did me no favors all these years. It got me an unfaithful man is what it got me. I am sticking up for myself and all I ask is that he work on healing my wounds in a manner that is meaningful with me.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Topic Posts: 3

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