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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Letter to AP
Zugzwang
♂ New Member
Member # 39069
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post about my AE with an employee that I worked with for a time and ended up working at another location. We had an AE that was mostly done through texting.
Dear AP,
I have had a long time to sit back and reevaluate what happened nearly a year ago, what kind of person you are and what kind of person I am. I look back and think – how stupid am I, how idiotic I must have been to nearly give up everything (and still could.) You were not worth it.
At first I blamed myself almost completely, but upon reflection have come to see that you started texting me because of your lack of self-confidence. You initiated it, with your constant attempts to make me your KISA. If you were a better person, one with any self-confidence none of this would have happened. You are an emotional vampire. You had/have a long-term boyfriend. Why was he not your KISA? What is going on with your relationship that you couldn’t talk with him? Was he just tired of building you up all the time? And how is it that you get to go out drinking so often by yourself when you have a daughter at home? What kind of person leaves their daughter at home all the time to go drinking? A selfish self-absorbed one, that’s what kind. I hate you for your part in hurting my wife, ruining our lives, and ruining my self-respect.
You did all this when I as at my most vulnerable. My wife was suffering depression, I was in the middle of a mid-life crisis and our family was just not happy. I have come to realize that you were almost like a drug, my short-term fix – nothing more. Nothing would have come of things. I know that says a lot about me – I learned how selfish I am to put my own needs above my family, I should have been investing my time in fixing things at home but instead I was building you up. I realize it takes two to have an A; I am not skirting my part in this. If I was a better person I would have stopped it. I am working on trying to be a better person. Are you?
And as far as your friend goes – she is nothing more than white trash. Someone with morals would have discouraged what we were doing, not telling me details of your sex life, going out together, and feeding us both information about the other.
My wife is so much better than the both of you. She never would have participated in any of these activities and I am an idiot for turning away from her in favor of you and your friend’s attention. I hate you both for not doing the right thing.
Zugzwang
Those reading this might think I am completely blaming the AP and her friend. I am not. I know it was my responsibility as a husband to turn away from these types of people and run home and embrace my wife, but had difficulty during R understanding the full role the AP and her friend played.


WH(me) - 38
BW - 38
2 Kids 4 and 2
In R trying to work things out.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I wonder: did you send this letter? If not, perhaps consider keeping letters like this as a journaling activity. They can give you (and your BS, if you choose to share) insight into your thought processes.

But I would no longer give OW that insight.

IMO, the only communication she should receive from you should be along the lines of, "Do not contact me ever again, by any means. Our affair was a mistake, and I am working to reconcile with the wife I love."


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7964 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on your first post, and welcome to SI.

Not sure what feedback you are looking for, if any, but I hope you don't send this to your AP or the friend. It isn't worth the effort to do so as it really doesn't matter what the AP and her friend do, and it probably isn't going to make a difference to either except to let them know they both still have some hold over you.

As to the letter, it's a start, and I know you follow up at the end by saying you realize your responsibility in this, but it might go deeper than you realize in that everything you say to and about your AP is something you can also say about you. Her self-confidence? What about your own? Her going out and drinking leaving her DD at home? What about the time you stole from your own kids? Whe initiated...you responded...it doesn't matter. You are both the same. Like you said, it takes two...

I'm sorry that your wife was dealing with depression and I understand that MLC's do happen, in fact, I think I was on the verge of one when mine happened, but then I look back and see that I just had shitty boundaries, poor coping skills, and was always running instead of dealing. So that Harley in my garage isn't really the result of my MLC...it's just a result of shitty coping skills and poor decisions that exists for most of my adult life. MLC? Life? I'm working on it...

Anyway, you got a good start. Keep working.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Zugzwang and welcome to SI.

I hope you are not going to send this letter. It will serve no purpose whatsoever. If you are thinking of writing a No Contact letter, it should be short, to the point and without emotion. Almost legal-speak.

At first I blamed myself almost completely, but upon reflection have come to see that you started texting me because of your lack of self-confidence. You initiated it, with your constant attempts to make me your KISA.
Please do not put the blame on anyone but yourself. You could have said no at any point, couldn’t you? Unless someone was someone pointing a gun to your head, you made choices. And poor ones at that.

You did all this when I as at my most vulnerable.
I thought you said she lacked self confidence? So where is your part in all this by taking on and responding to someone who is looking for someone to be her KISA? YOU decided take on this role, no one else.

I realize it takes two to have an A; I am not skirting my part in this. If I was a better person I would have stopped it.
It does take two, but you should not belittle your part – and you are having a bit of a pity party now that things have turned sour.

If you have not already browsed the healing library, I suggest you do so. There is plenty for you to read for both yourself and your BW.

If you want to do a No Contact letter, the outline should be succinct:

Dear AP,

I am writing to reiterate that any relationship we had is over. What I did was selfish, thoughtless and cruel and I acted in a way I didn’t think I was capable of. I deeply regret this huge error of judgment which has caused a great deal of pain to my wife, who I love dearly.

I want to work on my marriage and, in order to do so, I do not want any further contact with you or your friends.

Zugzwang

I don’t think there is any need to say anything more than that. Keep emotion OUT.

You have a long road ahead of you and the first thing you need to do (apart from look in the mirror) is get some individual counselling. And some couple counselling would probably not go amiss either.

Sorry to be shooting you down, but you don’t seem that remorseful. Maybe I reading you wrong. In which case, I apologise.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:57 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have been investing my time in fixing things at home but instead I was building you up

You still are...vilifying is the exact same focus.

You still need to invest your time fixing things "at home" (internally) because you have a long way to go.

That list of wife's depression, mid life crises, unhappy home life is valid for reasons of stress and challenges. Complete bullshit for the choices you made. Your choices, not the AP.

I'd honestly expect that reasoning from my 6 year old. Not someone that honestly recognizes and accepts total responsibility for their actions.

Just as home life is no excuse neither is the other person. They were simply a tool you used. She could be writing you the exact same shit.

Look inward. Focus there. Fix that.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has always blamed himself. Until recently, nearly a year after the affair has he seen the AP this way. He has always seen the AP as a good person that he took advantage of. (which according to phone records, texts, and FB messages is not true)

That is ruining our M and R. I don't want him to take on all the blame. I see it as a way of protecting her and her BFF.

It takes two to tango and I want him to look at the AP in a different light.

He wrote that letter, to express to me-that he no longer looks at the AP as a victim too. As someone he still has affection for.

And NO he will not send it. I wanted him to send a letter to his AP. I thought it would make me feel better if she knew what he felt about her. I realize now, after my recent posts-that it would not be a good idea. I have a big problem with the fact that she walked away from the EA feeling on top of the world, because of the things he said to her.

He is remorseful and is trying so hard. Hard enough to post that, in order to connect and make me feel valuable again.

But, I agree...he still needs to do some more work on his own self-confidence issues.

I think it is pretty brave (for all of you to post on this wayward side forum).

I hope it is okay for me to post on my H post.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 648 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW...this is two weeks till Dday anniversary.

We never sent a NC letter. We were advised by some posters not to send one so late in the R.

As it would show the AP she still has headspace, even though she still does for me.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 6:25 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 648 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has always blamed himself
blaming himself is not the same as taking responsibility. It can be a subverted form of a shame spiral that becomes mental masturbation. Same high, different chemicals. That's why people engage in self flaggelation. It like emotional cutting.

The goal is not to see her in a different light. It's to not see her at all.

While the letter may make you feel better it's a far cry from healthy thought processes being expressed. He's just pendulum hopped.

That's why I believe BS's need to detach and focus on their healing. Let the WS do what they need to do to start digging. At times the thing we feel will makes us feel better is the very last thing we should have.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry,

HE HAS ALWAYS TAKEN FULL RESPONSIBILITY.

He felt he and no other was responsible to our M for loyalty and fidelity.

I am the one that disagrees. I feel when the BS does not give any responsibility to the AP, then they see the AP as a victim.

He has insisted that he is indifferent to the AP. That does NOT sit well with me. We have been arguing about it for months. I feel he should have just as much disgust for her as I do. If we are to be a unit/pair against the world...then he should be disgusted with a women that tried to ruin it.

I vehemently disagree with everyone that wants to put all the blame and responsibility on the WS. The AP has a responsibility to society and family units (for those married a legal one) to NOT pull a M asunder!

Not all A's fit into one neat mold or package. My husband's was The Perfect Storm. His AP was a part of that. As a friend and employee she had the responsibility to stay out of our M. As a H, he had the responsibility to keep her out of it.

He knows why he did it...his lack of self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. His need for constant validation. His poor coping skills.

BTW in two weeks it will be a year. He has done a lot of soul searching these last 5 months. He is just late on the band wagon for posting. And only because I keep pushing him to do it for healing. NOT that a letter to the AP was my idea of his first post-lol

I think that was his desperate attempt to keep me from leaving today. (you can see why in the R forum for the trigger) To show me he doesn't care about the AP and finds her and her BFF disgusting.

He gets home in a few hours. I just hope this doesn't discourage him from posting in the future. I really feel it will help to talk to others on here. Before, it was with the AP's BFF. Then to me as I began to mellow out a bit.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 7:12 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 648 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has insisted that he is indifferent to the AP. That does NOT sit well with me. We have been arguing about it for months. I feel he should have just as much disgust for her as I do. If we are to be a unit/pair against the world...then he should be disgusted with a women that tried to ruin it.

For me indifference is the goal. Anything else is involving feelings, energy, thoughts.

Hate and disgust take a lot of energy.

Negative energy can be as consuming, if not more so, as positive energy.

I don't have the energy to spare for my AP. He's not worth my time.

[This message edited by broevil at 8:04 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1105 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
misskirby
♀ Member
Member # 34594
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HopefulMother, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I understand the need to defend your husband. Believe me, I do. The few times my FWH has posted on here, there have been responses that have made me want to come on and defend him. After all, I'm the one living with him and seeing the efforts. However, I think that it would be best if you step back and let him take what's given to him. Not in a negative way. Just in that you stepping in and taking care of it doesn't really allow him to make himself clear, you know? That being said, clearly the agreement is between you two and if you're both comfortable with it, it's your business.

Zugzwang, welcome. I hope that you find this site helpful and healing. I think that it's always good to get feelings out, no matter what they are. If this is how you're feeling, then it's good to express it. I hope that you've also read the other responses and are doing some thinking about what has been said.


Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost


Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knows why he did it

If he wrote the original post, no he doesn't.

Hopefulmother, if he's serious the few posts here challenging him on things he posted wont discourage or frighten him off. He can either clarify or defend on his own.

You're right, not all A's fit into one package. Healthy thought process do. They are static. Don't change. Those are missing from his post and yours.

I understand you're in pain. Pain is a real lousy captain. You'll end up on the rocks if you let it steer.

Detach, stop the bleeding, heal. He's perfectly capable of coming here and working through this.

I'm sorry you're hurting.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Us WS's can be, uh, blunt at times.

You're right, not all A's fit into one package. Healthy thought process do. They are static. Don't change. Those are missing from his post and yours.

This seems like one of them. Sorry if that's not what either or both of you want to hear. But it might just be what both of you NEED to hear. I've been there. Likely will be there again. And thankful for this place and these strangers who show me to me, and sometimes know me better than I know myself. Good luck on your journey. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HopefulMother,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34540 | Registered: Sep 2007
Zugzwang
♂ New Member
Member # 39069
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I had a feeling this post was going to be misunderstood. I have taken full responsibility from the beginning for the choices/mistakes I made. My BW has always had problems with that, thinking it was me protecting my AP. This was my way of showing her that wasn't the case. I did not send this letter.
I realize everything I said about the AP can be said of me too.


WH(me) - 38
BW - 38
2 Kids 4 and 2
In R trying to work things out.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zugzwang, why do you assume this post was misunderstood?

I don't think many people misunderstood. Your wife was getting ready to bounce. You don't want that. She's told you what she wants to hear and you provided it.

You're far from being unique in doing what you think is what she needs to hear or see to stay.

Problem is, taking responsibility and understanding your choices, identifying your thought processes, getting to the nexus of how you gave yourself the green light to make those choices can be very different things.

I can easily see something may be my fault. I may not understand how I failed without some serious work.

The human mind has always fascinated me as well as the atomic world. Learning about Heisenberg, Schrodinger, Diric, Born their work. They knew when shit didn't work but they didn't know why right off. These are some of the best minds.

I don't doubt you take full responsibility for your choices. Boundaries are a part of the process, though and hating someone on demand is not it.

Hate and love are not opposites at all. They're kissing cousins. Not a relationship that one should be comfortable with.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 16

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