My life this week has been just surviving. I cry everyday. I was staying at my parents house last week because they weren't there, so that worked out. We separated that week. However, now I am in our house, together. Yesterday we talked and things seemed to be able to be worked out, he was transparent with me and answered all my questions (I worry that he is hiding more stuff, since he has been such a good liar).
Anyway, everyone thinks we are happy, nobody knows what is going on. We are sleeping in separate rooms and the tension is horrible, because I am sad, mad, depressed, a mess. How can we work this out? Is it even workable? I guess my question is, until i decide to D or R, do we have to fake in front of everyone that we are happy? Attend parties and meet with family? Also, How should I act if we are living under the same roof? Do I still cook dinner for two? And do our laundry? Do I talk to him about his day? Ignore him? Should I spend time with him or reserve myself to my room? I don't know how to act. I read the 180 in the healing library, and while it makes sense, I don't know if it applies to our situation. I kind of want him to see me hurt so he sees the consequences of his actions. I feel that if I start acting normal he will think I am over it. My parents want to come over tomorrow (we hang out all the time) and I don't know what to do.
Any advice will be appreciated. I have already received so much good advice in these past few days I am so thankful I found this site.
Dday#2 (6 weeks later) was when H chose to come completely clean. That time he told his brother (business co-owner), his mom and my mom. He didn't give them details but he told them that he was unfaithful to me (bit of an understatement) and that we would both need a lot of support and time to work through the mess he had created.
He chose to do this. I will say, it immediately showed me he was taking ownership of the disaster and it was a deposit in my trust bank.
I had thought I didn't want people to know because I didn't want our marriage judged but having him tell me that the most important thing was my mental health etc made a huge difference.
For me, faking it was too hard. And it made me really mad to be protecting HIM when he had so blatantly not protected me.
I do often wonder, however, if my mom was still alive if I'd have told her. I talk to her all the time now though, so wherever she is, she most definitely knows.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]
I regret that a little, as in the level of detail I gave out. But what came back at me was an extraordinary amount of support and love. I found strength in that. Since then, people who do not support me in our reconciliation have kept their distance and I am fine with that.
I did tell the kids, because their world was rocked. I told them that my ExWF had chosen to be with another girlfriend without telling me. I used it as an opportunity to show my kids that you dont need to accept bad behaviour.
When we started on the path to reconciliation, he apologised to my kids, and that meant a lot to me.
(btw they are not his kids).
I decided that the shame was his. I could hold my head up high, and I still do.
I think it is important for you to be authentic to yourself, because of you dont, resentment can build.
I have used his site and a mom forum I'm on where I can post anonymously as support for now. He is very ashamed of what he's done and knows he needs counseling for himself. For us, we are acting eerily calm around each other (we do have a daughter so we are creating some normalcy) but we have decided to do a trial separation ( we were already having some marriage issues) so our families, friends and DD know about that, just not the betrayal. I do feel alone and isolated sometimes and at the worst times, I come here :)
As for laundry, cooking, etc., let him do his own. He doesnt deserve to be taken care of right now. Let him see that he cannot betray you and expect nothing to change. There are laundromats where he can have his laundry done if he doesn't want to or can't and restaurants and grocery stores for food. Don't let him use you after what he is putting you through. Let him suffer.
There is likely an iceberg below the tip you have discovered. And you will need professional help---and considerable time--to find out who your husband is, and what he has been doing.
I agree that massage parlors represent a "different kind of affair," and IMO, it's a kind that is really, really hard to extinguish and move forward from successfully without some pretty specialized evaluation and treatment.
You ask about "faking." A man who's in massage parlors for years defines "faking." Before you join him in a behavior that is maladaptive to him, you need to find out how much of his day-to-day life your husband is faking. THAT is the critical question---one upon which your other decisions (can I stay in this marriage? Can I buy property with this man? Should I have children with this man?) will hinge.
Before you make decisions about protecting him and his sordid secrets, FIND OUT WHO HE IS. You'll need professional help for this.
In your shoes, I'd want evaluation by both a CSAT and a psychiatrist who specializes in the diagnosis of personality disorder.
And that's just the beginning. You'll need to watch to see if there is an abiding commitment to change---if change is even possible. (It is not always. But this is not always readily apparent---making this a potentially excruciating process for the BS.)
For me, learning that my husband lacks the ability form real attachment was the dealbreaker. The infidelity? I could get past that. The lies? Harder, but I think I could have gotten past them. But the inability to form meaningful attachment and experience emotional intimacy? THAT I could not get past---especially since he knowingly duped me for so long. Living with a person who cannot form attachment, experience empathy or form remorse was not something I could endure even a second longer than I did.
Knowing that "this is as good as it gets" --- something I found out woefully late in the game -- was the dealbreaker. I wish I had pushed for real evaluation earlier.
Millions of hugs to you. I wish nothing but the best for you, and hope your outcome is positive.
[This message edited by solus sto at 10:49 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
I love my counsellor! I feel so much stronger now than I did in June when I started seeing her. If you're not happy with your counsellor, if there's no connection or it feels really awkward, keep looking. Not all counsellors are created equally!
Nobody knew squat until I finally admitted to my family after I left that his friendship with a stalking whore was unacceptable to me.
You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to, SpaceJane.
My Mom is aware, only because she's been through it, or at least a very similar situation with my Dad 17 years ago. An ongoing PA & EA. But she's the only one that knows, and I've spoken to her sparingly about my WH's A with an escort.
I struggle with the issue mostly because it is apparent that I'm not OK. We have family gatherings fairly regularly, had one Sunday (15 people here) and although I'm trying to get it together a fake it like a champ. The minute WH slapped me on the ass, which used to be normal, I nearly came out of my skin!!! Or when he calls me honey, or the fact that I can't manage to eat when everyone else is eating, or a million other reasons, why I'm not doing a very good job faking it.
Ultimately, WH seems relatively normal, fine, just like nothing is wrong. I, however look like I'm having a freaking nervous breakdown! So he's telling people I'm having migraines, or my shoulder's been bothering me (I have nerve damage/chronic pain...). Basically, He gets to look like a champ, while he's the effin reason I am broken!
His primary concern right now is that his reputation doesn't get flawed. He's a bit of a 'socialite' in our community, an all star if you will.
So as much as I'd like to work on R in our own privacy, I hate that I'm seen as the disaster here, but he's just fine.
I guess the real solution is just for me to get my shiz together. But it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet, I'm doing what I can!
I am sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. This is a good, safe place where people understand and care.
You will receive a lot of advice - and it is just that - advice. Take from it what will work with you and your situation. There are many similarities in our stories and our experiences but in the end, our stories are also unique.
With that, I would say some of the most common and IMO sage advice is to do what you need to do to heal.
There is no right or wrong answer.
I would say trying to navigate these waters alone will be extremely hard. You would benefit from some type of support system other than your WH. Trying to process it all alone can eat you up inside.
A trusted friend, family member that will be there for you. An IC?
If you are that close to your parents, I would recommend telling them. They love you. They will be there for you. They will help you.
Be prepared that whomever you confide in (besides IC) will be disappointed in your WH (as they should be) but remember this is not your secret to keep.
Good luck and I hope all goes well.
Prayers and hugs