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User Topic: Wishing for another a to make an exit
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't wish he would have another A, or look at porn again. But like Expect Delay, unless he deals with his FOO issues, or his character traits that led his shutting me out and numbing himself with porn and an A, I have an uncertainty about whether it will happen again. Because of that I feel a need to be prepared.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:09 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Pentup"........EXACTLY what I was thinking and trying to convey. You said the right word.....Push.

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Sep 2005
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you still be sitting in that undecided limbo, neither all in, nor all out, so you are hoping for another A to push you out because you can not stand the uncertainty, and can not think of anything that could push you all in?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
PhoenixStorm
♀ Member
Member # 35316
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no I would not wish to go through that pain again. However, I was so blind-sided by it all, I wish I could have seen and recognized the signs.
I would have liked to catch them red-handed, but I'm not sure if I wouldn't be serving prison time if so.
I suspect that he'll do it again, at some point. If so, I'm gone.


BS UNSUSPECTING FOOL 54
WH BECAUSE I'M THE MAN AND I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT 46
OW The weakest of the pack 41
DDay: 2/20/12 The most out of control day of my life
Trying to R - TRYING
UPDATE 5-10-14 OVER WITH IT!
DDAY2 5-10-14

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: In a state
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many many many many people here did not leave their marriage when the A happened. When they say it takes 2-5 years to heal, I also think it takes that long for a BS to actually understand, comprehend and even just truly accept the shit deck of cards they just got dealt.

Then if the WS never really did do the hard work to R, said they would but did not, the BS also out of fear maybe just rug swept a bit, was just happy that the WS seemed to want to be back and did not want to rock the boat to keep pushing for what they needed, then the WS read maybe one book and did the token 2 or 3 MC/IC type of things, AND a few years later we are back to the same behaviors by all that will implode once again.

The A is the tip of the iceberg as we all know here, if all the other behaviors are not dealt with then it will all still be eroding on the inside.


Posts: 5645 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know how you feel. And I know that once an A is uncovered, that's all the reason you need to leave.

However, it sticks in my craw that he would be able to tell himself and others that he really tried and was truly sorry, but his mean wife just could not forgive him.

A 2nd A would remove all that. We are all not stupid enough to think that another d-day would not be just as, if not more painful, but I know that I would not fight for the marriage for one single second.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if my H would cheat again ask me today I would probably say no (these days are very few )the ow lives 4 block from me so if he wanted it would not be a strech I worry about his hooker using past what if I get boring in bed thats why he did it before would I leave rite now I would say yes but I also said before any of the A's were known I would ever deal with a cheater yet here iam and the pain was so unbearable when he left for her I just wanted the pain to stop and i took him back so I dont know I think I will probably be his carpet for the rest of my life cuz I just cant deal with it I do love him to very much to so I guess it wouldnt matter if he did it again I would stay


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the point you're making, and I understand the logic and feeling behind it. However, I also think it's ok to just say: "You know what? I'm not happy", and leave. Yes, another A might make it "easier" to make that decision, but life can't always be easy.

My mom told me that separating from my dad was the hardest thing she ever did (and there was no A). If she hadn't though, they wouldn't have figured out what they really wanted, and what really makes them happy. (they did get back together after about 6 months of working on themselves)


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. There are days I feel the same way. I am not wishing that he cheats again by any means, and pray he doesn't.

I did not find SI until after my 2 DDay's, so I did not fully handle it the way I should have at the time. I requested things, but I did not make them deal breakers as I should have. He does know that if he ever does it again, our marriage will be over and I will divorce him and he knows that I don't trust him at all. Hopefully eventually he will be able to win some (not all) of my trust back. I have detached enough that I will not let it surprise or hurt me as bad as it did before and I am getting my ducks in a row should I ever need to end it. I will never let myself be that nieve again. Just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is normal and there are others that feel the same.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone is really hoping for another affair, but I completely understand the question.

As BS, what we all want is just simple confirmation that we've done the right thing. If we've stayed in our marriage, we've done it because we think it is the best thing to do -- but we're never 100% sure ... and we want to be sure. We want to lay down at night, and say, "Yep, I absolutely did the right thing!"

Having stayed with my wife, there are always lingering questions and that little bit of doubt (maybe a lot for some) ... and it's always going to be there to some degree. But ... if she screwed up again, then I could make an easy decision, and at least there'd be some sense of relief that I'd KNOW that I'd done the right thing. I think that's what the original poster might have been getting at.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes!!! I know he's broken nc but sometimes I wish I could catch him with someone so I could put this M out of its misery. I really felt that way after DD1 and before DD2 but I think it was because I kept feeling like things weren't right but I couldn't find anything. I know I can end my m any time I want but another A would surely put me into fast forward.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5037 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question really makes sense to me. Wishing for an A to happen isn't exactly my mindset at the moment, but if she did have another A, it would confirm that I would have been right if I had left the first time.

Once upon a time, I was of the belief that if my W ever had an A, I would leave. Well, she had an A and I stayed with her. Having her do it again, however, would be completely different because I have fully experienced the pain a BS feels as a result of a cheating spouse. I refuse to experience that pain again, so I would just leave, no questions asked. In fact, I already have my exit plan in place should it happen again. If WW had another A, it would just be so much easier to leave this time and it would clearly be the right thing to do.


Posts: 324 | Registered: May 2010
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tearingaway -- Agreed!


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 33
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